What If Page #4
all of it in one sitting.
That is not a good idea.
Please don't...
Please don't eat it all.
BEN:
I won't.
I wanna know
where the weird sh*t is.
Like, where are the animal parts
that you think are trash,
- but are actually food?
- Chantry, I've been waiting
for the right moment to, um,
talk to you about this,
but I think maybe it's better just
to stop building it up and just say it.
Okay. ls everything okay?
Oh, no, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Of course, yeah.
Um, okay so we've been
together five years,
and it feels like
our relationship is built to last.
No matter what the future holds.
I've been asked to take charge
of the European negotiation.
It's a six-month contract.
Um, but the thing is,
the team is based in Ireland,
so I would have to live in Dublin,
although I'd have to travel
around the whole, um, continent.
You mean the subcontinent,
- but that's okay.
- Right.
Look, this is important to me,
but there is nothing
more important than you.
So if you feel like,
um, the long-distance thing
is too much, I'll turn it down.
This is a huge opportunity
for you, right?
Lead negotiator?
BEN:
I love you.CHANTRY:
I love you.- Unh.
WALLACE:
Go, Felix!Dude, I'm not saying you can't eat it.
I'm saying you'll get horribly sick.
But it wouldn't kill you.
You can eat your own poop,
but if you eat the poop
that you poop out
after eating the first poop,
it's so toxic, you'll die.
So you can eat your poop once,
but not twice.
- Unh!
NICOLE:
Hey, excuse me. Excuse me.Okay, where did you get beer
at a children's karate tournament?
[MIMICKING] Where'd you get beer
at a children's karate tournament?
[IN NORMAL VOICE] So, Wallace, we
should get to know each other better.
Talk about the issues of our time.
Gay marriage, abortion,
can men and women really be friends,
or do you secretly
want to bang Chantry?
Thank you.
She has a boyfriend.
- Yeah, who you threw out a window.
- By accident.
Dude, listen,
Ben is moving to Dublin,
and your whole "if it starts dirty,
it ends dirty" thing is bullshit anyways.
The night I met Allan,
I was so into him,
it wasn't till I woke up the next morning
that I remembered I had a boyfriend.
Love is dirty, baby.
Sometimes it's downright filthy.
Oh, Christ.
Hey -
I need to wear something
to this company dinner
with our production partners
from Taiwan.
What do you think?
I think that's quite a dress.
CHANTRY [WHISPERING]: Do you think it's,
like, a little too slutty for me'?
- No, nothing's too slutty for you.
WOMAN:
Can I help you?[IN NORMAL VOICE] Yeah, actually,
um, I would like to try on that dress.
We only have the one left,
and it's a size two.
- Are you a two?
- Yes.
- I'm gonna get the measuring tape.
- I'm a two.
[GRUNTING]
[FABRIC RIPPING]
Aah!
CHANTRY [WHISPERING]:
Wallace?
- Wallace!
- Yes?
CHANTRY [IN NORMAL VOICE]:
Um, are you alone?
Like, in the universe?
No, in the hallway!
Uh, yes.
Okay, um...
- Do you need me to get someone?
CHANTRY:
No, no, don't get anyone.I need you to come in here.
What?
CHANTRY:
I'm kind of stuck.
So I need you to crawl under,
but keep your eyes closed.
- Really? Uh...
- I am in a state of undress.
- You need to close your eyes.
- Okay, okay.
Promise to close your eyes
and keep them closed?
- Yes, I promise.
- Hurry!
[SIGHS THEN GRUNTS]
CHANTRY:
What?- I... No...
CHANTRY:
Did you open your eyes?- No, I just banged my head
because my eyes are closed.
Okay, so here's what happened.
I tried it on, and I think
it got hooked on my bra or something,
- and now I can't get it off.
- Right.
You're not gonna laugh, are you?
- I can't even see what's going on.
- Okay.
Okay, um...
- Are your eyes closed?
- Yes.
I think you need to move a bit.
There, yeah.
[CHANTRY SQUEALS]
WALLACE:
You're all right.CHANTRY:
No. It's stuck.WALLACE:
Okay, okay.Um, turn around, turn to me.
Yeah.
[WALLACE GRUNTING]
- Thank you.
- It's okay.
Should I hold that?
Here, hold this.
And keep your eyes closed.
[ALLAN MOANING]
Oh, I love you so much,
I wanna just rip off your arms and legs
and carry you
around in my purse all day.
I love you so much I want
to grind up your muscles
and organs and bones
and spread you on toast.
Mm! I love you so much I want to just
cut you open and scoop out your insides
and wear your skin around town
like an Allan suit.
[BOTH MOANING]
- Okay. Bye, Wallace.
- Bye, Nicole.
[TIMER DINGS
THEN NICOLE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
Can I talk to you about something?
[NACHOS SIZZLING]
I just had sex.
I'm about to eat nachos!
It's the greatest moment of my life!
Unless you screw it up
with whatever you're about to say.
It's about your cousin.
She's my cousin. It's like incest.
Well, she's not my cousin.
But you're like my brother,
so it's like my brother asking my advice
on how to incestuously bang
my cousin.
No, I'm not. She...
She has a boyfriend.
Yeah. He's been over for Thanksgiving
and Christmas for the past five years.
Okay, let me break it down for you.
This perfect nacho chip is Ben.
He works at the United Nations as
an expert in international copyright law.
This moldy banana is you.
I have no idea what you do.
Every time you tell me, I fall asleep.
You know I write user manuals
for dedicated purchasing software.
[ALLAN SNORING]
- Like copyright law is so exciting.
- At least he's an expert in something.
What are you an expert in? Nothing.
"There are no people anywhere
seeking my advice on any subject."
Ben's been dating Chantry
for five years.
They live together.
They own furniture.
They have a cat. You have nothing.
You don't even have a plant.
You've been single
since that douche-bag Megan
broke your fragile little heart.
Okay, okay.
I broke up with Megan, all right?
She wanted to stay together
and work it out.
I said no, so I dumped her.
Of course you did.
Anyway, I get it. It's fine.
She's in a relationship.
Nothing's gonna happen.
You totally killed
my sex nacho high.
BEN:
So...
Keys,
wallet,
Passport, phone.
Keys, wallet and... Yes, this.
It's an open ticket to Dublin.
It's a five-hour flight.
It's already paid for,
so use it whenever you want,
even if it's just for a weekend,
even if it's just for a day,
even if it's just for a kiss.
- Okay?
- Mm-hm.
[HORN HONKS]
No, baby, baby, I got to go.
I got to go. The cab's here.
I'm so sorry.
I can't miss my flight.
Okay, I'm so late. Okay?
Okay, baby?
Goodbye.
- Love you.
- Love you too.
Bye.
[PHONE BEEPS]
BEN [ON RECORDING]: Hey, it's me.
Sorry I missed your call.
I'm in Berlin.
Hey, it's me. I'm in Munich.
[PHONE BEEPS]
Hey, I'm in Prague.
Fm in Amsterdam. Fm in Florence.
Hey, honey, I'm in Vienna now.
[PHONE BEEPS]
I got your message.
Cell reception in Athens is a mess.
- Did you get my postcard?
CHANTRY:
Hey, it's me.Why don't you call me right before you
go to bed, even if it's a weird time here.
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"What If" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 4 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/what_if_23275>.
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