What Happens In Vegas...

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Do I attract you?

Do I repulse you with my queasy smile?

Am I too dirty?

Am I too flirty?

Do I like what you like?

Why don't you like me?

Why don't you like me

Without making me try?

I try to be like Grace Kelly

But all her looks were too sad

so I try a little Freddie

I've gone identity mad!

I could be brown

I could be blue

Gotta be everything more

Why don't you like me?

Why don't you like me?

Why don't you walk out the door?

- Here you go, sweetie.

- Oh, thanks.

I tried banana nut sprout this morning.

Thought, you know,

a little change of pace,

thought somebody deserves

something special for his birthday.

Yeah. It's good.

Okay, so I made

reservations tonight at Babbo at 8:30.

I thought maybe we could talk about,

you know, setting a date?

Did you just make a plan to make a plan?

- Did I just do that again?

- Yeah, you did.

- Sorry.

- It's all right.

All right, I'll see you later, okay?

- Hey, hey, hey! Love you.

- Love you, too.

- Bye.

- Bye.

- Happy birthday!

- You, too!

Hello, sir.

Would you like to buy some cookies?

I would. I really would. I just...

Unfortunately, I don't have any money.

I don't have any cookies.

Jack?

I need a key.

Wow.

Wow. That...

A key?

What? No! I want a key.

Like an actual key to your apartment

so I don't have to wait outside

when I'm dressed

in these little slutty outfits.

I don't want to live with you.

No offense.

And you know I mean this

in the nicest possible way.

You're not exactly

serious boyfriend/marriage material.

And I pride myself on that.

I gotta go. I'll see you next week.

What're we doing?

Mother of the baby saved from the fire

and the sexy shirtless fireman?

I could be brown

I could be blue

I could be violet sky

I could be hurtful

I could be purple

I could be anything you like

Gotta be green

Gotta be mean

Gotta be everything more

Why don't you like me?

Why don't you like me?

Why don't you walk out the door?

I could be brown

I could be blue

Gotta be everything more

Why don't you like me?

Why don't you like me?

Why don't you walk out the door?

- McNally.

- Chong.

Not now.

Hey! Hey! Hey, hey! Here we go! Yeah!

That's looking good! All right!

That's good form right there.

Let's keep that up, huh?

That's a beautiful veneer. Just throw that

on the edge-band and we're set.

- All right!

- Hey, Jack?

- Do you know what time it is?

- What? I can't hear you over the saw.

We're in the zone over here.

I don't want to lose focus.

That's how people lose fingers, huh?

- You're fired.

- All right. We are fired up, boys!

You are fired!

All right.

I'll play you for it. You win, I'm out.

I win. I get a second chance.

It's not a second chance

when you've had a hundred of them.

Oh! Nine-seven! Keeping my job! Yeah!

Okay. All right.

- I'll give you one.

- Do you know what?

You're supposed to be the future boss,

but you're too busy

being the life of the party.

At some point, you're gonna have

to step up and be a man.

- Eight-nine! Unemployment!

- Okay, man. You want to play?

Nine-nine! Food stamps! Tastes so good.

- Okay, that's not even a shot.

- The boss got game! The boss got game!

Ten-nine. This is it, Jack.

- You know what? This is ridiculous.

- You know what? That's your problem.

You can't handle the pressure. As soon

as you think you're going to lose, you quit.

Game over, Jack.

Don't get me wrong.

You're like a son to me.

- Dad, I am your son.

- Yeah, and it's time to cut the cord.

Let's go clean out your desk.

Mason has no idea, not an idea at all.

- That you're pathetic, or...

- What, do you think I went overboard?

No. No, I think it's the exact

right amount of board.

Which is what I am right now.

Can we start drinking?

Of course. Okay, lookit!

These are for Mason.

What's that?

Vegas? I thought you hated Vegas.

I do, but, you know,

that's why they call it a gift tip,

- because it truly is selfless.

- Oh, thanks.

Okay, everyone listen!

I'm going to bring him in,

I'm gonna turn on the lights, and that's

when you yell, "Surprise!"

Oh, that's how a surprise party works!

I'm totally gonna write that down.

Okay. Everyone, hide! Hide, hide, hide!

- Hi, sweetie!

- Hey!

Welcome home. Happy birthday.

Okay, come inside...

- Listen, Joy. We need to talk.

- Okay. Well, let's do it inside. Okay?

No, no, no. I can't, or I'll never do this.

Look, there's no easy way to say this.

Okay, then don't. Okay? Just think it,

and then later, I'll try to figure out

what it was you were thinking.

Okay? Let's just go inside.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

This can't wait, Joy.

You know I have a really important job.

- Right?

- Yeah.

So when I come home,

I want this place to be an escape.

And as of late, it's not.

Yes, the sex is great, okay?

I mean, that's fantastic,

and I can't tell you how much I appreciate

all the things you've been trying

with my butt.

But the rest is so exhausting.

You're so on all the time, with all the

scheduling and planning, it's just...

I don't want to marry you, Joy.

I'm leaving you.

Well, I mean, this is my place, so

technically, you would be the one

that has to leave, but... Are you crying?

Surprise.

- Oh, shitballs.

- Yeah.

Hey!

Hey. Here...

Do you have any idea

how much money I've made him?

You're my lawyer.

Can I sue him for something?

Well, the problem with suing your father

is that he's your dad.

He'd love it. He'd think we were bonding.

Maybe he would be! You don't know.

Take him to court. It might be nice.

- What am I gonna do about money?

- You're just realizing that right now?

- Fascinating.

- I could do a lot of things for money.

I'm good at stuff.

I'll bet you $5

I can finish this beer faster than you.

Really? You're on.

He doesn't even deserve me.

Here's my thought on what we should do

with this whole Mason thing.

- Okay.

- Once a week,

we get some of my brother's

loser-ass friends

to go over to Mason's house,

ring his doorbell,

and when he answers,

they're just gonna, bang,

junkpunch him

right up in his man business

and then he's gonna keel over.

While he's writhing on the ground

screaming, "Why?"

they'll go, "You know why!"

Wow! Did you just think of that?

No, I was thinking about it a lot

on the way over.

You are a child!

- What is that? What is that?

- Double or nothing.

Joy, you're gonna need

to take off this ring.

No, I... I'm just... I'm just gonna...

I'm just going to wear it

on the other hand.

You're on fire. Man, you are on fire.

This is like... I mean, you're lucky.

- I don't feel good.

- We need to capitalize on this.

You know what's gonna

make you feel better?

What?

Where's the one place where

you can step up and be a man?

Community college?

Where can you go where

you can forget all your troubles

and act like a total idiot?

I am talking about one place

and one place only, my friend.

Do not say Vegas.

Please say Vegas.

- Vegas, baby.

- Vegas?

- Las Vegas?

- What?

Swish it around in your mouth a little bit.

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