What If Page #2

- Fried chicken?

- Nope.

- Fish and chips?

- Gross.

Funnel cakes? Doughnuts?

Deep-fried banana sandwiches?

No, but Elvis ate those.

And something called Fool's Gold.

- What is that?

- I don't know exactly,

but I read on the Internet

that Elvis died

with 40 pounds of undigested feces

still in his intestine.

Thank you for telling me that

in the middle of dinner.

- You're welcome.

- Next time I take a bite,

- you can say "diarrhea."

- Diarrhea.

Is this something

you learn in med school?

Yeah. They go through the...

- All the famous people.

- All the famous people

and how much feces were left in

them at the time of their death.

- Marie Antoinette?

- Tons.

In fact, they had to guillotine

her intestine as well as her head.

Yeah. They just, like, moved the body

further along through the machine.

Who do you think weighs the feces?

I think, as the king,

it would've been, like,

a job that people fought for.

- Mm-hm.

- "Well, if I can't dress him,

if I can't make him look pretty for the

casket, can I at least touch his poo?"

- You think he kept a bit?

- I'm sure he did.

In a matchbox or something, yeah.

Like, one of those little vials

you could wear around your neck.

Like, yeah, he had, like,

a little sh*t locket.

- Heh-heh-heh-heh.

- Yeah, yes.

CHANTRY:
So, like, I've been

with Ben for five years, and, like,

I get that guys don't want to hang out

with the girl with the boyfriend,

but it just sucks, you know.

It just makes you feel like

the only thing

that's interesting about you

is how you look with your clothes off.

I mean, like, it should be easier

to make friends if you have a boyfriend,

because there's no confusion.

Uh, so is that it?

That's your big pitch

to be my friend?

- Um...

- That was terrible.

Yeah, I know, I know.

I'm just...

I practiced in the mirror, and...

- Anyway...

- Friends?

- Yeah, why not? Friends.

- All right.

Is this how you make friends?

Like a business deal?

Yeah, actually. It's just my style.

- It's quite unnerving, but it's good.

- Heh-heh.

WALLACE:

What's shaking, hot pants?

You can't write,

What's shaking, hot pants."

Have you seen anyone wearing

hot pants in the last five years?

That homeless man who shouts

at people near the pool.

[COMPUTER DINGS]

WALLACE:

So I found this website

where they explain what

Fool's Gold is.

- You take

- Heh.

A loaf of Italian white bread,

you coat it in butter

and bake it.

[TIMER DINGS]

Then you hollow out the inside

and coat it

with an entire jar of peanut butter,

and an entire jar of jam.

Then you stuff it

with a pound of crispy bacon.

The website said it serves

eight to ten people, or one Elvis.

You know, a jar of peanut butter

has, like, 6,000 calories in it.

And bacon is not even a food.

Technically, it's just pure fat.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

re:
just pure fat.

I can't confirm how much feces

were in Elvis's colon when he died,

but I did find out

how he discovered Fool's Gold."

They get on the jet, private jet,

fly to Denver, get to Denver,

order Fool's Gold sandwiches

to be delivered to the plane,

eat them, fly back to Graceland

without ever getting off the plane.

- Wow.

- And the best part is,

February 1, 1976?

The day my parents got married.

- Oh, no! Wallace!

WALLACE:
Come on.

CHANTRY:
Got it!

WALLACE:
Mail storm!

[SIGHS]

[MOUSE CLICKS]

ALLAN:

it starts dirty, it ends dirty.

A relationship that starts with a breakup

is doomed to end with a breakup.

- Who said that?

- Me.

You, after Vicky Cardero gave me

a BJ at her boyfriend's keg party

- and I wanted to ask her out.

- I recall you ignored that advice.

- What was the result?

- It ended dirty.

Gonorrhea-and-a-fistfight dirty.

This is not gonorrhea and a fistfight.

I'm not trying to break them up.

I just... I'm happy

just being friends with her.

Is this a good

housewarming gift for Nicole?

Why are you buying her a gift?

She's moving into your house.

Girls are weird about this sort of stuff,

and I'd rather overcompensate.

How much for the flying moose?

This dinner is a terrible idea.

Normally, I wouldn't care about you

tumbling into some mess with a girl.

I'd even rejoice at the statistically tiny

but mathematical possible chance

of a threesome, but this is my cousin.

I accidentally saw her labia one time,

immediately, explosive diarrhea.

Oh, but you are misreading

this whole situation,

because you can't interact with

a woman without sex screwing it up.

But I can, because I'm a grown-up.

And it's so adorable

that you really believe that.

More importantly,

if this was your bedside lamp,

do you think the warm glow would make

you feel more sexually experimental?

- Absolutely.

- What do you think?

I've got the same one at home.

DALIA:
It's the worst thing

that's ever happened in all of history.

Was it worse than when that meteor

hit Earth and killed all the dinosaurs?

Yes. My breakup is definitely

worse than a stupid meteor.

I just can't believe

that Rob cheated on you.

- With a grad student!

- No, I know.

Her thesis is probably

on how to be a rat-faced whore.

And I really liked him.

I'm so sorry.

I liked him so much, I don't even want to

sleep with his friends to get back at him.

I mean, I will,

but I'm not gonna enjoy it.

Do you think there might be, like,

a less skanky option for rebounding?

No. This is something

you have to do.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- I don't want to wreck your dinner party.

- No, no, it's not a dinner party.

It's just, like, my friend, Wallace.

Stay. This Wallace guy

could be a good rebound for you.

Okay.

Please, go easy on him.

He's delicate.

- Hi!

WALLACE:
Hi.

- Hey. I brought booze.

- Thank you! That's so nice.

WALLACE:
You're welcome.

- You can take your coat off.

I will. Thank you very much.

Well, this place

looks just like I imagined.

- Really?

- Well, I mean,

yeah, I pictured more potpourri

and doilies and stuffed animals

- and things, knowing you, but, yeah...

- I put that away.

I know that it weirds you out.

Ben, Wallace is here.

WALLACE:
Hi.

- Hey, Wallace. How are you?

Hi.

Oh. Oh. Sorry.

- No worries.

BEN:
Let me dry off my hands.

- Thanks for coming by.

- No. Nice to meet you. Thank you.

- Hey, everybody.

- Hey.

Oh, um, Wallace,

this is my sister, Dalia.

WALLACE:
Nice to...

- Nice to meet you.

WALLACE:
on. Hello.

- Hi.

[DALIA SNIFFS]

- You smell really good.

- Really?

Yeah. Or maybe

it just smells really bad in here, right?

No, he smells great.

But it is getting kind of oniony in here.

- Can someone open the window?

- Yeah, I'll get it.

CHANTRY:

Right over there.

So, Wallace, I'd like to get

your opinion on something.

- Uh, yeah?

- Europe.

The...? The continent?

- See?

BEN:
Is it?

- Is it?

CHANTRY:
Yes, it is a cont...

BEN:
Is it a continent?

- It is.

He is from that continent,

he should know.

Okay, look at a map,

any map,

Europe's not a separate continent,

it's clearly part of Asia.

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