What If Page #8

I've got a branch,

you've got a sleeping bag.

How does that make me an arsehole?

- Fine.

- Fine? What does "fine" mean?

Fine! It means we'll share.

WALLACE:

Ah.

- Chantry?

- What?

They brought our clothes back.

ALLAN:
I'll never doubt you again.

- Mm-hm.

NICOLE:

Hey, you guys have fun last night?

ALLAN:

Hey.

- Sleep well?

WALLACE:
You're an arsehole.

[PEOPLE LAUGHING]

[BOTH SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

CHANTRY:

Ben.

Chantry?

[JULIANNE SCREAMS

THEN CHANTRY GASPS]

BEN:
Julianne is part of

the Argentinean team.

She lives in the apartment

next door.

A bunch of us went for a drink after

work, and I was just helping her home.

Ben, I'm not accusing you

of anything.

JULIANNE:

You need not worry about his fidelity.

I'm not some beautiful

but morally corrupt Argentine girl.

Why didn't you tell me

you were coming?

Because I wanted

to surprise you.

Surprise.

Okay, I need to go

to my apartment now,

and stuff old socks in my ears

so I don't hear your lovemaking

through the wall.

And I'm keeping this meat.

BEN:
Good night.

Sorry, you... You startled me.

This isn't how I planned

to welcome you to Dublin.

Are you still startled?

Should I get you some warm milk?

Welcome to Dublin.

[CHATTERING]

So, um, I was reading this thing

about, uh,

how when they were trying to come up

with the name for Cool Whip,

- they brainstormed 10,000 ideas...

- What is Cool Whip?

It's a kind of processed cream.

Comes in a spray can.

- Ah!

- Or in a tub.

I've had the Cool Whip.

I prefer the fresh whipped cream.

Well, when they were trying to come

up with the name for that product,

uh, they brainstormed

10,000 ideas,

and they said try to come up with ten

of your own just to see how hard it is.

Like Puffy Whip,

or Whip... Wiffy Puff.

Puffy Air. Whippy Air.

Um, Cow Mixture?

- Sweet Dreams?

- Sweet Dreams.

Cotton Vul-candi-cow?

It could be one.

Cloudy Cow?

So you must be

really proud of our Benji.

- Yeah.

- He has the Brazilians on the run.

Heh-heh-heh. You know he has

the whole negotiation in his hands?

We're so happy that he's able

to stay another six months.

And his Portuguese

is really coming on.

He's going to be so good

by the time we get to Rio de Janeiro...

BEN:

I haven't accepted the offer yet.

Obviously, I was planning

on talking to you about it first,

but I mean, I love it here.

Not just the work.

The people, the culture, the music.

You never asked me

to move here with you.

When you got the job,

you never asked me to come.

I didn't want to ask you

to quit a job.

- And I mean, you never offered.

- You never asked.

Well, okay,

I'm asking you now.

I mean, there must be

animation companies here.

I couldn't do that to Holly.

She's been generous

giving me this week

to make my decision.

Okay, so take the job.

it doesn't have to be a bad thing.

You'd be in Taipei, I'd be here.

We can meet in the middle.

Like in Toronto?

No, like Tel Aviv,

Istanbul, Mumbai...

It'll be a story

we can tell our kids.

- It's romantic.

- Sounds lonely.

Look, I'm just trying

to make this work, okay?

Don't you wanna make this work?

Did you guys want to borrow

some of my balls?

I think someone sharted

and it might be Mrs. Cole.

Everyone, check.

Check. Sham check.

You can look it up

on Urban Dictionary.

Fail. You couldn't find that stone

if it was in your kidney.

I can see your back acne

through your blouse.

WALLACE:
Look at you just drunkenly

spewing out joy like a sh*t Santa.

- Yep.

WALLACE:
That's you now, yeah?

Nicole's spending the night

at Becky's.

We had a fight.

First fight as a married couple.

Ta-da! You want a beer?

Sure.

So, um...

I'm sorry, okay?

I let Nicole talk me into it,

even though I knew it was a bad idea.

I'm not like you.

I can't hook up with somebody

if they're already with someone else.

It's wrong. It was wrong

when my parents did it to each other,

it was wrong

when Megan did it to me.

It was wrong when you and Nicole

did it to her ex.

You don't think the fact

that we got married kind of justifies it?

Not unless you want to be married

to someone who doesn't mind cheating.

Hey, that's my wife, okay?

Nicole talks a good game, but she's

been hurt like everybody else.

Her ex was a dick.

He treated her real bad.

It's complicated.

All this love sh*t's complicated.

And that's good.

Because if it's too simple,

you've got no reason to try.

And if you got no reason to try,

you don't.

Oh. Oh... Wait, I just described you.

You know what? Maybe you're right.

But either way,

you're an arsehole, Allan.

Hit a three-pointer!

[SIGHS]

[KNOCKING]

- Hi.

- Hi.

Come in or whatever.

Uh...

I just jogged over here

to feed the cat.

If I don't shower right away

my pores get all clogged

and I get this, like, zit nest

on my forehead.

So, uh, why are you

feeding the cat?

So it doesn't starve to death.

- But why can't Chantry feed it?

- Because she flew to Dublin.

She flew to Dublin?

Yes, of course she did.

You like her.

[DALIA SCOFFS]

You like Chantry.

Get in the shower.

I can see your blackheads from here.

No, don't get all snooty with me

just because you're so busted.

Look,

I'm not in love with your sister.

You are a nice-ish guy,

and you're amusing,

but Chantry loves Ben.

They're gonna get married

and live happily ever after.

You're just gonna be this guy that she

was friends with for a couple months.

"What was his name...?

Walter? I don't know."

So you just need to do whatever

you need to do to get over it, okay?

Because it's never gonna happen.

WOMAN [OVER PA]:
Welcome to

Dublin and thank you for flying with us.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Okay.

She's gone.

Is she coming back?

[WALLACE GRUNTING]

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

CHANTRY [ON RECORDING]:

Hey, Wallace, it's Chantry.

I'm getting on a plane right now,

and I'm wondering

if you're free for lunch tomorrow

at, like, noon,

at the George Street Diner?

Uh, there's something

I want to talk to you about.

Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t!

Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t!

Taxi!

George Street Diner!

Sh*t!

Excuse me!

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[DOOR OPENS]

CHANTRY:
Hi.

- Hey.

Oh, my God,

what did you do to yourself?

Oh, um, ninja attack.

Oh! The stupid ninjas.

- I know.

- I hate them.

Me too. Very annoying.

Oh, thank you.

I'm good.

- How you doing? Heh.

- Hi.

So I went to Dublin, right?

- Right. Yes.

- Yes. Listen...

There's a bunch of stuff

going on with me

that I haven't told you about

because...

...I haven't been sure

what the right thing to do is.

Wallace, your face

just looks terrible.

Oh, no, don't worry about it, really.

Um, what were you gonna say?

Okay, so... Just that...

I've been having to do

a lot of big-picture thinking about...

Wallace, seriously, I cannot concentrate

because of your mangled head.

What did you do to yourself?

Did you hit yourself with something?

Car accident?

Did you walk into a door...?

Ben punched me.

I flew to Dublin.

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