What Happens Next Page #4

with someone who's all...

you know?

No. I'm not.

It just turns me off,

that's all.

You know, Andy,

I understand the concept

of a man loving a man.

What I don't understand

is why loving a man

means you have to

wiggle when you walk.

You know...

I think I've detected a little

wiggle in your walk lately.

Bullshit!

The fact that I've been

thinking about you

doesn't translate

into my walk.

You've been

thinking about me?

I'm thinking about this

whole f***ing thing.

I don't know how to navigate

my feelings around this.

Feelings?

I have been one way

my whole life, Andy.

And now,

in the smallest way,

I'm confused.

- Confused?

- About you.

Me...

Us.

Us?

What's next?

Next...

Are you mocking me?

No.

No. Uh, I'm...

Uh, sorry, I'm just in

a little bit of shock here.

Oh.

Sorry, I...

No, no, no.

I mean, don't be sorry.

It's...

I mean, you're great.

You're sweet...

and you're handsome.

It's just that, you know,

you're, you know.

- What?

- Hello!

Straight.

That's true.

Though I have had

questions along the way.

You have?

I've caught myself...

thinking about it now and again.

But, uh, I just put it

off to curiosity.

I never thought

of myself that way.

Andy, I'm in my 50s.

This is the last thing

I ever expected to happen.

Then you come along

and I don't know what

to think or what to feel.

I don't know what to say

half of the time.

And I sure as sh*t

don't know what happens next.

Yeah, well,

that makes two of us.

You have the loveliest knee.

I never noticed before.

Well, here he is.

Irene!

What a lovely surprise.

- Evening, Paul.

- Albert.

Hello, Paul.

You look very handsome.

And you look

as lovely as always.

I brought two

fabulous bottles of Zin

and the most gorgeous cashews

you have ever seen.

Good idea.

It'll be the only

edible thing all night.

Oh, Paul, stop it.

You weren't expecting me,

were you?

To be honest, no.

But I'm delighted

you're with us, nonetheless.

[Knock on door]

- Hi!

- Hi!

Okay, let me see it.

Hi, Beanie-weenie.

I like it.

No, you don't.

Does it make me look fat?

Yes, I like it.

No, it does not

make you look fat.

Why?

Because you are not fat.

Ohh!

I miss you, you little sh*t.

Where've you been?

I've been around.

Where have you been?

Ugh, I've been trying

to hire an assistant.

The art school

sent me ten possibilities.

Six straight - pass;

three no-shows.

I only have one left.

I'm praying that he's gay.

Nothing's easy.

Except for me.

And still I am not getting laid!

You know, I really do like it.

It doesn't look like

a rat's nest at all.

Rat's nest?

- Jasper.

- Aah!

I would rather dive

head first into my own vomit

than be within

ten feet of that queen.

He found me sitting with

a friend in the park.

A friend?

A new friend?

Ah, now that

is the $10 million question!

Tell me everything.

Spare no details.

Okay.

He is nothing

like you would expect.

He is interesting

and worldly and...

Worldly?!

What kind of guy are

you describing as worldly?

Who is he? Methuselah?

Paul...

Paul Greco.

He's in his 50s,

but intelligent

and sophisticated and...

Oh, sh*t!

You're serious.

I know.

But there's a catch. He's...

Missing a limb?

An eyeball?

Oh! A testicle?

He's straight.

Straight?

Paul Greco?

You know him?

I mean, it sounds familiar,

but that's not the point.

Honey, don't you see?

There is something wrong

with every man that you meet.

And I'm not sure what it's gonna

take for you to meet Mr. Right,

but it's certainly

not gonna be Mr. Straight.

He may not be entirely straight.

Well, I mean, if he's

not entirely straight,

he's not entirely gay either.

Don't you see?

It could be perfect...

He's not straight-acting

because he's not acting.

He's always been straight -

or at least thought he was.

If he turns out to be gay,

it's like I get

a gay straight man.

It's perfect.

Okay. You sound crazy.

I know it sounds crazy,

but I, uh,

I think he may be coming out.

Coming out? Over 50?

If that's not dragging it

across the finish line,

I don't know what is.

He's 50, not dead!

Besides, he's handsome

and sexy...

in his very straight

sort of way.

See? There lies the irony.

You love straight men,

I love gay men.

What is wrong with me?

Oh, please, just leave it

about me for one minute!

All right, all right.

Let's just say for

argument sake that he is gay...

What's your game plan?

I don't know.

Maybe we'll just have dinner

and end up being friends.

Honey, you want my advice?

Friends you have;

it's a lover you need.

[Knock on door]

Oh, come in!

- Hi.

- Hi, Shmunny.

Oh, hi, punny.

Your purse was ringing.

Oh, thanks. You're a doll.

- Grab a glass.

- Oh, sorry I took so long.

Why don't I ever hear that

when we're having sex?

Shut up.

At least you're having sex.

So you think he's ever done it?

I mean, with a guy.

Absolutely not.

Really?!

Wait...

Have you done it with a guy?

Well, I mean,

as a kid we all experimented.

I rest my case.

Well, uh, even still...

There's no such thing

as safe sex.

That's the reason

even to still have sex.

You don't think the old bird

still has some juice?

You two are disgusting.

Stop!

I mean, I am not worried about

him getting it up physically.

I am worried about him

getting up emotionally.

Right, exactly.

There's no pill for

emotional understableability.

Wait...

You think he's for real?

I don't know.

But I'm going to find out.

I'm going to ask him on a date.

Do you think

he's ready for that?

I'm not sure that

he's ready for anything.

But I am not going to play

footsies for another month

to find out.

Well, when are you

gonna ask him?

Tomorrow.

For when?

Next Thursday.

Oh, I'm in New York

next Thursday.

Ding, ding, ding, ding!

Oh, you're vicious.

You are vicious.

I can't believe you.

Let's go, Shmun,

it's getting late.

Oh, no!

No, no, no.

We have to go.

Oh, all right.

Thank you for coming over.

Good night, angel.

I want notes.

Or take notes

'cause I want the details.

I can't feel my lips.

- Good night.

- Good night.

Oh, my shoes.

Don't worry,

I will clean up.

Okay, bye.

Thank you.

What are you doing?

Checking out Mr. Straight.

Roz.

Sh*t! This guy's a heavy hitter.

Charity parties...

Wow, he's good looking.

Benefactor.

I gotta remember to put him

on the mailing list.

Roz, come to bed.

I don't know.

This guy's a serious socialite.

I just...

I don't get it.

Well, Andy is a big boy.

He can handle it himself.

And what about you?

Any luck with your interviews?

Oh, no, they're all horrid.

I'm down to the last one.

Well, perfect.

You only need one.

- Good night, sweetheart.

- Good night.

Good morning.

Morning.

Been here long?

Not too long.

- Andy...

- So Paul...

Oh, sorry. You first.

No.

No, no, please.

How about dinner on Thursday?

I know it's short notice so...

Yes.

I would like that.

Really? Are you sure?

It's just dinner,

so if you don't want to do it.

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