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What Happens In Vegas... Page #4
but you I don't care for, so clean it up.
I'm not here under court order,
so I'm going to take off.
- Later, buddy.
- Bye.
$1.5 million.
Here. These are antibacterial. Get to work.
comfortable for you.
Where's the bedroom?
- Uh... It's in there.
- Sweet dreams.
Yeah.
What is this?
Ooh. That was close.
- That stinks.
- Just a little bit of me.
- Oh, God!
- And some other people. Whatever.
- Do you need some help?
- Yeah, I do, as a matter of fact.
You should probably call somebody.
What?
- To help you.
- Okay, can I sleep on the couch?
No.
Smoothies!
- Hon?
- Yeah.
If I could just get in there for a sec.
I'm almost done. I'll be right out.
No, no. "Be right out"
I'm almost done!
Okay...
Oh, yeah, this is happening.
You only have yourself to blame.
By the way, it's your day on dishes.
Freak.
Where do you get your underwear?
The hospital?
- What?
- Seriously, what's up with the P.E. bra?
Well, it's comfy and supportive,
like a man should be.
You women. In the beginning it's all, like,
laces and rainbows and trapdoors.
As soon as you get married, it's nothing
but these flesh tones and PMS pants.
You might as well wear a placard
around your neck
- that says, "We're not having sex, ever."
- Ever!
- Ever.
- Ever!
What happened to the purple bra
from Vegas? That was nice.
I'm going to save that
for my non-retarded husband.
Well, the grownups have to go
to work today.
- What are you going to do all day?
- I don't know yet.
I'd rather do nothing and be happy
than do something I know I don't love.
Words to live by, Yanni.
Beat it, worker drone.
Tell the man I say hi.
- Whatever, loser.
- Hey, don't get hit by a bus.
Or do. Whatever.
I believe in miracles
Where you from,
you sexy thing
I believe in miracles
since you came along,
you sexy thing
- McNally.
- What are you wearing, baby?
- Who is this?
- Your boss.
Get the Chonger
and get up here right away.
Coming right up! Okay.
Banger needs to see us upstairs.
After 15 years of loyal service,
we're dumping Bob whatshisname,
which means that this office
is gonna be up for grabs.
So, I'm going to promote one of you skirts
out of the pit.
And that's not sexual harassment.
Believe me, I've checked.
You're my top guns, girls. Do me proud.
Thank you, sir.
So! I guess I'll be Maverick
and you can be Goose.
Be whoever you want to be,
you'll still gonna be my subordinate.
- Excuse me?
- It's from the Latin, meaning "my b*tch."
- What is wrong with you?
- I eat girls like you.
- Oh, you eat girls!
- Not like that.
- It shouldn't.
- No judgments.
- But I'm not...
Just saying.
Ready to do this?
Pretend like you don't make me vomit
in my nose every time I look at you?
Yes.
So, Jack, tell me about yourself.
What are your hobbies?
Hobbies.
You mean, besides my marriage?
My hobbies.
Mostly, I just like loving her.
It's just so easy.
What else?
Listening. I love listening
to what she has to say. It's just...
In fact, actually,
I carry this notebook around with me,
just so I can write it down,
because usually it's so important.
What else?
I think just being there for her, in general.
Loving her until it hurts.
It hurts.
That's... I don't know,
that's probably most of my interests.
Joy?
I'd have to agree.
And I'd have to add, you know,
staring at him.
Yeah. I mean, I just love watching him be.
I love everything about him.
Most people would be repulsed,
you know, to find his socks
and his dirty underwear
sort of down shoved
in the bottom of the bed,
touching them in the middle of the night.
They might want to try
to, like, scrub and scrub and scrub
and try to get the stains
and the scent off of them, but...
Not me. I just... I love it!
I just...
I kind of want to just roll around in it!
You know, I do have a few degrees,
and I went to a bunch
Anyway, I'm not buying any of the bullshit
you two are selling today.
Now, if you want me to report back
to the court
that you're both working
on your marriage,
you're gonna actually have to do that.
And love
such a silly game we play, oh!
Like a summer's day in May
What is love, what is love?
I just want it to be love
Oh! Oh! Oh!
I, I, I, I, I
I can feel it in your kiss
What is love, what is love?
I just want it to be love
Yes, that is the topping I wanted
on my popcorn.
I know that the box said
"movie theater butter,"
but, you guessed it,
what I really wanted
was Jack's Sweaty Ballsack flavor.
Thanks.
Uh! Uh! Uh! Love
Who can tell me I am lost?
What is love, what is love?
I'm just giving you
what you wanted, baby.
Pay attention.
See how it goes up and down. Okay?
It goes up,
and then it goes down. Like that.
See that? Isn't that magical? Amazing.
Watch one more time. One more time.
It goes up, right? And then it goes down.
No, no, no, no! Why?
I really, really need to get in there!
Why don't you just use
your special bathroom?
There's no heavy side!
- You got the window!
- No, that's actually the light side.
- Where's the bathroom door?
- We got robbed.
And all they took was the door.
$1.5 million.
Marriage is hard!
I don't know how people do this.
It's unnatural.
Men and women are not meant to coexist.
And I haven't had sex in forever.
I mean, forever!
And I need to have sex,
'cause I'm good at it!
That's a self-esteem booster for me.
- I don't know if I can do this, man.
- Oh, really?
'Cause I haven't been sensing that at all.
That's why I did a little research.
I've been looking through some case law,
you know, some precedent
to help us get around the ruling.
And I think I found one. Lafferty v. Holden.
You know, Tip,
I don't know if I can do this.
Then we go to plan B.
Mother's third marriage
was to this 20-year-old
club-footed Cuban bartender
who came into a ton of money.
The court said
that if they both wanted the money,
they had to remain married and prove
they can make it work. Sound familiar?
Mother wasn't going to see a cent of that,
but then she proved
that he'd been unfaithful,
and the judge ruled in her favor.
And gave her all the money.
See, the judge said that you had to prove
that you were trying
to make the marriage work.
But if we can make it seem like she isn't...
I don't know
why I haven't thought of this before!
- Because you're not a very good lawyer.
- Oh, my God.
There should be a law
against how bad a lawyer I am.
But then again, I wouldn't know about it!
So if I can get Jack to end the marriage
or cheating on me...
Not only would you get out
of the marriage...
- You will also get the full $3 million.
- Oh, my God.
- I love you! I want to kiss you.
- You want to kiss me?
On your big, beautiful,
prematurely balding man dome.
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"What Happens In Vegas..." Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 1 Sep. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/what_happens_in_vegas..._23273>.
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