What If Page #3

Right. But, wait, so if Europe isn't

a continent, then why is it a continent?

Because Europeans were the ones

who decided what the continents are,

and they didn't want to get lumped in

with all the, you know, Asians.

Ben is trying to change the world

from the inside out.

Okay? Eurasia.

That's what they should call it.

- Europe plus Asia: Eurasia.

WALLACE:
Okay.

- Who wants more wine?

CHANTRY:
I do. Please.

- Um, in my glass.

DALIA:
Here.

And so, um, Ben, what is it exactly

that you do at the UN?

I'm part of an international consortium

of lawyers with a UN mandate

- to negotiate copyright standards.

WALLACE:
Wow.

More importantly, are you trying

to sleep with my girlfriend?

CHANTRY:
Ben was working late

and Allan invited me...

Uh, don't worry,

we're just talking "guy," okay?

They think we're talking about

international copyright law.

Okay.

Now, look, I have no problem with the

concept of Chantry having guy friends,

but if you're trying to move in...

No, no, God, I wouldn't do that.

I just want to be friends with her.

And with you.

Friends is fine. Okay?

I can do friends.

But you better not try

and put your penis anywhere near her.

- Okay.

- Every country has different laws,

so it's a logistical nightmare, but

I think it's important work, you know?

- I think it's worth it.

- That is impressive. Very impressive.

- Ah. Ah. Ah! Aah!

- Oh, sh*t.

BEN:
Aah!

WALLACE:
You all right?

BEN:
Oh, my God, my eye! Aah!

CHANTRY:
What is it?

He's just rubbed his eye.

God! My eye! It's really burning.

- Did you cut the jalapeo?

- Yeah, I did.

WALLACE:
Yeah.

- Oh, my... Ow! Ow! Ow!

- Wallace, medical school!

BEN:
Sh*t, it hurts!

Okay, well, do you...? Saline solution.

Do you use contacts?

- I do. It's in the bathroom.

- Ben wears contacts.

WALLACE:
Okay. Where?

- Through that door!

- Yeah.

BEN:
Oh, God, that's painful!

- Okay, what can I do, honey?

BEN:
God, that burns so badly!

It's on that rag

and it's in the other eye now!

Aah!

CHANTRY:

I'm sorry! Just...

CHANTRY:

Over there!

[BEN GRUNTS THEN SCREAMS]

CHANTRY:
Ben? Aah! Ben!

WALLACE:
Oh, sh*t!

- Oh, my God!

- Ben?

- Are you okay?

BEN:
Unh.

CHANTRY:

Okay, don't move. Ben!

[BEN GASPING]

- Do something!

- Call 911!

CHANTRY:
Oh, no!

Okay, stay right there! Don't move!

WALLACE:

I'm sorry. You look fine.

BEN:

Aah! It hurts me! it hurts me!

[SIREN WAILING]

- Just be still.

- What if I'm paralyzed?

You're not paralyzed.

I'm gonna give you something

for the pain to help you relax.

Oh, my God.

What if I relax too much?

What if I lose control

of my bodily function?

What if I sh*t myself?

You know, that actually happens

more than you'd think.

It's the worst part of my job.

It's super gross.

Here we go.

BEN:
Unh...

- Okay. Okay. Okay.

PARAMEDIC:
And there we are.

- Just lie still. Shh.

[BEN GROANING]

BEN:

Ooh.

Should you really be eating?

Stress makes me hungry. That's why

I can never be a fighter pilot.

I would be, like, 500 pounds, I wouldn't

even be able to fit in the cockpit.

BEN [SINGING]:

Holy night

Shh.

[ALL HUMMING]

So, what's the prognosis, doc?

He'll need the cast

for a few more weeks,

but the, uh, neck brace

is a precaution.

And he'll probably

be out in the morning.

If you're gonna spend the night,

I can wait here with Ben.

You guys get something to eat.

CHANTRY:

What are you getting?

Tuna salad. Yeah.

- I hate hospitals.

- Mm, me too.

I spent a lot of time

in hospitals as a child.

Because of all your deformities?

- Um, no, my parents met as interns.

- Right.

He does cardiology,

she does orthopedics.

He actually proposed to her on the roof

of Charing Cross Hospital in London.

That's romantic.

Yeah, until the affairs.

She cheated on him,

he cheated on her.

It was just a mess.

How old were you

when they got divorced?

Uh, 7, I think.

Oh, uh, you don't know how

to teleport, do you?

- No.

- Okay.

Then I apologize for the awkward

situation you're about to witness.

Hi. Um, sorry,

Chantry, uh, this is Megan, my, urn...

Well, my nothing in particular.

CHANTRY:

Nice to meet you.

Wallace, what are you doing here?

Are you sick?

No, um, Chantry's boyfriend

fell out of a window, but he's okay.

- Do you want me to look in on him?

- No. That won't be necessary.

I'm gonna go.

We only get 15 minutes to eat lunch.

Don't get the bagel

with smoked salmon,

or the tuna, or anything with seafood.

The company that stocks the machine

has failed four inspections,

but the manager's brother

works for the mayor.

I'm sorry, I've been on shift

for 18 hours and I'm really tired.

I had so much coffee, and when I saw

her, I thought she was your girlfriend,

and that made me want to cry.

It's weird I'm saying this out loud,

right?

- You are, and it is.

- I just want us to be friends.

Not today, but someday.

Whatever he said,

it wasn't black-and-white...

He hasn't said anything about you.

He's never even mentioned you.

Um...

Okay, uh, it was nice to meet you.

- I hope your boyfriend feels better.

CHANTRY:
Thank you.

That was my ex-girlfriend.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Dude, you're really fishhooking me

over this new manual.

Is fishhooking good or bad?

- You enjoy being fishhooked?

- I've never been fishhooked.

- Take a guess.

- Probably not.

Definitely not.

Nobody wants to be fishhooked.

All those girls in high school

you fishhooked, they didn't like it.

They just wanted to have sex with me.

Uh, you. Uh, men. Men.

I'm off topic.

- God, I hope so.

- Uh, yeah. Manual.

Uh, it needs a lot of work.

So I'll give you, uh, another wee...

Uh, month.

Extra month. So make it, uh...

Make it right.

[SIGHS]

CHANTRY:

Hang on a second.

Seriously, Josh,

this is where we're doing it?

With the wood? Because I think

it might be cleaner someplace else.

- You're blocking the shot, so...

CHANTRY:
Oh, sorry.

- Keep going, Josh.

- Douche.

It is total bullshit that Josh got

the project manager job over you.

Everyone knows it's your design,

and now Josh is acting like it's his.

- It's, like, sexism or something.

- Our boss is a woman.

Uh, I am so pissed that I gave Josh

a ho-jo after the Christmas party.

It is kind of your tradition to give one of

our coworkers a handsy for Christmas.

Shh!

Listen, guys, Holly offered me

the promotion first.

- I turned it down.

BOTH:
What?

GRETCHEN:
Why?

- Because I like being an animator.

[GIRL GROANS]

I do, and the project manager

has to deal with so much more,

like, hassle and paperwork

and meetings,

and Josh is gonna end up

stuck in Taiwan half the year.

Yeah, all that extra power and money

and travel is gonna suck.

Stop. She doesn't want

the hassle, okay?

She's got a great job, a great boyfriend,

great friends like me, kind of you.

She's happy

just the way things are, right?

Right.

[SIGHS]

Oh, good, there they are.

Servings per pack, about 107.

- Oh, about.

- About.

Oh, okay. Heh-heh-heh.

Just in case you want to eat

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