What Love Is Page #5

and all 10 men are telling her

how beautiful she is

and how amazing she is.

They're lighting her cigarette,

buying her drinks

and just treating her

like gold.

Then, all of a sudden,

in walks the 11th man.

He takes one look at her

and says, "how you doing?"

Turns his back on her

and starts talking to his boys.

That's the guy she wants

to be with, the 11th man,

not any of the 10 men

who were treating her well,

but the one guy

who couldn't care less.

And why? Because, for some

reason, women don't want nice.

They don't want real. They

don't wanna be treated well.

I mean, not at first,

and sometimes not ever,

and I think that's crazy,

and I refuse to play that game.

I mean, you?

You are a master at it, Sal,

but it's just not me,

it's not who I am.

I don't want to play

that game,

get a girl by pretending

that I don't like her.

I wanna be with a woman

who's real,

who-who digs it

when I'm nice to her,

who doesn't see that

as weakness,

or take me for granted

when I tell her

that I think she's more amazing

than anything else

in the entire world,

but unfortunately,

most women aren't like that.

They say they are, and

deep down inside they wanna be,

but they're not.

You know what? He's right.

I never could understand that.

When I was a kid, every girl

I liked had a boyfriend.

And I'd have to

hear about it all the time.

How he'd, you know,

f*** their best friends,

cheat on 'em, spend their money,

wreck their car...

A-and, of course, they'd come

crying on my shoulder

'cause I was a good "friend. "

And I'd ask 'em why,

"why don't you just dump the guy

that's treating you like sh*t

and be with me?"

I mean, I was right there.

I'd lay the world at their feet

if they'd let me,

but they'd always say

the same thing...

"I can't because I love him.

I just love him. "

Yeah.

How would you know?

Believe me, being gay

doesn't exclude you

from the neurosis

of relationships.

I wish it did.

But it's the same all over.

Everybody's playing the "I like

you, but you don't like me,

then when you do like me,

I don't like you" game.

It's insane.

Insanity.

Well, I hate to admit it,

but I think I actually have

to agree with him.

When I was a little kid,

I used to bring girls flowers.

I'd write 'em poems and sh*t,

f***ing songs.

I even gave that one girl...

remember Molly Gere...

I gave her that locket necklace

for Valentine's day.

Sal, you wrote songs?

Shut up. My point is this...

you remember what she did to me?

She kicked me in the shin,

threw the locket on the ground

and ran around telling the whole

school I had f***ing cooties.

I remember that. You went home

in tears that day.

Those weren't tears, tom.

She threw sand in my eyes, too.

We were

in the first grade.

No, no, no, my point is this...

it was like that for years...

Until, ahem, I discovered

the pattern to "Pac-man. "

You got chicks because you

could play "Pac-man"?

No, stupid, I'm making

an analogy here.

Chicks got a pattern.

See? Like "Pac-man. "

You remember "Pac-man," right?

"Pac-man," motherf***er,

had a pattern.

You played the pattern right,

you could never lose.

George is right. For chicks,

it's the 11th-man theory.

As soon as you figure out

how to be the 11th man,

you got no problem

banging any chick you want.

Only problem you do have

is now you have to deal

with some manipulative

little freak

you're stuck with

'cause you hooked her.

Which is why, gentlemen,

I resigned myself

a long time ago

to being a rich motherf***er.

That way, I can afford

to have some young, hot,

gold-digging arm piece,

works out six,

eight hours a day

just to take care

of my physical needs.

Mm.

Well, that's limiting.

What about intellectually,

emotionally?

What about emotionally

or intellectually?

Now, most women think monogamy

is a type of wood.

They don't know how to be it.

They certainly don't know

how to spell it.

And they say men cheat?

Who the f*** do you think

we're cheating with?

Certainly not you, Wayne.

You think I'm getting...

Emotionally connected to a woman

like that? I don't think so.

And if I want

intellectual stimulation,

motherf***er, I'll read a book.

You're gonna go

the rest of your life

just willing to settle

for having to compartmentalize?

I don't even f***ing understand

what you said,

but, yeah, sure, I'll do that.

No, I'm serious.

At this point in my life,

my idea of synergy

is getting a blowj*b

from Pamela Anderson

while reading, uh, Doskeyevsky.

I'm telling you, George,

you gotta stop putting chicks

on a pedestal.

They'll just sh*t on you

from up there.

Tom, too. Christ, me, too.

Hey, George, hey, if you

want real, that's great.

Go deal with them

Portland b*tches

with the braided armpit hair

and 3-pounds-a-day

granola-eating habit,

sporting that f***ing bendy.

Hey, George!

Hey, I'm talking to you.

Hey. Hello? Is that real?

Seriously, if I...

I have a question.

If I listen to Deepak Chopra

and I read

that Celestine prophecy

and I "no-hom-ro-yoren-kyo"

my f***ing ass off all day

while I reek of Bo

and sandalwood

and I got 10 different kinds

of incense

coming out my f***ing butthole,

does that make me real?

Hey, motherf***er.

Am I a real motherf***er?

I'll tell you right now.

Motherf***er,

I may bullshit women,

but I never bullshit myself.

Lesson over.

Let me tell you, that is

the biggest crock of sh*t

I've ever heard

in my entire life, seriously.

How the f*** would you...

no, no, no.

No, please.

Mr. tough guy.

Got the whole f***ing wide world

sewn up in a tight little box

and you ain't even 40.

Well, I love you, but you ain't

doing nothing but bullshitting.

What are you talking about?

Sal, you're the biggest romantic

I know. More than any of us.

Who do you think you're fooling?

Come on,

we've all known you

since elementary school, too.

Big, tough buddy boy

running around playing gangster,

but you didn't

start out like that.

You wear your heart

on your sleeve.

It's the biggest heart

in the world.

Tough as you wanna be,

you still can't figure out

how to keep people

from taking their shots at it.

You talk about indoctrination,

look at yourself.

I didn't say sh*t

about indoctri...

sure, you did. When you

tried to sell Wayne

on that line of crap

about how

he's not really

a homosexual

'cause he didn't come out

of the womb like that.

What about you?

Think you came out

of your mother

with all that attitude

and sh*t that makes you you?

You didn't start out that way.

You gave a girl

a locket necklace, man,

and wrote her a f***ing song.

You wanna talk about that?

Or you guys wanna talk about

the 11th man theory,

game-playing, the vicious circle

and sh*t about how

you're never gonna get hurt

like you did when you were 16?

Well, I think

you can't help it.

I think you do have feelings,

in spite of yourself sometimes.

I think that is

what you wrestle with.

I mean, look at yourself,

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