What If Page #5

I just want to hear your voice.

BEN [OVER PHONE]:

So I finally got my cast off.

My arm's all smelly and shriveled.

If I felt you up, it'd be like you were

cheating on me with my evil twin.

Please, tell me more

about how you want to molest me

with your creepy, rancid freak arm.

You'd love Dublin, though.

They've got us all staying

in the same building,

so the whole office

is basically living together,

but I've already made

some good friends.

It's nice, but I just...

You know, I miss you so much.

Yeah, I know, I...

I really miss you too.

Look, I got to go, okay?

I love you.

Okay.

BEN:
See you.

- Okay.

BEN:
All right, speak tonight.

- All right, talk to you then.

BEN:
Bye-bye.

- Bye.

- Sorry.

- No worries.

- Black for you, milk for me.

- Cheers.

- Ah.

- Yep.

WALLACE:

So is Ben settling in okay?

Yeah, he's great. He's doing great.

He's having a great time.

Are you having a great time?

Not really. I'm having

kind of a crappy time, actually.

- Sorry.

- Yep, this, right now,

this is the high point

of my social calendar.

Aw. See, that is sad.

I know. I've been thinking

about just starting drinking.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Heavily.

- Heavily.

Do you need someone

to start drinking with you?

- Really?

- I'm very, very willing.

You want to help me

drown my sorrows?

Of course. Absolutely.

Done.

WALLACE:

Bottoms up!

[DANCE MUSIC

PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

- Unh!

- Oh, my God!

- Horrible!

- Horrible!

- As always!

- And cheap!

All right, prospective person

at this bar for you.

I don't think anyone I'd like

would come to a place like this.

You're here, Wallace.

- Yeah, because you dragged me here.

- So?

Look at this girl. She's so pretty.

Oh, uh, yeah.

- Yeah? No, she's super pretty!

- Yeah. Oh, okay.

You want me to go tell her

that you have six nipples?

- Yeah. No, you know what?

- All right.

No, you know what? I'll do it myself.

It'll be easier coming from me.

- Thank you.

MAN:
You're welcome.

- I'm sorry, hi. Um...

WOMAN:
Hi.

Oh, wow.

You've got amazing teeth.

Um, sorry, can I buy

this drink for you?

Um, yeah, that's so sweet.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Um, so...

Heh. Burn!

CHANTRY:
All right,

weirdest place you've ever had sex.

Um, bakery, night shift.

I will never be comfortable

eating a cupcake again.

[WOMAN MOANING]

- What about you?

- Um...

Ferris wheel.

Stuck at the very top.

We could see for miles around,

but no one could see us.

- Aah!

- Yes! Oh, yeah!

Thank you for being

so gracious in victory.

- Whoo! Uh-huh!

- Hand clasp of champions.

Rub it in.

[POP MUSIC

PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

So how many serious relationships

have you actually had?

Four! Two in high school,

and one in college before Ben,

and then Ben.

- You?

- Six?

One in high school,

one the summer after high school,

three in college, and one since.

No, sorry, two since. So seven.

Are you usually

the dumper or dumpee?

Um, statistically, I'm a dumper,

but it's not like I've never been dumped.

I've just been really good

at knowing when to get out.

- You?

- No, I've never dumped anyone.

I always try to make it work.

You know, I haven't hit the bar scene

in, like, a very long time.

I thought it was gonna be the worst,

but that was surprisingly painless.

I'm just sorry

you didn't find true love tonight.

Ah, well, you can't have it all.

And what's the worst thing

that's ever happened to you?

Um, the worst thing

that's ever happened to me

is kind of the best thing

that's ever happened to me.

Megan, you met the other day,

I burst in on her making out with our,

frankly, gross anatomy professor,

and I was like,

"Wow, we actually are my parents.

We are almost both doctors,

and we already started cheating

on each other."

So I got out of there, and yeah.

So, in a way, that became

the best thing

that ever happened to me.

So, what is the worst thing

that ever happened to you?

My mom died

when I was in junior high.

Um...

She had breast cancer.

You don't realize how quickly

everything can fall apart until it does.

Makes you never want to give up

anything good ever again.

Can I change my answer?

The worst thing

that happened to me

is saying

my lame relationship drama

is the worst thing

that happened to me,

when something really awful

happened to you.

It's okay.

I like your answer.

Plus, I get to be part of

the worst part of your life now.

That's really good.

And for future reference,

when the answer is

your mom died of cancer,

you should really go first.

All right.

Thanks for the etiquette lesson.

No worries.

Good night, Wallace.

Good night, Chantry.

CHANTRY:
You know,

he has all these new experiences,

he's meeting

all these new people.

And then,

What's going on with you?"

And it's like, "Well, I'm in the middle

of my same old life,

except, whoops,

my boyfriend's out of the country."

TABBY:

Ugh!

So Dolly was telling us

about this Wallace guy...?

We're friends.

Well, no, I know, obviously

you guys are friends, but is he cute?

Should you be introducing him

to your single,

desperate friends like me?

No, no, I already called dibs on him.

Why?

He was supposed to be my rebound.

That's why it didn't work with Noel.

I needed a buffer

between Rob and Noel.

A buffer made of sex.

GRETCHEN:

You little prostitute.

- Dalia, you barely know him.

DALIA:
Well, you know him.

You hang out with him all the time,

so he's not a loser.

He hasn't made some

creepy move on you,

so we know he's not a creep.

He's vetted.

TABBY:

Well, is he funny or smart?

He's definitely smart.

He's not funny.

He's, like, kind of, like, bantery.

He's kind of like a male version

of Chantry, actually.

- Oh, wait, so he's Mantry?

TABBY:
Oh, no.

DALIA:
Yes, he is. He's totally Mantry.

- No. No, We're not...

TABBY:
Dalia wants to have rebound

sex with her sister's man-twin.

ALLAN:

Option one, make a move on her.

Bold, direct.

If you're lucky, you hook up,

she feels guilty, breaks up with Ben.

If you're unlucky, she's furious,

ends your friendship.

- So be sleazy?

- Yeah.

WALLACE:
You think that'll work?

ALLAN:
No.

Even if she goes for it, she'll

resent you for getting her to cheat.

She'll break up with him, but she won't

go out with you because you're...

- Sleazy.

- Yeah.

Option two,

be the guy she goes to for advice.

The downside is you have to listen

to her talk about Ben.

The upside is you can slant your

advice to slowly turn her against him.

- So be conniving?

- Yeah.

- And that'll work?

- Maybe.

Maybe she'll see through it

and think you're...

- Conniving?

- Yeah.

Option three, patiently wait it out.

Either the distance

gets to them and they break up,

or it doesn't, and they get married,

live a happy life,

with you always on the outside,

looking in, quietly pining indefinitely.

- So be pathetic?

- Yeah.

That sounds fun.

It's got the advantage

of not being unethical,

but the disadvantage of being...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes