What Happens Next Page #5

Andy. Yes.

I would very much like

to have dinner with you.

Oh, okay.

Great.

Whew!

Sorry, I was

totally prepared for a no.

Why?

I just didn't expect

you to be so... receptive.

Well, it's dinner, right?

- Absolutely.

- Okay.

[Knock on door]

Andy?

Andy, are you here?

I think I left my bag.

[Phone ringing]

Hi, it's Andy.

Can't get to

the phone right now,

but leave me a message

and I'll get back to you

as soon as I can.

[Machine beeps]

Andy, are you there?

It's Derrick, okay,

and I don't understand

why you're never home.

What f***ing part of

"Never call here again"

don't you understand?

[Line goes dead]

Hello?

I guess that went well.

I almost forgot.

Uh, I brought you a gift.

Here...

Open it.

Oh...

A baseball cap.

I thought it was fun.

It says, ROMA.

It's the

Italian baseball team.

I figured since

you're Italian and all.

I get it.

You know, I haven't had

a baseball cap

since I played in high school.

I bet you were...

a pitcher?

Yes, yes. That's right.

[Mouths 'Thank You']

Well, uh, this is

very, very kind, Andy.

Thank you.

Aren't you gonna try it on?

Oh, I'll try it on

later at home.

Oh, yeah, sure. Later.

Uh, well, um, I have

a massage in a half an hour.

Valentino, he comes once a week.

Beats the sh*t outta me.

Relieves the tension, you know.

I'm sure.

And, and I, uh,

I won't see you tomorrow.

I have a golf date.

Well, have a ball.

I'll see you on Monday.

All right, yes.

See you next week.

Come on.

Let's go.

- Bye.

- See you next week.

Claire?

No, it's me, dear.

And I might as well be the maid

because I walk in

and it's like she's never here.

And that refrigerator

is a little... ripe.

What are you doing here?

Well, I had a late lunch

in the hotel.

Thought I'd stop by.

I saw Valentino.

My God, has he

ever gotten chubby.

Oh, listen, um,

this package came for you.

So what did you order

from Video Village?

That's a, uh, uh,

an exercise video.

- Thank you.

- Oh, how odd.

Strange...

Oh, by the way...

I spoke to Irene.

Paul... Paul!

Paulie?

Paul, I'm talking...

Excuse me.

That side of

the threshold, please.

Hmm!

Paul...

I couldn't help

but notice this baseball cap.

Is this for Brian?

No.

That's mine,

thank you very much.

[Chuckling]

- That's funny.

- What's so funny?

I can't wear

a damn baseball cap?

Oh, honey, please.

Unless you're Steven Spielberg

or going bald or G-A-Y,

no self-respecting

elderly gentleman

wears a baseball cap.

I'm 55.

Well, maybe you should

give that to Brian, hmm?

And maybe you should

mind your own business.

- Well, excuse me!

- I'm serious, Elise.

I did not appreciate that

setup with Irene last night.

Just listen to me, Paulie.

I love you madly,

but this is enough.

Now you cannot

live alone forever.

It is simply not practical.

And you need to marry Irene.

She is very, very sweet.

She has terrific style.

Everybody loves her.

She's perfect.

- I don't love Irene!

- Well, that doesn't matter.

What matters is you'll have

a terrific, wonderful companion,

and she'll have a gorgeous life.

It's just a great

arrangement for everyone.

Elise, I swear,

you are certifiably insane.

What is happening to you, Paul?

What with baseball caps

and exercise videos,

and your attitude?

Well, frankly, you know,

I find this behavior

extremely confusing.

Confusing...

That seems to be

the prevailing sentiment.

I do not understand!

And I am just telling you

right now that if

you are even considering having

some sort of a midlife crisis,

then I am going to have

a full-blown nervous breakdown.

Is that the same

nervous breakdown

you've been

working on for 25 years?

This is not a happy face.

And I will see myself out,

thank you.

And don't even think

about calling me.

Do you hear me?

Don't see me out!

[Dialing, phone rings]

Hello.

Hey, handsome.

Andy, I'm so glad you called.

Yeah...

Do you want to come over?

Now?

Now.

Uh, yeah, sure.

I just...

I was getting these

mixed signals and I...

Derrick, do you

want to come over?

Yes or no?

Yes.

Come on, good girl.

Good girl.

- Good morning!

- Hello.

I swear...

If it wasn't nailed down

she'd try to eat it.

Feel like I haven't

seen you in a week.

Oh, are you trying to say

you missed my company?

Something like that.

How was your weekend?

Nice.

Quiet.

Hung out with Roz.

We gabbed about the opening

of her new space.

She got an assistant...

Zach.

So one less drama.

Good.

Remind me to get you

a key to the gallery,

but first go to the distributor,

pick up six more boxes of tile.

Get the name from Joe.

He's the contractor.

I don't, uh, you know -

carry stuff.

Well, tip the Mexican kid

and have him do it.

Just get them here.

Stop at Starbucks

on your way back.

Get me a Venti decaf

fat-free latte, wet.

Then put the boxes

in the back of the gallery.

Do not stack them.

What did I just say?

Get a giant-sized bucket

of colored hot water

and don't stack the boxes.

What are you waiting for -

a gold star?

I need you back here by 11:00.

Move!

I might need more time.

Okay, you've been here

for five minutes.

You don't get to need.

Go on.

- She'll be...

- That's okay, I'm good.

Hey, what did you tell her?

I told her that Timmy

was running behind.

She could call back

in half an hour.

It's his sister.

What? Family?

No, no, no, forget it.

When we're busy,

family gets bumped. Sorry.

I tell them all the time,

"No family when we're busy."

I mean, come on.

So how are you?

I am gonna have

a nervous breakdown.

Okay, so what are we doing?

Uh, I just need a little

touch up right there.

Okay.

So what? Trouble with Albert?

No, no. Al's fine.

He's never a problem.

So what's going on?

Well, I have

a little situation

and I thought maybe

you could help.

Sure. I'm an open book.

Talk.

Well, I assume that you

know some people who are,

you know, G-A-Y.

G-A what?

Gay, Ruthie. Gay.

Oh!

Oh, oh, oh, queer!

I mean, hello!

A little discretion, please.

Oh, my God! You're gay?!

- Oh, Christ.

- That's great!

Oh, I have somebody

fabulous for you.

What do you like?

Uh, like the butchie type

or do you like

the lipstick girlie, girl?

Do I look gay to you, Ruthie?

Do I?

Oh... Sorry.

It's too bad.

So who is it?

Well, he hasn't

exactly told me yet.

Okay, so what do you got?

Well, he's distant,

he's been pulling away,

and he isn't married,

and he's not a kid anymore.

Is that all you got?

He's an artist.

Okay, now that's something.

Yeah...

You know, I've always suspected

ever since he was a little boy.

Listen, I can say this...

As sure as I am that the sun's

gonna set in the east,

there is only one...

The west, Ruthie.

The sun sets in the west.

Really?

Okay, well...

You just gotta talk to him

and tell him it's okay.

What? I can't do that.

I can't condone this.

I'm supposed to

call him up and say,

"Hello, darling, if you want

to have sex with boys,

it's fine with mommy."

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