What Love Is Page #6

my man.

You were affected tonight

by a woman

with a glass f***ing eye

who thought

the word "prima Donna"

meant "before Madonna. "

Come on,

you're better than that.

You could have been

with any girl.

But instead, you thought

you'd go safe

and hook up with a girl

so far beneath your standards

that she'd never have

to hurt you.

You wanna know what?

She still hurt you.

So, what's the point?

Why not just hold out

for the one that spins your top

and make it great with her?

How? If they're all

so f***ed up, you tell me how.

You gotta teach 'em.

You gotta teach 'em, man.

But that takes being

a responsible member

of the planet, Sal.

And I don't mean

you gotta be a treehugger...

no offense, Georgie.

...But everybody's so out

for the f***ing "me" these days.

It's not the x generation

or the y generation.

It's the brand-new

me generation.

Everybody's so busy doing

their f***ing dance

in the end zone,

they forget to notice

the bigger picture...

the scoreboard that reads that

we're down by nine touchdowns.

If you meet a girl who doesn't

know how to be monogamous

or how to even spell the word,

you can either say,

"oh, this girl's

so f***ing stupid, "

and you can dump her

or you can say,

"baby, come here.

Check this out.

M-o-n-o-g-a-m-y. "

And you can show her

how to be monogamous

by being monogamous yourself.

You want good people, man,

make 'em good.

Anybody can be an a**hole.

It takes strength to be a man.

Is that what you taught Karen?

Are you kidding me?

That's what she taught me.

You remember how I was

before I met her.

Heh-heh. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, so do I.

It seems to me that we saw

a lot more of you back then,

but I understand,

you're p*ssy-whipped.

No, I'm not p*ssy-whipped, man.

She's just my best friend,

that's all.

I'd rather hang out with her

than anybody, even you.

Then what are you doing

down here,

sneaking off as soon

as she falls asleep,

when you know damn well

she's gonna wake up

and drag your ass back upstairs

faster than you can say

"codependent"?

Yeah, but what you don't

understand is when that happens,

she's gonna be taking me

where I wanna be.

Man.

You're living

in a f***ing fantasyland.

I mean, I can't believe

I'm hearing this.

Since when did this

start happening to you?

I mean, look at you.

Karen is a ballbuster, man.

She's a f***ing ballbuster.

She is such a ballbuster,

she's got you f***ed up

and delusional and sh*t.

Kenny, you're a man.

How can you live like that?

It's not a delusion, Sal.

It's just you and I see things

differently, that's all.

You see it as ballbusting,

I see it as passionate.

Do you see?

You see it as...

"I gotta pick her up

from the airport. "

I see it as,

"I get to pick her up. "

It's all about

how you look at it.

Well, I'm looking at you like

you're out of your f***ing mind.

If that's what being married's

about, you can keep that sh*t.

Ain't no way this motherf***er

is ever getting married,

you heard?

Why don't you tell that crock

of sh*t to Tommy here?

I'm sure

he'll appreciate it.

For three years,

he's cashing his chips in early,

going home to a girl who up

and clotheslines his ass

and leaves him staggering

in the street, his guts out,

wondering what he did wrong.

Ha! What he did wrong.

How about that for a mindfuck?

What? Tell me.

Come on, f***ers, tell me.

He didn't love her enough?

He didn't treat her well enough?

I don't think so.

We all agree to a man

that Tommy

is the best person we know.

Seems to me I recall,

somewhere back in the day,

him holding out for one

that spun his top

and doing whatever he could

to make it work,

but it didn't work...

all right.

...Because she dumped him,

she f***ing dumped his ass.

The best guy we know

does everything right.

She still f***ing dumps him.

So your theory is sh*t.

I mean, it is f***ing

a bunch of sh*t.

You wanna know why?

There's two people

in a relationship... two...

and they're both

always changing.

So no matter what you do,

how the f*** are you ever able

to tell what the other person's

gonna do tomorrow?

All right, Sal.

No, f***...

no, all right! F***, Sal!

F***!

Sal, please.

No, no, no, Wayne,

you shut up too for a second.

I mean, you guys

are all so f***ing selfish.

All of you, man.

You're talking about me

like I'm not even here.

Tommy, look,

I was just...

no! F*** that!

That's f***ing bullshit, Sal!

I mean, you come into my home

and all you guys talk about

is your problems, your feelings,

your relationships.

Ever stop to think

what I was going through?

I mean, I'm f***ing

dying over here, man.

It's not tomorrow

or the next day

or in the first f***ing grade,

Sal.

It's happening right now.

I got the love of my life

walking through

that door any minute,

and she's gonna leave me,

and I have no idea

what I'm gonna do.

All I know is...

I can't let that happen.

I gotta get her back.

Now, either you guys help me

figure this out right now,

or you get the hell out of here

and let me do it on my own,

because whether

you think so or not,

Sara's the best thing

that ever happened to me,

and I'm gonna do whatever

it takes to get her back.

What if you don't?

What?

I was just... um...

look, I was just being

devil's advocate, all right?

What if you don't?

What if you don't get her back?

What then?

Well, then I guess

I'll just be like you, Sal.

A man without love.

Very dramatic.

What kind of man is that, huh?

Angry? Vindictive? A monster?

Oh-ho-ho-ho, but I'll be way

worse than you, Sal,

'cause you never had

what I have.

The kind of love I have

in my heart for Sara?

You lose that, heh, well,

I'd hate to be any girl

that crosses my path

any time soon.

Aw...

shut the f*** up, George.

I don't wanna hear it.

If Sara wants to leave me,

then I'll start

a new chapter of an old club.

The he-man woman-haters club.

Remember that? Huh?

Remember that sh*t?

With, uh, spanky and alfalfa

and buckwheat?

They had this thing,

the he-man woman-haters club.

They didn't take sh*t from Darla

or any of them b*tches.

He's lost his mind.

Oh, they had the right idea

back then.

I mean, you didn't see Darla

or any of them other chicks

putting on shows, did you?

No. Spanky and alfalfa

ran the show,

and if them b*tches wanted to be

a part of what was going on,

they did what they were told!

Starsky and Hutch?

No chicks. Successful.

Baretta? Lived with

an old man and a bird.

No chick drama, no problem.

Batman? Gay.

But only when he ever gets

tempted by catwoman

did he have any real problems.

Han solo?

With Chewie, he was fine.

He hooks up

with Princess Leia,

his ass gets thrown

in the carbonite.

Chicks are the downfall of every

great man that ever lived.

Mark Antony, Othello,

Bill Clinton, all of 'em.

And he who does not learn

from history

is doomed to repeat

its mistakes.

What the f*** was I thinking?

I don't wanna be with Sara.

I want nothing to do with her.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote