What About Dick? Page #9

- No.

- In the garage--

- Out of the question.

This is England, we must

have no more emotions.

- But I have brought this hairbrush.

- Sh*t.

Come here, woman.

Get on my springy thing.

Come on.

- What on earth is going on, Emma?

- Aunt Maggie, Whoopsie, Helena and Dick.

- What on earth are they

doing, mommy, I'm scared.

- Miss Emma was merely

helping me clean the

floor with her posterior.

- No, Henry, no more lies,

I'm a fully grown woman

and I am entitled to an

emotion now and again.

- Good heavens, this isn't America.

- What on earth is going on, Butler?

Who are all these people?

- Lord Darling, this is

your long lost brother,

Dick.

- Hello, Bro.

Want to see my mouth organ?

- Good heavens, it's the Nazi's.

- Hello, Darling.

- Countess Von Kunst,

welcome to Darling Hall.

- It's important that

you English understand

when Nazi's have a

party, it's a fun thing.

Mein ber Butler?

- Yes, Countess?

- Do you have a piano?

- No, Countess, no piano at Darling Hall.

- Then what Is that?

- Good heavens, that is a piano.

- Good grief, it is the piano.

- It is Lord Darling's, a

gift from his dead daddy.

- Deepak, is that you?

- Hello, Mr. Hudson, long time no see.

- What on earth are you doing here?

- Well, I'm just talking

to you at the moment.

- Yes, I can see that, but why?

- Because they think it's funny, Sir.

- It is a bit confusing.

- Yes, it is.

- I would like to play

a song about the fuhrer,

but first I should warm

up with the diva scale.

Do Re Mi Mi Mi Mi Mi Mi

Mi Mi Mi Mi Mi Mi Mi Mi

What is that, what is

wrong with this piano,

it is like England, it doesn't work.

There's something trapped inside it.

- What is a vibrator doing inside a piano?

- That's a rather long story.

- Who are you?

- A rather long story teller.

- This is Inspector McGuffin.

- Not in fact so, madam,

I'm a private dick,

my real name is Holmes.

- Good heavens, Sherlock Holmes?

- No, Shylock Holmes, his Jewish cousin.

- Why is there a dildo

shtook in this piano?

- It was hidden there madam by someone in

this room

- What does it matter?

- It matters because it

reveals the identity of a

murderer, Butler, I arrest

you for the murder of

Henry Hudson.

- But this is Henry Hudson, Inspector.

- No, Sir.

- This man is called Hopkins, who killed

the original Hudson to gain control of

the rubber market.

He attacked little Dicky in the woods and

poisoned his wife for

seeing him attack Dick

from a window.

And he bludgeoned poor Enid to death

when she planned to reveal

that she read his backside

that he is the Houndsditch mutilator.

Butler, I arrest you for

the murder of Henry Hudson.

- Oh, Henry, they will hang you.

- I'm already hung, Emma.

- I know that.

I'm bearing your child.

- Then leave this sorry island, England is

finished, the future is Holland.

- America?

- Yeah, in America, yeah.

Where they have more

respect for a person of

violence and they won't

stop short of having

automatic weapons just

because they're insane.

So the Butler was arrested

and sentenced to be

hanged by the neck until

he wasn't at all well.

Leonard Bastard married

Helena and together they

opened an umbrella shop.

Reverend Whoopsie became

the Arch Bishop of

Canterbury.

Aunt Maggie moved to Holland

where she demonstrates

personal vibrators.

And as for me, the piano, I was bought by

Elton John.

And I'm currently starring

in Las Vegas where I

made this, one of Elton

John's finest hits.

O rum ti tumti

Tickle yer monkey

Tickle di didle doo

Rumpy pumpy

Humpty dumpty

Tickle yer tivey too

Oh hankie pankie

Winkie wankie

Diddle de didle doo

Rinky dinky

Tiddley winky

Nicky nacky noo

the noo the noo the noo the noo the noo

O muckety buckety

Shmackety crackety

Sings the lonely trout

Tiggly wiggly

Higgly piggly

What is life about

Mickety pickety

Wickety lickety

She was just a slut

Find yourself another lass

A nicer piece of butt.

Oh packety wackety

Nickety nackety

Sings the lonely trout

Splickety wickety

Pickety nickety

What is life about?

Shackety mackety

Thwackety crackety

She was just a slut

Find yourself another lass

A nicer piece of butt

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