What If

I'm not saying

that it's a good explanation,

it's obviously a bad explanation,

but we can't just

leave things like this.

You have to call me back, okay?

Wallace, whatever happened,

I still love you.

[PHONE BEEPS]

AUTOMATED VOICE:
This message

has been saved for 379 days.

[PHONE BEEPS]

Message deleted.

[POP MUSIC

PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

[CHATTERING]

Yeah, that was supposed to be

an anonymous fridge magnet poem.

And here I am quietly judging you.

Oh, I can handle it.

I've humiliated myself

much more thoroughly

in front of people I actually know.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

[NEEDLE SCRATCHES]

[POP MUSIC

PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

I'm sorry, I moved your poem.

I find this, like, weirdly addictive.

WALLACE:
Yeah, like face tattoos.

CHANTRY:
Like peeing in the ocean.

ALLAN:
Oh.

CHANTRY:
Aah!

- Here it is. Here it is.

- Hi.

- Oh, did you guys meet?

- Uh, kind of, yeah.

ALLAN:
Wallace, this is my cousin

Chantry. She's an animator.

- Chantry, this is Wallace.

- You're Wallace?

This is the first time

he's been outside in, like, a year.

- Wow.

WALLACE:
Yeah.

Yeah, you do look pale.

I just assumed you were,

like, anemic or partially albino.

- It's both, actually.

ALLAN:
He's been hibernating

- like bear because of his broken heart.

CHANTRY:
Aw.

Stop telling people

and stroking my face.

[ALLAN CHUCKLES]

CHANTRY:
Anyway, um...

NICOLE:
Do you guys know Becky?

Uh, she's small, has brown hair, always

bragging about her eating disorder.

I'm Becky.

- It's been a while.

WOMAN:
Oh, hello.

It's so good to see you again.

That's just what she sounds like!

Can I give you a tour of the house?

[ALLAN SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Come.

[BOTH SPEAK IN SPANISH]

CHANTRY:

To be fair, um,

I don't always like parties, either.

Awkward small talk is not my forte.

It's "fort," actually.

"Forte" is Italian, it means "forcefully."

And "fort" is French for "strength."

But I still say "forte" too.

If you say "fort,"

everyone thinks you're getting it wrong,

even though it is correct.

So is that, like, your thing?

Correcting people's pronunciation?

- Yeah, that's my thing.

- How's that going for you?

I have a dead-end job,

live in my sister's attic,

and I never go out.

Uh, correcting pronunciation

is my old thing.

Actually, my new thing

is over-sharing.

- Heh.

- Here, try some of Allan's beer.

Thank you.

You actually knocked yourself out?

- I think so.

- Wow.

And I'll tell you

something really weird.

My face is, like,

permanently damaged.

Like, if you look up here,

you can see there's, like...

- I think there's, like, a dent.

- Sort of like, uh, Quasimodo.

Yeah.

So, um, I've got to go

to the bathroom.

Do you need anything,

like some dental floss,

or, you know, um, expired aspirin?

No, but I've left

a matchbox in there,

and I was hoping women

could leave pubic hair...

[LAUGHS]

Uh, I'll just go around with,

like, a party tray.

No, they'll be in there.

It'll be fine.

- I'm stuffing a pillow.

- Okay.

[MOANING]

WALLACE:
Oh. Hey.

- Oh. Hi.

I was just, um, leaving

without saying goodbye, like a dick.

Yeah. Yeah, that's totally

what I am doing as well.

- Heh.

- Oh.

- Where are you...?

- Oh, um,

I'm just, like,

a couple blocks west.

- Me too.

- Oh.

- Uh, would you like to walk together?

- Um, yeah. Sure.

Cool.

I read in the tabloids

that she's a cannibal

- and he faked Parkinson's for attention.

- I read that too. Crazy.

Awful people. Really.

Um, this is actually me here.

Oh. Right. Um, well, hey,

I had a really good time talking to you.

Yeah. Me too.

Which is rare, actually.

I'm usually not that social, so...

Well, um,

maybe you'd like

to talk again sometime.

Yeah, definitely.

We should hang out.

Yeah. It'd be lovely.

Okay, so, I'm gonna

give you my number.

- Okay. I will...

- Top secret.

Good.

I did not mean to stay out so late.

No, me neither.

My boyfriend will be worried about,

um, what happened to me,

so, you know, call me.

Yes. Thank you very much. Um...

- Nice to meet you.

- Nice meeting you.

- Cool.

- Good night.

Good night.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

WALLACE:

I had a good time talking to you.

CHANTRY:

Yeah. Me too.

My boyfriend will be wondering

what happened to me.

[CHIRPING]

Hey, what's up, Felix?

[THUD THEN ELLIE GRUNTS]

- You all right?

- Just dropped an earring.

Your dinner's in the oven.

- Good night.

- What time will you be home?

If the date is good, midnight.

If the date is bad, 8.

Uh, no treats, okay?

And no horror movies.

And don't let him go up on the roof.

And don't sell his organs

on the black market.

Okay. I'm off.

WALLACE:

Take care. Have fun. Good luck.

[MAN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY

ON TV]

MAN 1 [ON TV]:
Unh.

- Clear!

All right, mate, close your eyes.

MAN 2 [ON TV]:

Clear.

Aah!

Okay, you can open them again.

[GROWLING]

[DOOR OPENS]

[CARTOON MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]

[GROANS]

[SIGHS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING ON TV]

[MAN SCREAMING ON TV]

[ELLIE SIGHS]

CHANTRY:

Thank you.

NARRATOR:
Nothing gave Buttercup

as much pleasure

as ordering Westley around.

BUTTERCUP:

Farm boy?

Polish my horse's saddle.

I want to see my face

shining in it by morning.

WESTLEY:

As you wish.

NARRATOR:
"As you wish"

was all he ever said to her.

Thank you.

[HORN HONKS]

MAN:
Hey. Need a ride?

CHANTRY:
Oh, hey.

Hey. Um, no, I think we're okay.

Thanks. Yeah.

Sorry, I didn't see you there.

No, I also didn't see you

standing right next to me.

Hi, Wallace.

- Chantry.

- Yes.

- I'm here alone.

- Me too.

My boyfriend was supposed to come,

but he had to work late, so...

I like seeing movies by myself, though.

I think it's, um,

really cool you're here alone.

Oh, yeah. Super cool.

Yeah.

CHANTRY:
Seriously?

WALLACE:
Yeah, seriously.

I don't think you can have Princess

Bride as one of your favorite movies

if you actually think love

makes you a worse person.

Well, no, it's irrelevant.

The Princess Bride

is a fairy tale.

In fairy tales, love inspires you

to be noble and courageous,

but in real life, love is just an

all-purpose excuse for selfish behavior.

You can lie and cheat and hurt people,

and it's all okay because you're in love.

I don't know

if you are actually cynical,

or just a super crazy,

romantic cheese ball.

You go see Princess Bride by yourself,

on a week night, like a total loser.

Yeah, well, your boyfriend ditched you,

and you still came all by yourself,

- so who's the real loser?

- Are you hungry?

CHANTRY:
I can't believe

you ordered fried pickles.

Pickles are disgusting.

Pickling is like embalming, basically.

Like, a pickle jar

is like a tomb for cucumbers.

I violated a tremendous amount

of corpses in medical school,

so I know that pickling

is not the same as embalming.

- You're a doctor?

- Uh, heh, no.

- Med school dropout.

- All right.

[CRUNCHING]

The whole premise of deep-frying

is it makes everything taste better.

- I don't like deep-fried food.

- French fries?

- Eugh.

- Onion rings?

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