What We Did on Our Holiday Page #4

Ah, but they didn't have two holes

in them there and there, did they?

They did if they fell off a cliff

onto a stag.

I never thought of that.

What if somebody threw a spear?

It could have gone through the side

and out the other side.

But that would hit the helmet though,

wouldn't it?

You know,

my favourite Norse god is Odin.

Is it? Why's that?

Because he's got these, erm, ravens

called Memory and something else.

What did they do?

- They're ravens.

- And that's a job, is it?

- They're really dangerous.

- Ooh.

- I pray to him sometimes.

- You pray to Odin?

Yeah. He roams the world

testing people's hospitality.

Well, in the mortal world,

we have a word for that. "Scrounging. "

Happy 75th birthday.

They're fine.

And they don't live

in different houses by the way.

I'll be running,

er, well, all the important stuff.

Margaret, I've got you

on the flowers, the food,

the signage and the cloakroom.

Er, and the taxis.

And the photographer. Doug, I need you

to set up the marquee for the band.

Hello. And set up the tables.

Kenneth is on parking and conage.

I'm going to West Beach

with Dad and the kids.

I think not.

214 guests we've got coming.

- 214?

- 215.

Patsy Cameron found a

man on the internet.

Too late.

Although Jimmy Cazerotto's

stuck in New Zealand.

- Dad can't manage the kids.

- I'm not senile.

No, but what if...

Mickey, put the puppy back.

- Dad, it is your birthday...

- And this is how I'd like to spend it.

And we don't want to upset him. Do we?

- We'll be back by seven.

- Well, no, you need to be back bef...

So that's agreed then.

I'll take my mobile.

- Come on, kids.

- Yes!

But, Dad...!

Gordie, are you sure

you're up... for this?

It's... Margaret said

your medications make you feel...

I'm giving the medications

a rest today.

Oh, well, is that a good...

No need to worry,

I've carried out a risk assessment.

No, I haven't. It's a joke.

Remember jokes?

Hey!

Are you not stopping to say hello,

you miserable old bastard?

Jesus, Doreen,

can you not mind your language?

They're only weans.

She's got animals!

What's the matter with you?

I'm just saying go easy on the swearing.

They're from London,

everybody swears in London.

Mum and Dad swear all the time.

- Well, maybe so, but...

- Mum used the c-word.

- And the other ones.

- OK, but...

"Tell that to your poxy effing c-word

of a solicitor, you effing b-word. "

She thought I was in the garden

but I was in the toilet

peeing very quietly

by aiming for the side of the toilet

but not the water.

Though I did miss a bit.

- Right.

- She's got goats!

I'm coming!

And pigs!

I wonder what's in here.

- Shall we have a look?

- Whoa, look at the size of him!

- They're like massive chickens.

- They look like meerkats.

Only with no arms.

I'm gonna race one.

You've got an escapee

charging about like a loony

- down by the burn.

- That'll be Wiggins.

- How are you feeling today?

- Oh, I'm fine.

It's one of my good days.

You are such a crap actor.

Come on! Call yourselves ostriches?

I'm a lion! Come on! Race me!

So this came out of

a ostrich's bottom?

That's why they're so bad tempered.

Could you get an ostrich egg

and push it back up its bottom?

No, I don't think so.

Because you'd have to

hold the ostrich still

and nobody's gonna volunteer for that.

I reckon you could get it

halfway up the crack.

You could push it up.

If you caught it halfway,

you think you could push it back up?

- Yeah.

- Next time one's going to lay,

- I'll get in touch with you.

- One little push like...

- Like a volleyball.

- Right.

Look, I know your mum and dad

are going through a difficult time.

So you know what's happening to them?

- I put two and two together.

- So you know they're getting divorced?

Well, no, I didn't know that.

Look, Lottie, people sometimes change

but they still love you, both of them.

You'll see.

They'll muddle through this eventually.

- Dad had an affair.

- Right, er...

With a Paralympic athlete lady

with one foot.

I probably don't need to know

all the details.

Do you look after

the ostriches on your own?

- No, Morag helps me.

- Who's Morag?

- She's my girlfriend.

- Oh, for goodness' sake!

- What?

- You could have said "friend".

Girlfriend? Boys have girlfriends.

Now we have to explain the whole thing.

Fine, I'll explain.

- Do you know what a lesbian is?

- Is it someone from Lesbia?

That's right, Mickey.

I am from the magical kingdom of Lesbia.

You're just gonna confuse them

even more!

Margaret! There's a wrong

apostrophe on the toilet signage!

- What the hell? Newcastle.

- It's a vibrant, growing city

- with a great... public transport hub.

- But it's hundreds of miles...

The Tyne is the best salmon river

in Britain

and otters have been seen in Gateshead.

- Abi, listen.

- There's lots of castles.

- Eh?

- Around Newcastle. Kids love castles.

Bamburgh Castle, Dunstanburgh,

Alnwick, Holy Island.

Is this job

with the Newcastle tourist board?

- I'm just saying, it's...

- Abi, please.

Please. Don't take them away.

Margaret needs this heather.

Margaret?

Margaret!

Granddad,

your mobile's turned off.

Aye, that's the way I like it.

And the batteries are dead,

just to make sure.

Oh, just look at that. Look at it.

Bless you.

Lovely manners.

Can we drive for a bit?

- Don't be stupid. Kids can't...

- Yes, you can drive.

Mickey, toot the horn.

Jess, you're the look-out.

Stick your head out

and shout, "Look out!"

- Look out!

- Lottie, you steer.

What? But I... I can't...

When I press this pedal on the floor

that makes it go, then it's down to you.

What? But I...

Left a bit. Left a bit.

But it's not allowed.

I'm ten, I'm not insured.

I don't care.

That's good. Left, left. That's lovely.

- I don't think that...

- You need to live more and think less.

- More right, more right! Oh!

- Lottie!

Well done!

I've been trying to hit that for years.

- What did it say?

- It said "Do not let children drive".

Oh, Mother, can I go out to swim?

Yes, my darling daughter

Watch the boys don't see your bum

Keep it well under the water

Mother, can I go out to swim?

Yes, my darling daughter

Watch the boys don't see your bum

Keep it well under the water

Watch the boys don't see your bum

Keep it well under the water

Yay!

Whoo-hoo!

We might see a killer whale.

Don't go on those rocks!

I found a pebble!

Is it nice being a lesbian?

What the hell are you asking me for?

I suppose it must be, otherwise

they wouldn't be one, would they?

How do people know what they are?

Well, they just kind of find out.

We all find out eventually what we are.

Then the world has to lump it.

Can lesbians make babies?

Er... Well, er...

Why don't you nip over there

and get some wood for the fire

- at the old Viking burial mound?

- That's a Viking burial mound?

Yeah. So they say.

That's where I found the brooch.

Are you OK, Granddad?

Aye, indigestion, princess.

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