What If Page #10

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

So are you two okay?

I'm not sure.

About anything.

So I got really creative

when I was cleaning out my fridge.

- Did you?

- And, um...

I, uh...

I made you that.

It's, um... It's Fool's Gold.

I even coated the loaf in butter

as you are supposed to.

That's the real thing.

I can't believe you did this.

This is your going-away present.

[PAPER TEARING]

I don't know what to say.

So I've thought a lot

about something you said.

About how,

when you realize how quickly

everything can fall apart,

it makes you never want to give up

anything good ever again.

Whatever this is between us,

it is good.

It is so good.

It is actually the best thing

that has ever happened to me,

and I don't want it to be over.

I don't want it to be over, either.

I kind of wish, you know, like,

we could invent

a time machine or something.

- If we ever invent time travel...

- Yeah?

...I would go back

to the night we met.

- You would?

- Yes.

What would you do differently?

Nothing.

Me too.

[PLANE ENGINE ROARING]

Hey, Walter.

- Wallace.

- Oh, sorry.

It's just so weird seeing you here.

Yeah, really weird.

- Where have you just come in from?

- Taiwan.

You've been in Taiwan

this whole time?

Yeah, I was, and then I was doing

some traveling with my, um, fianc.

You got engaged?

Uh, yeah.

- Wow. Yeah, no, me too.

- Oh!

I don't know why I did that.

I have nothing on this hand.

So who is the incredibly lucky guy?

He's just this dude who stalked me

all the way to Taiwan.

That's a coincidence. I followed

my fiancee to Taiwan as well,

but I made out with her sister first.

I'm a bad-arse.

Come here.

[HORN HONKS]

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

CHANTRY:
Aah!

DALIA:

I'm so happy you're home!

[CRYING]

She loved it.

WALLACE:

Mm.

Three!

[ALL SCREAMING]

Oh, please,

he's not even a real doctor.

He's a real doctor.

He finished his degree.

- Allan, in Asia. We're not Asian.

ALLAN:
It's legitimate medical training.

- Wine, please.

NICOLE:
Here, ask him.

After you have a baby,

if you eat the placenta,

does it count as cannibalism?

You know that's not

a medical question, right?

If a baby's hand is bigger

than its face, will it have cancer?

No, it just means your baby

has massive hands.

[BABY FARTING]

- Oh. What's going on here? Hoo-hoo.

- Oh, Jesus.

Oh, it smells bad. Wait, can you write

us a prescription or not? Oh, God.

There goes my husband.

I can't believe you have a husband.

- It's crazy.

- You're weirding me out.

WALLACE:
Hey. Oh.

CHANTRY:
So...

WALLACE:

Careful. Give me your hand.

- You're up here alone, like a total loser.

- Yeah, but who's the bigger loser?

Me for escaping up here,

or you for agreeing to marry me?

- No, that's me.

- Heh-heh.

If I fell, do you think I'd die,

or just become massively paralyzed?

Probably just paralyzed.

CHANTRY:
You'd be so screwed.

You'd have to stay married to me.

If you didn't, people would be like,

"He divorced his wife after she became

paralyzed from the waist down."

- From the waist down?

- Yeah.

So everything would still work

down there, though, right?

Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't be able

to feel anything, but...

I really don't even need you

to feel anything now.

I don't want the sex

to be too good

- right away.

- Mm-hm.

I'm intentionally being much worse

in bed than I actually am

so that it can just

keep getting better forever.

But, like, very slowly,

over many, many decades

so that we hit our sexual peak

in our 90s.

Yeah. That's the plan, actually,

is if the last time we have sex is also

the best and that it actually kills you.

That wouldn't be

such a bad way to go.

- We should head back soon, right?

- Yes.

Or we could stay here

for another minute.

Or maybe like forever.

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