What If Page #9

Why did you fly to Dublin?

To tell you how I feel about you.

- That's not why.

- Well, I wanted to be honest with you.

You could have been

honest with me any time.

You flew to Dublin

to break up me and Ben.

Right?

Uh...

How long have you felt this way?

Pretty much since the clay we met.

So...

...when I said "I have a boyfriend

and I just want to be friends"

and you said that's what

you wanted too, that was a lie?

- No. No. I wanted that to be true.

- But it wasn't.

- You never wanted to be my friend.

- We are friends.

I haven't just been trying to

put my junk inside your trunk.

I told Ben you weren't that kind of guy,

but you're totally that kind of guy.

God, he must think I'm such an idiot.

You must think I'm such an idiot.

- Of course not.

- I trusted you.

I trusted we were

what we said we were: friends.

But you can't be friends

if you're skulking around

waiting for some opportunity

to screw them.

No! Look...

What are you talking about?

I'm not...

It's not like you've caught me

bathing in orphan blood

or masturbating in your kitchen.

I just...

I like you a little bit more romantically

than I let on.

It's not a crime.

And if it is,

you're not exactly innocent.

What's that supposed to mean?

You crossed all the same lines I did,

and I was single. You weren't.

I've never cheated on anybody.

And now you're making me feel like

I somehow cheated on Ben?

Wait. Hold on.

I'm making you feel like that?

What, and you did nothing

that I might possibly misconstrue?

That night on the beach?

"I'll look if you look"?

I mean...

What, did you tell Ben about that?

That was a mistake.

This was a mistake.

- I'm leaving.

- Please...

- No, Chantry, please...

- No, I'm leaving the country.

- You're moving to Dublin?

- No.

I've been offered a job in Taiwan.

I'm putting my career first.

So I'll be gone soon,

for a year.

Maybe more.

It's a really big promotion.

Congratulations.

See you around, Wallace.

- Uncle Wallace?

- Not right now, Felix.

FELIX:
Can I talk to you?

- Felix, I said not right now!

I'm having a bad life.

What are you doing

that's so important

that you don't have time

for your nephew?

I'm not the kid's dad, all right?

- He's your responsibility, not mine.

- Fine.

I'm a bad mom.

And when Felix grows up,

he can blame me

for all his problems

and the circle of life can continue.

I'm doing the best I can.

Which is all any of us can do,

except you.

You are not doing

the best you can do! You...

[GASPS]

What's wrong? What's wrong?

Are you choking?

Okay, I'm gonna try and Heimlich you.

Unh. Okay. Again.

[ELLIE GASPS]

- Big one!

- Unh!

WALLACE:

Oh, God.

[ELLIE PANTING]

Ellie, you know

you're not a bad morn, right?

It wasn't my plan that you should be

my son's primary male role model.

But you are.

DALIA:

Mm... Mine.

Gross.

This expired months ago.

Yeah, it's probably Ben's.

So that's it?

You're just gonna throw it away?

Let me guess,

we're not talking about salsa.

I just think you're making

a huge mistake.

- You really think Taiwan's a mistake?

- Yes, I do.

I think you're totally

screwing up your life, actually.

[DALIA SIGHS]

Or not, maybe?

I just don't have any idea

what I'm doing.

I'm gonna be all the way over there,

and I'm not gonna have anybody.

I'm gonna be all alone, and I'm gonna

have all these responsibilities,

and then...

And you're gonna be so far away.

And Ben and...

And there's, you know...

Wallace?

Yeah.

Yeah. Have you heard from him?

No, but I think

I messed it up really bad.

I called him a liar.

And I think that I might be the liar.

- No.

- Yes.

I mean, I think it might count as lying

if you lie to yourself.

No. Come here.

WALLACE:
Everything might have

turned out for the best.

I'm, um...

I'm going back to med school.

- I sent in my application today.

- Oh. So you just gave up?

Mm? No.

I'm not giving up. I'm going...

I'm getting back to the life

I was supposed to have by now.

When you're old and wrinkled

and your penis doesn't work anymore...

Not that it's in great shape now.

But in that old, wrinkled, dickless future,

will this seem like the right call?

Yes. I'll think dropping out of med

school because of a girl was stupid.

Not chasing after a girl who doesn't

want me was definitely smart.

I'm a doctor now.

I've saved probably millions of lives,

because I'm brilliant.

I cured the zombie epidemic.

You remember that?

I found the cure,

so you can all be grateful,

shut up and stop

questioning my decisions.

ALLAN:
Eh-eh. Eh...

WALLACE:
What?

Well, it was supposed

to be a secret,

but loose lips over here

knocked me up.

- Oh, sh*t!

ALLAN:
Ha-ha.

You got a baby in you!

NICOLE:
Yeah, I know. I know.

- Congratulations!

Oh, that means the Apocalypse

has really started.

- That's great!

NICOLE:
Yay!

And you're the first person we told,

so you can't be mad at us anymore.

You have to forgive pregnant people

for anything they've ever done to you.

- It's like a federal law.

- Deal.

Wow.

I can't wait to meet this kid.

NICOLE:

Yeah. And...

...we're having a going-away party

for Chantry,

and you should come to it

to say goodbye.

No.

No, we already said our goodbyes.

[CHATTERING]

- Wallace?

- No.

- It's nice.

- So slutty.

- No, it's not.

- Yeah, it is.

No, I think mine are normal

and yours are tiny.

[ALL LAUGH]

GRETCHEN:

I don't want you to leave.

- No.

- Me neither.

I'm sorry I'm late.

CHANTRY:

Bye. Skype me.

Be careful.

Take care of yourselves.

- I'm never gonna Skype.

- Call me tomorrow.

DALIA:

Bye.

CHANTRY:
Hey.

- Hey.

- How are you?

- I'm great. How are you?

WALLACE:
Good.

- Good.

Um, so your new job

is going to be amazing.

Um, and you get to live in Asia.

- Yeah.

- I hear Taiwan is incredible.

Yeah, and you're gonna

go back to med school.

Yeah. Yes.

That is so great.

You think so?

No. Actually, I've always hated doctors,

so I pretty much think

you've become the Antichrist.

Right. And Taiwan is sh*t.

That was... Everything I said

a second ago was a lie.

And you're gonna have

an awful time because

- Chantry means "syphilitic woman."

- Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Well, at least it will be accurate.

- Yeah, right. Exactly.

- Yeah...

So how long until you see,

um, people just as, like,

slabs of meat that you can cut up

and sew back together,

and not, like, actual people

with, like, real feelings?

Oh, God,

hopefully as soon as possible.

I mean, I've been practicing at night

on tiny, defenseless animals

and homeless people.

Oh, good. That's actually what

homeless people are there for.

- Yes, I know.

- Yeah.

- They're all just bodies in waiting.

- Especially for a sociopath.

Especially for... Yeah, that...

But that's been my goal,

as you know:

just to feel nothing.

Yeah, it wouldn't be

such a bad idea sometimes.

- So Dublin...

- It's okay.

No, it's not. I'm really sorry.

It was stupid, and I know Ben is

a good guy and he didn't deserve that.

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