What Happens In Vegas... Page #2

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Think about it.

- Vegas!

- Vegas.

- Carefree.

- Say it like you mean it.

- Spontaneous.

- I can't hear you!

- Vegas!

- Vegas?

- Vegas!

- Vegas!

- Vegas!

- Vegas!

- Vegas!

- Vegas!

Hello, Las Vegas!

Wow.

Vegas.

Everyone, I'm so sorry,

but our computers are down right now,

so just bear with us, please.

I'm sorry. I know.

Okay, your fianc is one lucky guy.

I love Vegas!

Time to get a big-boy drink.

I'll have a vodka and a Scotch.

This is where I'm passing out.

Pants, you're out of here.

Did we ever tell you

you scream like a girl?

My eyes! It burns!

My head!

My head and my eyes are burning!

My back!

My nose! My nose now!

Whoa! Whoa! Take it easy!

It's okay! It's okay! They're gay!

- What?

- They're gay!

This... No, no, this is not

what it looks like.

We just...

We all got booked in the same room.

Let's just go downstairs.

I smell an upgrade!

- You guys aren't gay?

- No.

- I got this.

- No.

Just let me handle it, okay?

Okay.

Curtis. You and I have a problem.

I think we both know

how this game works.

I complain, and you tell me

there's nothing you can do,

but we both know that's a big, fat lie,

so why don't you just

save us both the trouble

and type in those special codes

that you know

you're gonna type in eventually

and find me two rooms that are so nice

that it turns my night right back around?

She's awfully hostile for a girl named Joy.

I'm going to do exactly

what you're telling me to do, because

I'm a little frightened of you.

These are penthouse suites.

You can't get any higher than that

without going on the roof,

and you're not allowed on the roof,

because people jump.

Penthouse suites.

- Nice!

- No!

- Yeah.

- That's not bad.

Well, you're welcome.

Now watch and learn.

- Hey, buddy.

- Oh, hi. How are you?

I think you just met my friend back there.

Kind of a scary person.

Oh, Egyptian cotton. That's nice.

I want to apologize for her.

For three weeks out of the month,

we get to enjoy

God's most precious creation,

and on week four, the bill arrives.

I know what you mean.

Look, I don't want to push here,

but I know that a man in your position

is capable of producing certain amenities.

Planet Hollywood. Yeah.

VIP!

Hey. So, you're from New York,

we're from New York.

- We're going to Le Cirque, please!

- Come on.

Look, I didn't bring my buddy

all the way out to Vegas

so he could get his ass kicked. Right?

So the least you could do is help me

show him a good time.

Your buddy wouldn't know a good time

if it sat on his face.

Okay, you know what, Stripper?

You are kind of a disgusting skank.

Driver, we'll get out here! Thank you!

- Okay, bye!

- Thank you.

- Use a condom, boys.

- Bye-bye. Bye. Just go!

Oh, come on. One drink.

I'm a pretty fun guy. You can ask around.

Thanks, but we have dinner reservations.

And we have to map out our assault

on the strip.

You have a plan to make plans?

Excuse me?

I bet you look really good

with your hair down.

- My hair is down.

- One drink!

I dare you!

Did I invent hip-hop? No. But I was there.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- So, Joy.

- Yeah?

What brings you to Sin City?

You know, just being spontaneous,

cutting loose, like everyone else.

How about yourself?

Yeah. Me? Oh, I'm here on business.

Big business, actually. I'm...

I'm a pretty important guy

in my field.

Really?

No.

Actually,

I just got fired. So, cheers to that.

I just got dumped, so, salud.

Did I mention that I got fired

by my boss-slash-father?

Did I mention that I threw

a surprise birthday party for my fianc

and the surprise was that he dumped me

in front of all of our closest friends

while they hid in the closet?

Wow. Okay, you win.

Excuse me.

We're gonna need a whole bottle.

I saved a baby today.

I'm not a hero, though.

- You know what I mean? I'm not a...

- He's married.

This is my lesbian sister.

Tell her about your softball game.

Tell her about your softball team.

What do you say we bet 10-to-1,

with $125 on the hard eight?

- Bets are right there.

- All right. Roll them out.

No, no, no, no, no. I wouldn't...

I wouldn't bet on me winning.

You roll, princess.

All right. Go, 44! 44!

This is my party trick. Here it goes.

What are you gonna do?

Are you going to cut...

You know, you were right about me.

You just cut it off!

It's like you're trying to come in first

but it's somebody else's race.

- It's like Egypt!

- It's amazing!

You never felt good enough,

so you took yourself out of the game.

To everyone who's ever been dumped

and to everyone who has ever been fired,

when I say, "Screw!" you say, "You!"

- Screw!

- You!

- Screw!

- You!

Yes!

I think I just got to the point

where I wasn't even trying.

Why should you try?

I work 80 hours a week

and I don't even know why.

I've been so naughty!

Out of my way! Out of my way!

I'm not usually this honest.

I'm usually not this fun.

The best part is...

- We can really talk.

- Really connect.

Yeah, 'cause you're like the last person

on the planet I'd ever sleep with!

Ever! Ever! Ever!

This is gonna be fun!

Oh, God. Please be fake. Please be fake.

Oh, God.

No, no, please, please, please!

Oh, please, please, no!

You can't get divorced here, okay?

You gotta do it where you live.

Besides, you don't want a divorce,

all right? You want an annulment.

See, what happens in Vegas, you pay for

when you get back home.

That's what the thing is.

Was there any part of the night,

I don't know, maybe, say, the part where

I was about to marry the rebound guy,

that you thought, "Hey, oh my God!

"This is a really good time

for an intervention"?

- Seriously?

- Yeah.

I, like, threw up in my own purse, so...

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- Hi!

- Good morning.

- Morning.

- Good morning.

Morning, morning, morning.

I could use some coffee.

Oh, God, yeah.

Well, what's mine is yours.

Here, well, you want to, uh...

Mi coffee es su coffee.

- This is good orange juice.

- Yeah. It's very good.

It's ridiculously good.

The orange juice is good.

- I don't usually like pulp. You a fan?

- Not really.

- Jack?

- Yes.

- Can I talk to you for a second?

- Yep.

Yes. Yep. Talk. Sure.

They're so cute together!

If I could make someone dead

with my mind, it would be you.

- Yo.

- Hey.

So!

- Great night, huh?

- Yeah!

I mean, you are a lot of fun, Joy.

- I am?

- Yeah!

A lot of fun. That... I mean, last night was

so

great.

Actually, you know, there was like...

Maybe there was one tiny little thing...

I think I know what you mean.

Okay, this...

There's no easy way to say this,

so I'm just going to...

Whoa, whoa. Wait. Are...

Are you

- dumping me?

- You didn't...

No! I was coming down here to dump you!

- Oh! Jeez... Okay, so we're good!

- Yeah!

- Okay, disaster averted!

- You said it!

- Yeah, no. Bullet dodged!

- You betcha!

I mean, pooch unscrewed! Free at last!

- Thank God Almighty, I'm free at last.

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