What If Page #4

Synopsis: WHAT IF is the story of medical school dropout Wallace, who's been repeatedly burned by bad relationships. So while everyone around him, including his roommate Allan seems to be finding the perfect partner, Wallace decides to put his love life on hold. It is then that he meets Chantry an animator who lives with her longtime boyfriend Ben. Wallace and Chantry form an instant connection, striking up a close friendship. Still, there is no denying the chemistry between them, leading the pair to wonder, what if the love of your life is actually your best friend?
Genre: Comedy, Romance
Director(s): Michael Dowse
Production: CBS Films
  2 wins & 8 nominations.
 
IMDB:
6.8
Metacritic:
59
Rotten Tomatoes:
72%
PG-13
Year:
2013
98 min
$2,743,895
Website
5,369 Views


all of it in one sitting.

That is not a good idea.

Please don't...

Please don't eat it all.

BEN:

I won't.

I wanna know

where the weird sh*t is.

Like, where are the animal parts

that you think are trash,

- but are actually food?

- Chantry, I've been waiting

for the right moment to, um,

talk to you about this,

but I think maybe it's better just

to stop building it up and just say it.

Okay. ls everything okay?

Oh, no, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Of course, yeah.

Um, okay so we've been

together five years,

and it feels like

our relationship is built to last.

No matter what the future holds.

I've been asked to take charge

of the European negotiation.

It's a six-month contract.

Um, but the thing is,

the team is based in Ireland,

so I would have to live in Dublin,

although I'd have to travel

around the whole, um, continent.

You mean the subcontinent,

- but that's okay.

- Right.

Look, this is important to me,

but there is nothing

more important than you.

So if you feel like,

um, the long-distance thing

is too much, I'll turn it down.

This is a huge opportunity

for you, right?

Lead negotiator?

BEN:
I love you.

CHANTRY:
I love you.

- Unh.

WALLACE:
Go, Felix!

Dude, I'm not saying you can't eat it.

I'm saying you'll get horribly sick.

But it wouldn't kill you.

You can eat your own poop,

but if you eat the poop

that you poop out

after eating the first poop,

it's so toxic, you'll die.

So you can eat your poop once,

but not twice.

- Unh!

NICOLE:
Hey, excuse me. Excuse me.

Okay, where did you get beer

at a children's karate tournament?

[MIMICKING] Where'd you get beer

at a children's karate tournament?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] So, Wallace, we

should get to know each other better.

Talk about the issues of our time.

Gay marriage, abortion,

can men and women really be friends,

or do you secretly

want to bang Chantry?

Thank you.

She has a boyfriend.

- Yeah, who you threw out a window.

- By accident.

Dude, listen,

Ben is moving to Dublin,

and your whole "if it starts dirty,

it ends dirty" thing is bullshit anyways.

The night I met Allan,

I was so into him,

it wasn't till I woke up the next morning

that I remembered I had a boyfriend.

Love is dirty, baby.

Sometimes it's downright filthy.

Oh, Christ.

Hey -

I need to wear something

to this company dinner

with our production partners

from Taiwan.

What do you think?

I think that's quite a dress.

CHANTRY [WHISPERING]: Do you think it's,

like, a little too slutty for me'?

- No, nothing's too slutty for you.

WOMAN:
Can I help you?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Yeah, actually,

um, I would like to try on that dress.

We only have the one left,

and it's a size two.

- Are you a two?

- Yes.

- I'm gonna get the measuring tape.

- I'm a two.

[GRUNTING]

[FABRIC RIPPING]

Aah!

CHANTRY [WHISPERING]:

Wallace?

- Wallace!

- Yes?

CHANTRY [IN NORMAL VOICE]:

Um, are you alone?

Like, in the universe?

No, in the hallway!

Uh, yes.

Okay, um...

- Do you need me to get someone?

CHANTRY:
No, no, don't get anyone.

I need you to come in here.

What?

CHANTRY:

I'm kind of stuck.

So I need you to crawl under,

but keep your eyes closed.

- Really? Uh...

- I am in a state of undress.

- You need to close your eyes.

- Okay, okay.

Promise to close your eyes

and keep them closed?

- Yes, I promise.

- Hurry!

[SIGHS THEN GRUNTS]

CHANTRY:
What?

- I... No...

CHANTRY:
Did you open your eyes?

- No, I just banged my head

because my eyes are closed.

Okay, so here's what happened.

I tried it on, and I think

it got hooked on my bra or something,

- and now I can't get it off.

