What Happens In Vegas... Page #3

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- Okay. I got it, okay?

- Got it.

- Okay. I'm sorry. I...

You just seem like the type of girl

who's looking for a serious relationship,

and I'm not that... I mean, you... Like...

No offense,

but you seem like a lot of work.

Like it would take, like,

a team of guys, and I'm not...

Marriages are an outdated concept...

Are you dumping me again?

- I'm in a really weird place right now...

- Where's that, Jack? The starting line?

Because I have news for you, buddy.

The gun went off a long time ago.

Okay! Look at that!

Good luck with the job, huh?

"Employee handles criticism poorly!"

Well, then maybe

you should teach a seminar, Jack,

considering you can't even keep a job

with your own father!

You know, the one person who's

biologically programed to love you,

and even he can't stand you!

Look at that. You had to come all the way

to Vegas and marry a complete stranger

just to prove that you're not a robot.

Congratulations, Joy! That was a feeling!

Oh, I have a feeling, all right!

It's called nausea!

Yeah?

"Oh, I have a feeling, all right!

"It's called nausea!"

- How old are you, five?

- Six, actually. I'm six.

You know, this is why we'd never work.

'Cause I could never, ever be with

someone that's so completely broken!

- Broken?

- Broken!

Broken. You know what?

You don't even know me, mister!

No, I don't know you,

and I got a feeling that neither do you.

You know what?

I'll call you about the annulment.

How about this?

Why don't you just e-mail me?

Hey. Hey, hey, hey!

- We'll always have Vegas!

- Hey! That's my quarter!

What the...

We are the champions, my friends

And we'll keep on fighting

till the end

I'm really, really rich!

I'm really, really rich!

We are the champions

That was my quarter!

We are the champions

- We did it!

- Richest man in the world!

No time for losers

'Cause we are the champions

A big giant check! I'm so happy!

I've never been...

I'm really happy!

Oh, my God! That was my quarter!

Congratulations!

You just quadrupled your investment!

What, you think this is all yours? God!

Yes, it's mine. I put the quarter

in the machine and I pulled the lever.

My quarter on the machine that I was

using, the one I loosened up for you!

That's right! Now if you'll excuse me,

I have a giant colorful check to deposit!

Whatever happened to

"What's mine is yours, baby"?

We're married now, remember?

More importantly, Your Honor, my client

only knew Miss McNally for four hours

before they "got married,"

three and a half of which were spent

in a state of

total inebriation.

Mmm-hmm.

You. Other one.

You have any evidence that you both

knowingly entered into this marriage,

that it's not just a sham?

Let me see.

Would a note do?

It's a start.

And then there's a photo.

Nice.

I didn't know anything about that.

There's also

- a video.

- And I am going to provide for her,

I'm gonna love her,

and I'm going to provide for her,

- 'cause we're married!

- Married!

We're all gonna get laid!

Was that you, Cueball? His lawyer?

I didn't... I don't have my glasses on.

I don't like you.

I don't like any of you.

Your generation,

with your Vegas and your Internet

and your "I want it right now."

You know, gay people aren't destroying

the sanctity of marriage,

you people are.

Marriage is about love and commitment.

Listen, I've been married for 25 years

to the same wonderful, infuriating woman,

and granted, there are days

when I want to light her on fire,

but I don't, because I love her,

and that would be illegal.

And you know something?

I might be old-fashioned,

but when I said those vows out loud,

I meant them.

This guy is such a douche.

Before, or should I say if

I ever allow either of you

out of this marriage,

I'm going to make sure

that you try everything,

and I do mean everything, first

to make it work.

- Objection, Your Honor. You can't do that.

- Objection!

Watch me. Now, do either one of you

have a place to live?

I don't at the moment, Your Honor,

but I will.

You see, I...

My ex-fianc and I broke up, and...

You know, Mrs. Fuller, you're not helping

make your case here, okay?

What about you, pretty boy?

You got a crash pad?

- Yes.

- Okay, great! We have a hearth!

I am freezing the $3 million

for the next six months

and sentencing you two

to six months hard marriage.

And so I can keep an eye on you,

I'm ordering you both

into weekly marital counseling.

I want you two to listen to me.

You better play by my rules on this,

or I'm gonna tie this money up in litigation

that is so long,

so protracted, so expensive

that neither one of you

will ever see a dime of it.

All right. Anything...

Oh, yeah! One more thing.

I now pronounce you man and wife!

Can he do that?

Yeah, he's the judge.

He can do whatever he wants.

And he clearly wants to make an example

out of you both.

If you just do what the guy says,

he's gonna be forced

to grant you a divorce.

- In which case...

- You would probably...

...split...

...the money...

...equally as marital property.

You didn't do anything in there!

- What?

- You didn't do anything!

I called her a vixen! I called her a vixen!

- So?

- So.

I can do anything for six months.

I can not wear pants for six months.

So if you aren't up to it...

Oh, I am so up to it.

And if you're trying to insinuate

that I'm the one that can't do this,

then you are sorely mistaken, short bus.

Whoa! Okay! So it's settled, then.

All right. Think of it

as a business arrangement.

Be married for six months,

get $1.5 million.

- How hard can it be?

- I know how hard it isn't.

Excuse me. Out of my way. Thank you.

- Oh, Jesus. Here.

- Great.

Smile for the camera.

Hi, hubby, it's me. Open up.

Hiya!

It's all the way at the top.

She's here.

Okay, don't overdo it, though.

Hey! Look what I brought my new hubby!

'Cause I want to please him,

and men, they like the beer.

Hey, look who's being a good wifey,

really trying to make her marriage work.

Oh, muffin pants, what a wonderful gift.

I'm going to buy you a big box of Tampax

just so I can thank you,

'cause that's what good husbands do.

Sorry, I can't control myself

when I'm around you,

I just love you so much!

Not as much as I love you!

Shall we, Mrs. Fuller?

Oh. Here. Let me get this.

- Let me get that. Oh.

- Wait a sec.

Slippery. Slippery.

What?

Sorry, baby,

just you're a little on the heavy side.

Welcome home, sweetheart.

You literally have a bar

in the middle of your living room.

It's not so bad.

I mean, I would never live here, ever, but...

What? I ran

the New York City Marathon, okay?

I can do this. I can totally do this.

Oh, my God.

I can't do this!

Don't throw any of that hair away, okay?

I'm saving it up

to make you something special,

like a hat or a sweater.

I still haven't decided yet.

Do you train monkeys in here?

Seriously! It's one thing if you like a guy,

you put up with disgusting stuff like this,

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