What About Dick? Page #8

have had a hand in that.

- We're going to seek the assistance of a

professional ass reader.

But first, we have wee surprise.

Mr. Russell, bring in the piano.

- Here ya go.

- Good heavens, it is

the piano from Shagistan.

- This piano has been

close to the scene of

all these violent attacks.

- You suspect the piano?

- Of course I don't

f***in' suspect the piano,

you weird Indian psycho

babbling Chapati muncher.

I thought it may help to jog his memory.

- If only this piano

could talk, Inspector.

- Piano's don't f***ing talk,

you silly touchy-feely wanked

out son of a bloody.

You gobbledy shaky sloppy

sloppy touchy-feely bullocks.

But since Dick found it

on the beach I thought it

might help him to remember a happier time.

- This where you wanted the piano, Gov?

- Just drop it right here.

Thank you.

The piano's at the heart of the mystery.

- Will that be all, Sir?

- Good heavens, is that you, Sergeant?

- Do I kbow you, Sir?

- Sergeant Ken Russell of

the 13th foot and mouth.

Do you not remember me, I

am Deepak from Shagistan?

- Alas Sir, he can

remember nothing since the

massacre.

- Well, Darling told

him something important

but he's forgot it.

- Do not worry, Inspector.

I will put him in a trance.

Now, Ken, listen to me,

you're going to relax,

you're going into a deep sleep,

not you, Inspector.

- Oh, sorry, sorry.

- Just relax, Ken, Kenneth.

Now, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

You're gone.

- Where am I?

- You are in Shagistan, Sergeant.

- Oh, yeah.

Bloody hot, innit?

- It's very hot, Ken.

- Lord, these bloody flies.

- Oh, these bloody flies.

Now you're with Lord

Darling and he is talking

to you.

What is Lord Darling saying?

- He is telling me a very

disturbing tale, Sir.

He's saying...

- There are some things

I am not proud of in

my life, Sergeant.

There was a young governess

I met at a coming out

ball , her name was Margaret.

She was beautiful and

I couldn't help myself,

I plied her with Gin and

I took advantage of her.

Too late I learned that nine

months later,

she had a child, but by

then, my regiment had

shipped out.

I still don't know the name of that child.

- The child's name was Dick.

- How could you know that?

Because I was that Governess.

Margaret was me.

This is my Dick.

- He's your son?

- Yes, Inspector.

- Oh, mommy, I'm coming out of my coma.

- There, there, Dick, mommy's here.

- Mommy, can I have a little

suck on your breast, please?

- Well, I suppose a little wouldn't hurt.

See if I can still lactate.

Oh, yes I can.

- Sergeant.

- Oh, yes, it's happening.

- Sergeant.

- Oh, Russell likes it, ew.

- Sergeant, control,

control your energies.

- Eww!

- Sergeant, for fucks

sake, control the energies

in your head.

- Very difficult, very difficult, Sir.

- What else is Lord Darling saying to you?

- It's all coming back to me now, Sir.

It's a little bit misty

but it's coming back.

He says--

- Take this piano to my

son, Dick, at Darling Hall.

- Very well, and so you have

done, your task is complete

Sergeant, Dick has the

piano and he has a mommy.

- But we still don't know

who attacked him and why?

- That is true, Inspector,

it is time for the

ass reading, I think.

- Who is it?

Oh, it's you, come on in, yeah,

come to have your body

read again, have ya?

- You're a right naughty boy ain't ya,

I saw it in your bum the other day.

I said to myself, I said there's violence

in that bottom, Enid my

love, those cheeks have

seen more than their

fair share of sorrow and

a deep dark secret is

hidden in that derriere

but I haven't told no

one, Gov, so help me,

I wouldn't tell Inspector

McGuffin nothing,

as long as you brought

me that little bit of

money you promised me.

Dear, dear, what's that?

No, no, please, don't, stop!

- Houndsditch mutilator strikes again!

Ass reader ass-assinated!

- Dammit, Deepak, we're too late.

- Police working on the

theory that they have no idea

what's going on!

- Watch to, you.

- This is most unfortunate.

I had high hopes that she

might see something useful

in Dick's behind.

- Who assassinates an ass reader and why?

- Maybe the King of Sweden

for shits and giggles.

- What?

- No, she knew something,

she knew the identity of

the mutilator.

- Well, how could that be so

- She opened the door in her pajamas.

- She had a door in her pajamas?

- It has to be somebody she knows well.

Her husband has disappeared.

We must find Leonard Bastard immediately.

- Who is it?

- Open the door, Emma.

I must see you at once.

- Hang on a minute.

- Emma, is there a window I can just--

- Why, Mr. Hudson, I'm here all alone.

- I have something to tell you.

- I have a hair brush upstairs.

- Something terrible has happened.

- Leonard Bastard's

wife has been murdered.

- No, worse than that.

- What could possibly be worse than that?

- I am bankrupt.

- Oh dear!

- This afternoon the

Hudson Rubber Company just

collapsed.

- Into the Thames?

- Financially, you see.

Someone in the Accounts Department

was speculating huge sums

against the future price of rubber and now

I'm utterly ruined.

- Oh, crikey!

Maybe the young man who

made these speculations

was Leonard Bastard,

the very man you begged

me to employ.

- Oh!

Oops!

- Well, oops doesn't quite

hack it actually, Emma.

So, because of this, I

have decided to accept the

job of a Butler in the West country.

- Oh, well have a good one.

- Yes, ta very much.

- No, wait.

I am an Englishwoman of a certain age.

You are the only man who

ever gave me an emotion.

I am going to do something

utterly improper.

- Oh yes?

- I am going to pack some

hankies and come with you.

- Darling Hall, doesn't it

look great in the rain, Butler?

- Uh, yes, my lord.

- Butler, what time is it?

19:
35, by the way.

- Who is that woman in

the giant black dress?

- That is the housekeeper,

Miss Schlegel, Sir.

- Fine figure of a woman.

- Yes, Sir, she does her job very well.

- This weekend, I'm having

a Nazi party, the usual

thing, you know, uniforms,

speeches, search lights,

discipline, boots, bondage,

Vodka, and tight leather

trousers.

- Very good, my lord.

- This will be the first

Nazi party ever held in

England and here's the order of events.

There'll be hi and hello,

getting to know you cocktails,

with a few introductory

remarks about the Third Reich,

what happened to the

other two reich's and why

this one will last, ever so much longer.

- Very good, my lord.

- Mr. Hudson, might I

have a word with you?

- Yes, of course, Miss Emma.

- There is to be a Nazi party here?

- Just a very small one.

- And why have you been avoiding me?

- Because I am a Butler

and you are a housekeeper

and in this country,

any contact is not only

immoral but it is also illegal contrary to

the naughty behaviors Act with servants

- But surely--

- No.

- Not even if--

- No.

- But suppose we were to--

- No.

- On our own time--

- Impossible.

- At weekends--

Rate this script:5.0 / 2 votes