What Love Is Page #4

that corroborated the story.

Can I tell you something?

Can I hip you to a bit...

Of potentially

earth-shattering information?

They're all gay.

All of 'em.

Dr. lipshits, dipshits

and motherfucking mipshits

are all f*ggot motherfuckers

who unethically used

their status as doctors

to further their own

anally suggestive ends.

He's actually right.

They did a, ahem, whole expos

on those three doctors.

I read the article about it

in the times.

Can you believe that sh*t?

Motherfuckers telling people

they got some weird stem sh*t

growing in their brain

so they start sucking dick.

I mean, I don't care

if a motherf***er told me

I had a tree growing in my head.

Ain't no way this motherf***er's

ever gonna start sucking dick.

You imagine that conversation?

"Uh, excuse me, Mr. Johnson?

"We have some bad news

and some good news. Ah.

"The bad news is we found

some weird growth

"in your cerebral cortex.

"The good news is,

you can start

sucking dick immediately. "

All right, that's enough.

F*** that, Tommy.

That's enough. Guys, come on.

We're supposed to be happy

for Wayne tonight.

He's getting married.

And it's a big deal.

I don't care

if he's marrying a goat,

we're supposed to be

supportive.

You had me until the goat.

It's a metaphor, Ken.

Yeah, but with Wayne,

you never know.

Look, we get enough sh*t

from the rest of the world

out there.

Last thing we need

is getting dumped on

by people who are supposed to

be getting our backs.

Do you want this one?

Getting dumped on?

Someone's back?

I don't think so.

He's happy, all right?

Look, Wayne is...

smile for me. He's happy!

That's a lot more

than I can say

for the rest of the world

out there.

It's definitely more than

I can say for you and I, Sal.

Of course, he's happy,

tom. He's gay.

I'm done.

He doesn't have to deal with

chick drama all the time.

Do you know how happy

I would be

if I didn't have to deal with

chick drama all the time?

Do you know how happy I'd be

if I had someone

I could shoot hoops with,

watch a game with,

go drinking with,

play poker with, and would

blow me six times a day?

Are you kidding me?

I wish I could be gay.

I would be the biggest

and the best fag of them all.

I'd be king of the fags.

I just can't seem to get in

that good of shape.

I got no problem...

With the whole being-gay

aspect of it, Wayne.

All right?

I really don't.

You want to ass-f*** a man,

that is your own business.

I got no problem with that.

I like ass f***ing

as much as the next guy.

I don't think you need to parade

it down the middle of the street

and tell everybody

you're into that.

Hey, if it's your thing,

you want to be left alone

to do your thing,

then shut the f*** up

and keep it your thing.

I'm not talking about hiding

in the back of the closet.

Just don't shove it

in my face.

Are you done?

Probably not, but I'm tired

of talking, so go ahead.

You know what? You're right.

My gregariousness does make me

a target. I know that.

But whether you think

you're right or wrong

about all your psychoanalytical

bullshit about me,

I did not come here tonight

to be beat up

or put under a microscope.

I came here tonight

to share my joy with you,

not to be berated by the people

who are supposedly my friends.

I mean, I knew you were gonna

be here tonight, Sal,

and I knew you were gonna

bust my balls about this,

but I really thought that,

underneath it all,

you'd be happy for me.

I never thought

you'd be so vicious.

If I'd known that,

I never would have come.

I wouldn't have invited the man

I'm going to marry

over to a place

where he would be ridiculed.

I mean, I might be into

some kinky sh*t,

but I am not a masochist,

and I'm certainly not stupid.

Good night, everyone.

Come on. Go.

Go.

Wayne.

What?

All right, all right already.

Don't go.

"Don't go"?

Well, that's a joke.

Give me one good reason why not.

All right, all right.

I don't know how to say this,

okay, so I'm just gonna say it.

Uh...

My girl dumped me today.

I'm sorry I lied to you,

Tommy.

I came here acting like a stud,

like I gave her the Heisman,

but truth of the matter is,

she f***ing dumped me.

I saw her out tonight with some

gq f***ing jawbone guy,

and he was

way better-looking than me,

and it hurt a little bit.

You know, maybe more than

just a little bit.

Pulled some Bogart move

on the motherf***er.

I made him look like a b*tch

in front of everyone,

but the truth of the matter is,

she still went home with him.

So...

Now I'm drunk

and I'm pissed, and...

I come in here,

and I take it out on you guys.

The truth of the matter is,

I'm just jealous.

Not that I wanna be

a fag or nothing,

but you're always up,

always doing good,

and you don't f***ing need me

being an a**hole to ya.

So, uh, don't go.

And, uh...

I wanna meet your, uh...

Friend.

...friend.

Oh, Sal.

Jesus Christ.

Just get it over with.

Oh...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, my god, Sal's gay.

God!

You see what happens

when you try to be nice?

Your friends think you're a fag.

So much for f***ing Karma.

Now don't say that.

I was kidding.

I was watching through

the window. You were very sweet.

Don't even start.

I'm serious, Sal.

I've never seen

that side of you before.

You were amazing. I mean,

you were kind and vulnerable.

Not only did you

physically embrace Wayne,

but you were open

emotionally as well.

I think that's... that's

a tremendous step for you.

I'm gonna put a tremendous step

upside your head

you don't shut up

with the treehugger bullshit.

He's a treehugger, Sal.

That's his thing.

I know, but it's f***ing lame,

with the tie-dyes and the vibes

and the Birkenstocks.

Always trying to get me...

To change and grow

and take it to the next level.

Does that sh*t ever work?

What do you mean?

With chicks. Ever get any chicks

with a lame-ass angle like that?

'Cause I got a dozen chicks

coming through that door

in, like, two seconds.

And if you f***ing cock-block

and pull out a Ouija board,

I'm telling you right now,

I'm gonna f***ing shoot you.

It's not an angle.

I know it's not.

It's a non-angle.

As it should be. I mean,

it's not about getting over.

It's about being real,

about communication.

How come I never see you

having any real communication

with any real chicks,

like, ever?

Maybe that's 'cause I don't

look at women the way you do.

I think women are beautiful.

I think they're amazing.

They're the most magical

of all of god's creations.

I am enamored with them.

And, frankly, I don't know how

to pretend like I'm not.

What the f***

are you talking about?

I'm talking about

the 11th-man theory.

Come on, everybody knows

the 11th-man theory.

No, stupid. Nobody knows

the 11th-man theory but you.

No, I know a little something

about the 11-man theory.

Ha-ha-ha. Shut up. What...

what are you talking about?

Say there's a woman

in a room with 10 men,

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