What If Page #6

- Pathetic.

- Yeah.

So your advice is be sleazy,

conniving or pathetic.

Well, when you put it that way,

it doesn't sound like very good advice.

[ALLAN SHUDDERS]

WALLACE:

Aw...

- Oh, my God.

- Do you like it?

Um, well,

it's not my engagement ring.

- It's whether she'll like it.

- I think she'll love it.

WALLACE:

Then you're made for each other.

Why'd you get all snaky when we

were talking about Wallace earlier?

I... Ugh.

Come on.

Look, you just, like...

You don't have the greatest

track record with guys. That's all.

You think I'm gonna break his heart

and mess up your friendship?

No.

So you think I'm not

good enough for him?

Obviously not.

That's obviously not what it is.

Some of us

aren't as lucky as you and Ben.

Some of us want a guy

that doesn't make us feel like crap.

There is a fourth option.

- Yeah?

- Be honest.

Tell her how you feel.

It might ruin the friendship,

but at least you

Stood up like a man

and expressed your feelings.

Wait, I'm sorry.

Since when does being a man

involve expressing your feelings?

Did I miss a memo?

Because if I recall,

being a man meant

hiding your feelings forever.

Like Bruce Willis. You never see

Bruce Willis expressing feelings.

The most you ever get out of Bruce

is a hint of melancholy

- at the edge of a smirk.

- Do you think Bruce

would be happy just being friends?

A hundred percent honesty

is the foundation of any relationship.

You are a hundred percent honest

with Nicole?

- Yes. Yep.

- About everything.

New Orleans, 2006?

What was her name?

Uh, Favia?

Yeah, she did look like a woman,

to be fair.

Ninety-nine percent honesty

is the foundation of any relationship.

You know, it's not worth the risk,

not if it means losing her as a friend.

- Well, so then it's option five.

- What's that?

You move on.

[CHATTERING]

Hello.

CHANTRY:
Oh, hi.

WALLACE:
Hey.

Hello, welcome.

Welcome to our engagement party.

We are so happy to have everybody

we care about together in one space.

Here's the thing, we both

really want to get married, but...

But we hate weddings. Every wedding

I've been to has completely sucked.

Sorry, uh, Aunt Cathy,

Uncle Drew and Olivia.

And we don't like long engagements,

so we are getting married

here, tonight.

[CHATTERING]

Zella is our registered civil officiant.

NICOLE:
Oh, and, uh, Mom,

I got your wedding dress altered.

I hope that's okay.

Becky's gonna be

Nicole's maid of honor.

- Wallace...

WALLACE:
Here!

...is gonna be my best man.

Thank you very much.

Everyone stay away

from my Uncle Herman. All right.

[APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Okay, I... Like, I don't need you

finger-combing my wisps. I'm serious.

- You look pretty.

WALLACE:
Nicole?

I've been sent to get an ETA.

- Oh, is that Wallace?

WALLACE:
Yes.

Just come in.

Oh, wow, you look amazing.

Yes. Becky, seriously,

if I don't get some alcohol,

I'm gonna panic.

WALLACE:
Hey, I'll go.

- No, no, no, you stay.

Becky's more nervous than I am, and

frankly, it's wigging me out. Now, go.

You, stay, talk to me.

[SIGHS]

- So...

- So?

- So.

- What?

Why are you torturing yourself

over a ten-second conversation with

Chantry that would answer everything?

It's your wedding day.

- Can we talk about you?

- Exactly. It's my wedding day.

As best man,

it's your job to keep me calm

so that I don't crawl out that window

and go and bang a sailor.

- Where are you gonna find a sailor?

- At the dock.

God, what's the best-case scenario?

"Wallace, I love you. Let's have sex

forever until we die having sex"?

That is the best-case scenario.

Okay, and what's

the worst-case scenario?

"Wallace, you sh*t-drizzling liar.

This whole time, you've just been

trying to put your junk inside my trunk."

Anything involving the phrase

put your junk inside my trunk"

actually would be

the worst-case scenario.

Look, the one thing

I like about getting married

is that you get to stand up

in front of everyone you care about

and state, for the record, that you

believe in the best-case scenario.

It terrifies me,

but that's why the outfits

are so nice.

[DOOR OPENS]

Okay.

[MENDELSSOHN'S "WEDDING

MARCH" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

- Thanks.

- Cheers.

[NICOLE WHOOPS]

[CROWD CHEERING]

ALLAN:

I got her! She's mine! My wife.

Yeah. Mommy!

WALLACE:

I can't believe no one stopped that.

Nice.

And I learned a lot of lessons that night

about gambling addictions

and identity theft

and the Romanian legal system,

but the most important lesson

I learned was from Nicole,

and it was about friendship.

I love you, Nicole.

Oh, so much fun.

WOMAN 1:
Yay!

WOMAN 2:
Yay.

Look at you.

You didn't even practice.

DALIA:

Whoo! Go, Wallace!

CHANTRY:
Go, Wallace!

WALLACE:
Uh, thank you, thank you.

To those of us who begrudgingly

call Allan a friend...

[MAN CHUCKLES]

...it seems impossible that any woman

could handle him for an hour,

let alone a lifetime.

And then you meet Nicole,

and that is the good news here.

Um, if these two can find each other,

then there truly

is somebody for everyone.

The bad news is that one day,

they will procreate,

and their hideous offspring

will obviously cause the Apocalypse.

But tonight,

we celebrate the good news.

I remember the night

Allan and Nicole met,

and that instant connection.

You know, if you're lucky,

it happens once in a lifetime,

and if you're unlucky,

then you have to come to weddings

and hear people like me

talking about it,

and assume that we are all

hopeless romantics.

Um...

It's very easy

to be cynical about love,

but this, tonight,

this is hard.

So to Allan and Nicole,

for making the hard way

look easy.

ALL:
Cheers!

WOMAN 3:
To Allan and Nicole.

WALLACE:

All right, thanks, everyone.

Um...

Yep. That's it.

[POP MUSIC

PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

[LAUGHING]

Perfect timing.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Are you sure?

It's so near here for me.

Oh, yeah, no, I'm all about

the door-to-door service.

- Heh.

- Okay.

- Let me out?

CHANTRY:
Sure.

WALLACE:

Unh. Oh, gosh. German cars.

Good night.

Wallace, you clean up nice.

Yes, so do you.

- Okay.

- Good night.

CHANTRY:

Bye!

- Bye.

- Bye.

Great. Thank you very much.

Listen,

I don't think it's a good idea for me

to come inside with you.

- What?

- Heh. Don't get all mad.

If you're gonna get mad,

I guess we could make out,

- but we are not having sex.

- Uh, no.

Um, I'm not sure that's a good idea.

Why? Because I won't

have sex with you? Pfft.

That's really nice, Wallace.

Uh, no, that's not what I meant.

[CHUCKLES]

I know, I'm just kidding.

Oh, right.

What part are you kidding about?

- All of it.

- I'm very confused by this conversation.

Fine, let's go inside.

[DALIA MOANING]

- Dude, my sister. Sweet score.

- Um, no, this isn't what it looks like.

Well, okay.

Yeah, it is, it is what it looks like.

She's super-hot. Plus, she's 99 percent

genetically identical to me, so...

Anyway, have fun

making out with my sister.

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