- Right.

You're not gonna laugh, are you?

- I can't even see what's going on.

- Okay.

Okay, um...

- Are your eyes closed?

- Yes.

I think you need to move a bit.

There, yeah.

[CHANTRY SQUEALS]

WALLACE:
You're all right.

CHANTRY:
No. It's stuck.

WALLACE:
Okay, okay.

Um, turn around, turn to me.

Yeah.

[WALLACE GRUNTING]

- Thank you.

- It's okay.

Should I hold that?

Here, hold this.

And keep your eyes closed.

[ALLAN MOANING]

Oh, I love you so much,

I wanna just rip off your arms and legs

and carry you

around in my purse all day.

I love you so much I want

to grind up your muscles

and organs and bones

and spread you on toast.

Mm! I love you so much I want to just

cut you open and scoop out your insides

and wear your skin around town

like an Allan suit.

[BOTH MOANING]

- Okay. Bye, Wallace.

- Bye, Nicole.

[TIMER DINGS

THEN NICOLE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

Can I talk to you about something?

[NACHOS SIZZLING]

I just had sex.

I'm about to eat nachos!

It's the greatest moment of my life!

Unless you screw it up

with whatever you're about to say.

It's about your cousin.

She's my cousin. It's like incest.

Well, she's not my cousin.

But you're like my brother,

so it's like my brother asking my advice

on how to incestuously bang

my cousin.

No, I'm not. She...

She has a boyfriend.

Yeah. He's been over for Thanksgiving

and Christmas for the past five years.

Okay, let me break it down for you.

This perfect nacho chip is Ben.

He works at the United Nations as

an expert in international copyright law.

This moldy banana is you.

I have no idea what you do.

Every time you tell me, I fall asleep.

You know I write user manuals

for dedicated purchasing software.

[ALLAN SNORING]

- Like copyright law is so exciting.

- At least he's an expert in something.

What are you an expert in? Nothing.

"There are no people anywhere

seeking my advice on any subject."

Ben's been dating Chantry

for five years.

They live together.

They own furniture.

They have a cat. You have nothing.

You don't even have a plant.

You've been single

since that douche-bag Megan

broke your fragile little heart.

Okay, okay.

I broke up with Megan, all right?

She wanted to stay together

and work it out.

I said no, so I dumped her.

Of course you did.

Anyway, I get it. It's fine.

She's in a relationship.

Nothing's gonna happen.

You totally killed

my sex nacho high.

BEN:

So...

Keys,

wallet,

Passport, phone.

Keys, wallet and... Yes, this.

It's an open ticket to Dublin.

It's a five-hour flight.

It's already paid for,

so use it whenever you want,

even if it's just for a weekend,

even if it's just for a day,

even if it's just for a kiss.

- Okay?

- Mm-hm.

[HORN HONKS]

No, baby, baby, I got to go.

I got to go. The cab's here.

I'm so sorry.

I can't miss my flight.

Okay, I'm so late. Okay?

Okay, baby?

Goodbye.

- Love you.

- Love you too.

Bye.

[PHONE BEEPS]

BEN [ON RECORDING]: Hey, it's me.

Sorry I missed your call.

I'm in Berlin.

Hey, it's me. I'm in Munich.

[PHONE BEEPS]

Hey, I'm in Prague.

Fm in Amsterdam. Fm in Florence.

Hey, honey, I'm in Vienna now.

[PHONE BEEPS]

I got your message.

Cell reception in Athens is a mess.

- Did you get my postcard?

CHANTRY:
Hey, it's me.

Why don't you call me right before you

go to bed, even if it's a weird time here.

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Elan Mastai

Elan Mastai is a Canadian screenwriter and novelist. He is best known for The F Word, for which he won the Canadian Screen Award for Best Adapted Screenplay at the 2nd Canadian Screen Awards in 2014.His other screenwriting credits include MVP: Most Vertical Primate and Fury. He has described The F Word as the first time he wrote a screenplay in his own voice, rather than to the commercial demands of a mass-audience film.He was born and raised in Vancouver, British Columbia, to a Canadian mother and an Israeli immigrant father. He studied film at Queen's University and Concordia University.In 2015, Mastai secured a $1.25 million deal for his debut novel, All Our Wrong Todays. A science fiction novel about a man from an alternate history utopia who, while part of a time travel experiment, causes a drastic alteration of his history, and regains consciousness in our society. The novel was published on February 7, 2017. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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