What If Page #7

Um, actually, just FYI,

if you do go through with this,

you can be pretty much

absolutely positive

I will never, ever, ever, ever

have sex with you ever.

Bam!

Ever!

Um, I'm sorry.

Dalia, I... Look, I think... I think

you're great, but, um, I can't do this.

Heh. Great?

You think I'm great? I don't...

I don't throw myself at guys,

like, ever.

I made an exception for you because

you were cute, and you think I'm great?

- Great?

- Um...

- Get the f*** out!

- Sorry.

- Um...

- God, get your...

- Get out faster!

- Okay, I'm going!

- Ow!

- I can't believe I got a Brazilian for this!

- Goodbye!

- Jesus!

[LINE RINGING]

BEN [OVER PHONE]: Hello?

- [WHISPERING] Ben. Hi.

- Hi. Are you okay?

- Hi.

It's the middle of the night there.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]

I'm really good.

- I'm really just a little bit drunk.

- Okay, but...

And I'm wearing

such a fancy, fancy dress.

- I see.

- Um, hang on a second.

- But...

- Hang on a second.

Listen very closely, okay?

- Okay.

- Really closely.

But...

- Do you hear that?

- Mm-hm, I can, but...

That's the sound of me unzipping

my very, very fancy dress

- Well, that's good news.

- that I happen to be wearing

really cute panties under.

- You are?

- And also, like, a bra

that totally, totally matches.

- Chantry...

- Can you picture me in them?

[WHISPERING]

Hey, can you picture me out of them?

I... I... I definitely can.

The thing is, I'm just in the, uh, middle

of the Brazilian presentation now.

That's not to say I, um,

don't fully support the concept.

It sounds very interesting.

And, um, I would love to continue

discussing it at a later time.

Okay, I'll confirm. Bye.

[PHONE BEEPS]

Sir. Please, carry on.

- It's good?

- Oh, yeah.

DALIA:
You never asked me what

happened with Wallace the other night.

CHANTRY:

I'm respecting your privacy.

He's a big, stupid, fat jerk.

I hate him.

Okay.

He propositioned me.

He said, like, dirty, disgusting

things he wanted to do to me.

Me, your little sister.

That's so terrible.

I know, and so I told him,

"I'm not that kind of girl,"

and he just, like, flew into a rage,

and he attacked me and tried to break

all my fingers and poke my eyeballs out.

So the cops had to come

and pull him off me.

- The cops came?

- Yeah.

And then he just shot them all

in the face, and they all died.

And some of them had kids

and they'll never know their father.

He didn't even care.

He was just, like, laughing

and shooting them all,

and he had a huge chubby.

And then he said he was gonna

come to your house and kill you

while you were sleeping.

Yeah, that sounds

exactly like Wallace.

Have you talked to him lately?

No.

So he didn't say anything about me

completely humiliating myself

in front of him?

No.

He's a big, stupid, ugly jerk,

and you shouldn't be friends

with him anymore.

Okay.

Look how pregnant

I can make myself look.

[CHANTRY LAUGHS]

You want to feel my baby?

It's so hard.

- Oh, my God, it kicked!

- Shut up. Heh-heh.

I'm gonna make you raise it.

[BOTH LAUGH]

HOLLY:

I'm firing Josh.

The Taiwan team hates him,

nobody listens to him.

On the plus side, I hear

he's banging enough Taiwanese girls

to qualify for

the douche-bag Olympics.

So there's a silver lining.

That's, um, unfortunate.

I need someone full-time in Taiwan

to clean up Josh's mess.

I want it to be you.

I mean, this whole thing

is your concept.

If we had had you as project manager

from the start,

- we'd have saved a lot of time.

- Honestly, I just...

I don't even know if I would enjoy

being the project manager, so...

You get an apartment, car,

language lessons.

- Yeah.

- Obviously a raise.

I need your answer

by the end of the month.

And to be clear, this is the last time

I offer you a promotion.

Okay. I got it.

Holly, um...

I'm gonna think about it,

I promise.

[SIGHS]

CHANTRY:
So I was reading

this thing about how, um,

when, uh, they were trying

to name Cool Whip,

they came up with 10,000 ideas.

Like, they brainstormed

10,000 ideas.

And none of them

were as good as Cool Whip?

No, Cool Whip was the best.

That's what they said.

And they said, "Just try to, like,

think of, like, ten of your own,"

just to see, like, um, how hard it is.

- Cool Puff.

- Puffy Whip.

- Creamy Dream.

- Zit Topping.

- Angel Puff.

- Angel Gas.

Bruce Springscream

and the E-Foam Band.

- Puffin' Lovin'.

- Dump That Puff on My Face.

Whip-Master Cool

and the Puff Brigade.

NICOLE:
Ha-ha-ha.

- Stuff Me with Puff.

Sir Puff-A-Lot's Whipped Foam.

NICOLE:

Non-Hodgkin's Cream-Foam-A.

- Shove This Sh*t on Food.

- Whip-Whippy-Whippy Pippitins.

[ALL LAUGH]

- So how many is that?

- I don't know.

- Yeah, it's not that hard.

- No.

- No.

- Let's go swimming!

[ALLAN GRUNTS]

- I didn't bring my suit, did you?

NICOLE:
No.

ALLAN:
We take our clothes off?

NICOLE:
Yeah.

[GRUNTS]

NICOLE:
You gonna come get me?

ALLAN:
Yeah!

Are you gonna come get me?

Aah! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

ALLAN:

Ow! You're hitting me!

NICOLE:
Ha-ha-ha!

ALLAN:
It's very warm.

- Ooh! It's cold! It's cold!

NICOLE:
Ha-ha!

ALLAN:

It's cold.

ALLAN [SINGING]:

It's cold!

NICOLE:

Allan!

Ow! Don't!

Do you want to go swimming?

Yeah.

Do you think it'll be cold?

Yep.

You've got a tattoo.

Yeah.

- Yeah, it's, um...

- it... I know, it's...

It's your mom, right?

- Oh, God!

- What?

Something just...

Something just touched my foot.

- Okay.

- No, it was really gross.

WALLACE:
Okay.

- It's not funny.

WALLACE:

That was funny.

Oh...

- Oh, wow.

- Oh, yeah. Wow.

[WALLACE CHUCKLES]

CHANTRY:

Wallace?

WALLACE:

Yes?

I'll look if you look.

Okay.

Where are our clothes?

WALLACE:
Did we drift further down?

- No, the fire's right there.

Yeah, they took our clothes.

CHANTRY:

Oh, God.

The car is gone.

God, how'd it get so cold?

it wasn't cold at all before.

It was, like, a warm night.

Okay, um, you keep the sleeping bag

and I will figure something out.

No, I can't let you just, like,

spend the night on the sand,

like, all cold and wet

and naked like a walrus.

[LAUGHS]

Do you think that's funny?

Do you think this is, like,

some hilarious prank

played on us by our wacky pals?

Because I don't.

I thought you were trying

to lighten the mood

with a mildly amusing joke

involving a walrus.

I'm sorry if I misunderstood the

seriousness of your walrus reference.

Don't be an a**hole.

- I'm not being an arsehole.

- You are. You are being an a**hole.

You're not taking this seriously, and you're

treating it like a joke, and it's not.

There is a line, a line that should not

be crossed, and they crossed it.

And you know what? Treating it

like a joke is being an a**hole.

I'm not treating this like a joke,

and I am not being an arsehole.

Allan is being an arsehole,

Nicole is being an arsehole,

and right now,

you are being an arsehole.

Me? I'm standing here with a branch.

A branch that cuts down zero percent

of the wind-chill factor on my dick.

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