What Happens In Vegas... Page #4

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but you I don't care for, so clean it up.

I'm not here under court order,

so I'm going to take off.

- Later, buddy.

- Bye.

$1.5 million.

Here. These are antibacterial. Get to work.

That looks like it's gonna be

comfortable for you.

Where's the bedroom?

- Uh... It's in there.

- Sweet dreams.

Yeah.

What is this?

Ooh. That was close.

- That stinks.

- Just a little bit of me.

- Oh, God!

- And some other people. Whatever.

- Do you need some help?

- Yeah, I do, as a matter of fact.

You should probably call somebody.

What?

- To help you.

- Okay, can I sleep on the couch?

No.

Smoothies!

- Hon?

- Yeah.

If I could just get in there for a sec.

I'm almost done. I'll be right out.

No, no. "Be right out"

is not really gonna work.

Like, be right out right now.

I'm almost done!

Okay...

Oh, yeah, this is happening.

You only have yourself to blame.

By the way, it's your day on dishes.

Freak.

Where do you get your underwear?

The hospital?

- What?

- Seriously, what's up with the P.E. bra?

Well, it's comfy and supportive,

like a man should be.

You women. In the beginning it's all, like,

laces and rainbows and trapdoors.

As soon as you get married, it's nothing

but these flesh tones and PMS pants.

You might as well wear a placard

around your neck

- that says, "We're not having sex, ever."

- Ever!

- Ever.

- Ever!

What happened to the purple bra

from Vegas? That was nice.

I'm going to save that

for my non-retarded husband.

Well, the grownups have to go

to work today.

- What are you going to do all day?

- I don't know yet.

I'd rather do nothing and be happy

than do something I know I don't love.

Words to live by, Yanni.

Beat it, worker drone.

Tell the man I say hi.

- Whatever, loser.

- Hey, don't get hit by a bus.

Or do. Whatever.

I believe in miracles

Where you from,

you sexy thing

I believe in miracles

since you came along,

you sexy thing

- McNally.

- What are you wearing, baby?

- Who is this?

- Your boss.

Get the Chonger

and get up here right away.

Coming right up! Okay.

Banger needs to see us upstairs.

After 15 years of loyal service,

we're dumping Bob whatshisname,

which means that this office

is gonna be up for grabs.

So, I'm going to promote one of you skirts

out of the pit.

And that's not sexual harassment.

Believe me, I've checked.

You're my top guns, girls. Do me proud.

Thank you, sir.

So! I guess I'll be Maverick

and you can be Goose.

Be whoever you want to be,

you'll still gonna be my subordinate.

- Excuse me?

- It's from the Latin, meaning "my b*tch."

- What is wrong with you?

- I eat girls like you.

- Oh, you eat girls!

- Not like that.

- Makes total sense.

- It shouldn't.

- No judgments.

- But I'm not...

Just saying.

Ready to do this?

Pretend like you don't make me vomit

in my nose every time I look at you?

Yes.

So, Jack, tell me about yourself.

What are your hobbies?

Hobbies.

You mean, besides my marriage?

My hobbies.

Mostly, I just like loving her.

It's just so easy.

What else?

Listening. I love listening

to what she has to say. It's just...

In fact, actually,

I carry this notebook around with me,

just so I can write it down,

because usually it's so important.

What else?

I think just being there for her, in general.

Loving her until it hurts.

It hurts.

That's... I don't know,

that's probably most of my interests.

Joy?

I'd have to agree.

And I'd have to add, you know,

staring at him.

Yeah. I mean, I just love watching him be.

I love everything about him.

Most people would be repulsed,

you know, to find his socks

and his dirty underwear

sort of down shoved

in the bottom of the bed,

touching them in the middle of the night.

They might want to try

to, like, scrub and scrub and scrub

and try to get the stains

and the scent off of them, but...

Not me. I just... I love it!

I just...

I kind of want to just roll around in it!

Her candles smell awesome!

You know, I do have a few degrees,

and I went to a bunch

of really expensive schools.

Anyway, I'm not buying any of the bullshit

you two are selling today.

Now, if you want me to report back

to the court

that you're both working

on your marriage,

you're gonna actually have to do that.

And love

such a silly game we play, oh!

Like a summer's day in May

What is love, what is love?

I just want it to be love

Oh! Oh! Oh!

I, I, I, I, I

I can feel it in your kiss

It just gives me tender bliss

What is love, what is love?

I just want it to be love

Yes, that is the topping I wanted

on my popcorn.

I know that the box said

"movie theater butter,"

but, you guessed it,

what I really wanted

was Jack's Sweaty Ballsack flavor.

Thanks.

Uh! Uh! Uh! Love

Who can tell me I am lost?

What is love, what is love?

I'm just giving you

what you wanted, baby.

Pay attention.

See how it goes up and down. Okay?

It goes up,

and then it goes down. Like that.

See that? Isn't that magical? Amazing.

Watch one more time. One more time.

It goes up, right? And then it goes down.

No, no, no, no! Why?

I really, really need to get in there!

Why don't you just use

your special bathroom?

There's no heavy side!

- You got the window!

- No, that's actually the light side.

- Where's the bathroom door?

- We got robbed.

And all they took was the door.

$1.5 million.

Marriage is hard!

I don't know how people do this.

It's unnatural.

Men and women are not meant to coexist.

And I haven't had sex in forever.

I mean, forever!

And I need to have sex,

'cause I'm good at it!

That's a self-esteem booster for me.

- I don't know if I can do this, man.

- Oh, really?

'Cause I haven't been sensing that at all.

That's why I did a little research.

I've been looking through some case law,

you know, some precedent

to help us get around the ruling.

And I think I found one. Lafferty v. Holden.

You know, Tip,

I don't know if I can do this.

Then we go to plan B.

Mother's third marriage

was to this 20-year-old

club-footed Cuban bartender

who came into a ton of money.

The court said

that if they both wanted the money,

they had to remain married and prove

they can make it work. Sound familiar?

Mother wasn't going to see a cent of that,

but then she proved

that he'd been unfaithful,

and the judge ruled in her favor.

And gave her all the money.

See, the judge said that you had to prove

that you were trying

to make the marriage work.

But if we can make it seem like she isn't...

I don't know

why I haven't thought of this before!

- Because you're not a very good lawyer.

- Oh, my God.

There should be a law

against how bad a lawyer I am.

But then again, I wouldn't know about it!

So if I can get Jack to end the marriage

by either leaving me

or cheating on me...

Not only would you get out

of the marriage...

- You will also get the full $3 million.

- Oh, my God.

- I love you! I want to kiss you.

- You want to kiss me?

On your big, beautiful,

prematurely balding man dome.

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