What Happens In Vegas... Page #5

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All right! All right. Okay.

- Game on, sister!

- Game on!

- Game on.

- Game on.

Destroy it. Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus!

There are some refinery problems

in the South,

- so let's keep our eye on crude oil.

- Oh, that's too bad.

And I just heard a rumor

that the platinum futures

are gonna be very active today.

Yes!

Yeah!

I mean, really, let's do this mother!

Oh, my God.

Right, guys? I mean, let's buy sh*t!

Let's buy sh*t!

Do you see that? Do you see that, people?

That's exactly the kind of spirit

I'm talking about!

- You go, girl!

- Yes!

Oh, my God, seriously, you guys!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

What are we doing? What are we doing?

What's happening? What's happening?

Oh, my God.

Son of a b*tch. Son of a b*tch!

- Hi.

- Hi.

We got locked out of our apartment.

Would you mind if we just waited in here

until the locksmith comes?

He said it would only be a few hours.

A few...

Sure.

- Thank you!

- Great!

Also, we were supposed to have

some friends over tonight.

Do you mind if they waited in here, too?

I'll jump on that grenade, too, I suppose.

- Thank you.

- Yeah.

- Thank you so much.

- No, thank you. Thank you.

Welcome to my humble abode.

Those are probably my friends.

- Hi.

- Hi.

We're the friends.

- You look like the friends. You do.

- Hi.

- Hey.

- There is a hot girl party going on

- in my living room.

- What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the fact that there are

a buttload of beautiful women...

Oh, my God. Okay, there's a pillow fight

about to break out.

Oh, my God. Dude, it's a trap.

No, it's not! No! This happens!

No! It doesn't happen!

Get out of the house!

Get out of the house right now!

She must have figured out

the same thing we did.

Okay, just because Joy sets a trap

doesn't mean we can't play at

the same game.

You call Bear, you call every guy we know.

And get some boring stockbroker

kind of guys,

the kind of guys

you and me would beat up.

The more boring, the better.

She has no idea

what she's gotten herself into.

You okay?

In here, guys. Yo, Jack, what up?

This chick's the reason

we're not spending our money right now.

This chick is the reason

I'm not having a six-way right now!

- Hey.

- Hey.

So, look. This isn't working.

I think we need to call in some sluts.

- Sluts? I know sluts.

- Make the call.

Which one of these ugly losers

is ruining your life?

That one. The pink parade over there.

That's your wife?

Oh, my God, she is so f-ing hot!

What is wrong with you?

Pick a team. Pick a team.

Pick a team! Right now! Pick a team.

- Come on.

- Hers. Hers! Hers!

Listen up, girls. Do whatever you need

to do to get into his pants.

Ignore her.

Don't even make eye contact with her.

Look at every girl in here except for her.

It'll drive her crazy.

Get him drunk. It'll slip right out.

Go!

Hi.

Oh, I get it.

I get what you guys are doing. Okay.

Well, I'm going to...

Thank you. Sorry. Excuse me.

Oh, God!

If you need anybody to talk to,

you know, just let me know.

- Thanks.

- Get out of here. Get out of here.

Get out of here!

Get out of here, both of you!

I'll give her the money!

- I'll give her the money!

- No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, sh*t.

I'm here about a noise complaint!

Someone called to complain

that you're not making enough noise!

- This is the best party ever!

- This is the greatest party ever!

I'm arrested! You guys, I'm arrested!

Hey.

Sorry. I was just trying to find some quiet

- from the craziness out there.

- Yeah. Yeah, I'm... Beer?

Sure.

Do you really think that I'm dumb enough

to cheat on you?

I think it's only a matter of time,

and, yeah, I think you're more

than dumb enough.

Thank you for the vote of confidence.

I appreciate that.

This must be so hard for you.

- What?

- Being in a relationship.

Okay. I've been in relationships before,

all right?

Oh, come on, Jack.

I know you.

Don't forget, I have been living with you.

You're not exactly serious

boyfriend/husband material, okay?

- Well, this must be hard for you, too.

- Really?

Yeah, being married to me when

you're so clearly in love with your ex.

- I'm not in love with him.

- Right.

Then why are you still wearing the ring

on your finger?

Because my current husband

bought me one

out of a vending machine in Vegas.

All I know is, if I get dumped on my ass,

I'm not wearing the ring

unless I'm still in love with him.

- I'm not in love with him, okay?

- Okay! Right.

In fact, I'm happy

I'm not with him anymore.

I spent the last four years of my life

trying to be

somebody else's idea of perfect,

and you know what?

I still don't feel good enough for him.

Okay, that's not what I meant, okay?

I just...

Hey! Don't worry!

Your secret's safe with me.

Oh, you're such an ass.

You know what? It's irrelevant now,

because I don't care

if I ever see him again.

Wow. Thank you, baby.

- That makes me feel so, so, so special.

- You know what? It has nothing

- to do with you, Jack.

- By the way, don't worry about me,

- because I'm a married man.

- Yeah.

We don't need to have sex.

And I'll tell you another thing.

I'm not going anywhere,

'cause I am not screwing this thing up.

Neither am I,

'cause I am in it for the long haul, Jack.

- Till death do us part.

- Not unless I kill you first.

- It's like she's always there!

- He doesn't do anything all day, okay?

- Left, right, up, down!

- It's like he's not even a grownup, okay?

- I don't have an ounce of space...

- He does nothing...

...for just me! Just me!

...all day long!

- And I swear to God...

- I think he's trying to drive me crazy!

- The other night, we had this party...

- He peed in the sink!

...and everywhere I look...

- I mean, what kind of man animal...

...it's just hot tit and ass everywhere!

...pees in the sink?

- It's like he doesn't even want...

- It's like she doesn't even want...

...this marriage to work!

...this marriage to work!

All right. You're arguing.

Now that felt like a real married couple.

You're making progress.

What am I doing here?

Oh, we could kidnap her

until after the hearing.

- She could stay at my place.

- Oh, my God, I got it!

We make it look

like she gave you some kind of disease!

I can have a vial of crabs here

in 30 minutes.

First, we give them to you,

and then, you know,

we get somebody to give them to her

so it looks like she gave them to you.

You really hadn't thought

that one through, had you?

I'll give her the crabs, easily.

- No more ideas from you.

- Oh, I've got it! It's perfect!

This is great!

Like that!

- What are you doing?

- What?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Relax, relax, relax. Relax!

Stay with me on this one.

Huh?

God damn it! No, you don't get it!

Dude, you don't get it!

Jack, what happened to your face?

- I fell.

- You fell?

Yeah.

I hit my head on a doorknob.

A few times.

I fall a lot these days. I'm just...

I'm so clumsy.

Jack, are you sure

that's what happened to you?

Sure someone else didn't do this to you?

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