What Love Is Page #3

That's horrible.

Frightening.

It's almost enough

to make you wanna turn gay.

Oh, my god, I'm so excited,

I'm harder than Chinese math.

Someone get me a red bull.

Wayne!

Hey, dawg.

You got my message.

Didn't tell me she was coming.

Where you been?

I've been calling you all week.

In Hawaii,

planning a wedding.

They're legalizing gay marriages

down there now.

They're so smart.

It's gonna boom their economy.

Just what the world needs,

Samoan fags.

Wow, a wedding. Who's

getting married? Anyone we know?

Yeah, silly. Me.

Get out of here.

What are you talking about?

I'm serious. His name's Kwame...

And he's from

the Virgin Islands.

Let me tell you, sweetheart,

after this weekend,

that boy is definitely not

a virgin, mm-Kay? Heh-heh.

Anyway, he's on his way

over here right now

because I wanted you all

to meet him.

Are you out of your mind?

You are so f***ed up.

Oh, so you're getting married.

That's terrific.

I don't know what to say.

Say you'll come to Hawaii

and be my best man.

Are you serious?

Yes, I'm serious.

Who else would I choose?

Bring Sara down with you...

And the four of us

will have a blast.

What? What did I say?

You said plenty, a**hole.

Our boy got dumped tonight.

What? Why?

She said

she needed her space.

And that ho didn't think

she had enough between her legs?

Wayne.

I'm sorry,

but nobody breaks Tommy's heart

and gets away with it.

I never liked her, anyway.

She's an actress.

"Oh, hi, Sara,

how are you?"

"Oh, me, me, me, me, me,

me, me, me, me, me, me, me. "

I swear to god, I'd ask her

how she was doing,

and she'd tell me how she once

got a callback for Matlock.

That's a woman who thinks

her entire self-worth

is determined by her rsum.

You can't be dealing with that.

You need someone

that thinks about you,

somebody that'll take

care of you.

Someone who's nurturing.

Yeah, man,

nurturing b*tches.

I love me nurturing b*tches.

They are the best.

Don't get me wrong,

they gotta be good-looking.

I can't be dealing with

no ugly-ass nurturing b*tches.

Know what I'm saying?

I'm telling you...

This is god's way

of trying to tell you

you're supposed

to date men.

Oh, sure,

that's what I need.

A nice hairy ass.

That'll solve everything.

Don't start with that

f*ggot sh*t tonight, Wayne.

I don't wanna hear it.

It was a joke. I was kidding.

Bullshit.

You do it all the time.

It's all part of the subliminal

mind meld, f*ggot sh*t

you fags pull all the time.

Only I can see the sh*t coming

all the way from Cleveland.

Sal.

Don't think I'm not on to you.

You throw something here,

say something there.

You drop a line about this

and an innuendo about that.

You fuckos plant the seed,

and next thing,

everyone's sucking dick.

Come on, Sal.

Oh, come on, my ass.

Oh, I'd love to,

but I'm engaged.

You see what I mean?

You fags are like

Jehovah witnesses

or vampires or something.

As soon as one of you

thinks you're gay,

you want everyone else

in the world to be gay, too.

Think they're gay? Uh, no.

First of all, I don't think

I'm gay, Sal, I am gay.

And secondly, I don't want you

to convert, okay?

I wouldn't wish that

on any man.

I was simply trying to get tom's

mind off the subject of women.

You guys are so pathetic,

I'll bet you before I got here,

that's all you were

talking about.

Of course it was.

Look at yourselves.

You guys are worse

than a bunch of girls.

Every other straight man

I know

spends their time

talking about sports or cars

or their careers,

where they want to travel to,

the last fight they got into.

Something. Even if it's mundane

and prehistoric,

it's something other than women.

Have you ever overheard

a conversation between women?

What is it always about?

Men. That's it.

That's all they ever talk about.

And you guys

are worse than them.

I'm actually

starting to wonder

if there's a set of balls

between you three.

All right, I can only handle

being chastised by a fag

for so long.

At least as long as my father's

on this earth.

Oh, well, that's really clever.

Hey, why don't you just go

gay bashing

with some

of your hoodlum friends

and save us the subtlety

of your innuendo.

If I do, I'm gonna start with

you, you big f***ing queen.

I mean, who in the hell

are you, anyways,

you confused, f***ed up,

backwards cocksucker?

You think you know who you are

'cause you can express yourself?

'Cause you're out of the closet

and you can be the real you?

Come on, Sal.

No, f*** that, Tommy.

I know I'm not supposed

to say anything here,

'cause as a white,

heterosexual male,

by definition, I'm wrong about

everything from jump street.

I know that. I know I can't win.

But you see this kid here?

This kid used to be

one of my best friends.

And all of a sudden,

he turns swish on me? Okay?

Now he tells me

he's gonna marry a f***ing man.

And I gotta sit here

and pretend like I dig that?

I don't even know how

to f***ing deal with that, okay?

And maybe I've had a little

too much to drink tonight,

and maybe I'll apologize

to Wayne-o in the morning,

but for right now, I'm gonna

rip him a new f***ing a**hole.

Ooh, that sounds fun.

Verbally, you pervert.

Let me explain something

to you, all right?

You are not gay, okay?

You understand?

You were born a man. And unless

you're a hermaphrodite,

mother nature does not f*** up.

Being gay's not physical.

It's a mental thing,

it's a psychological situation.

You were probably molested

as a little kid.

You got f***ed up and insecure

about your sexuality

when you hit puberty,

and you thought to yourself,

"my gosh, I must be gay. "

Well, you're not.

You were born a little boy.

You didn't speak

with that lisp,

that f***ing...

pfft... thing, either.

You're putting that on like an

accent. That is an affectation.

When you were a kid, you didn't

act all fruity like you do now.

Don't forget, Wayne-o.

Motherf***er...

I've known you

since elementary school.

It is a proven fact

that some people are born gay.

It's not psychological,

it's physical.

A certain portion of the brain...

which portion?

I don't know,

the thalamus or something.

The thalamus or something?

The hypothalamus.

The hypothalamus?

I don't know!

Just some certain stem thing

in the brain

grows different in the brain

of gay men. It's a proven fact.

Says who?

Says doctors.

Which doctors?

Medical doctors.

You're still being vague.

No, I'm not.

Medical doctors have proven...

do you know their names?

What?

You heard me, motherf***er.

Don't stall for time.

Do you know their names or

did you hear it's a proven fact?

I heard about it, okay?

But everybody knows...

ah, ah! You heard about it,

but everybody knows.

I see. Very interesting. Hmm.

You heard about it,

but everybody knows

it's a proven fact.

That sounds like

a rumor to me.

See, I happen to know

the name of the doctor

that said he proved that theory.

I know the names of doctors

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote