What We Did on Our Holiday Page #5

I've had it all my life.

Don't chew enough.

Granddad! I've lost my pebble.

Right.

I'll race you! Look out for jellyfish.

- Is this official?

- Is what official?

What it says on this rock.

"Keep off. F and G's beach. "

Oh, God.

I carved that.

Well, I helped. Actually I didn't do

all that much, I was only small.

- Frazer did most of it.

- Who's Frazer?

He was my big brother.

He died in the war.

In Afghanistan?

No, he was fighting

a very stupid man called Hitler

who wanted to take everybody's land.

- Like Monopoly?

- Aye, just like Monopoly.

Except with more screaming.

Anyway, Frazer used to bring me here,

- taught me how to swim.

- How did he die?

Someone made a terrible mistake.

A pilot thought

Frazer's platoon were Germans.

Where's he buried?

He isn't buried anywhere.

I know about dying.

Right.

Cos of Bambi's mum and Babar's dad

and Simba's dad and Nigel.

- Our next-door neighbour.

- I don't think this is my pebble.

Oh, it definitely is.

I'd recognise it anywhere.

Let's go, little beavers!

More driftwood.

- Can we bury you, Granddad?

- Oh, no, that sand gets everywhere.

I definitely don't want to be buried,

thank you.

- Not even when you die?

- Jess!

Well, that's what happens

when someone dies.

You bury them

and then everyone eats cake.

- That's right, isn't it, Granddad?

- Absolutely, sweetheart.

I've never seen

the point of funerals myself.

Nice people

all standing around in the kirk

while the priest tells a pack of lies

about what a great man you were.

Nah, put me out with the recycling.

Purple bin, isn't it,

for plastics and dead granddads?

Oh, come on, it's only a joke.

No, if I had to choose

a kind of funeral,

just give me a good old Viking funeral,

like my ancestors.

Just stick me on a burning boat

and float me out to sea.

No stupid family fights,

no stupid rows about who gets what

or who does what.

Just a warrior's farewell.

Can we go out

and catch some fish to cook it?

Yeah, get some crabs while you're there.

There are sandwiches in the pick-up,

aren't there?

Yeah, but you can't hunt sandwiches,

can you?

The water won't be cold,

will it, Granddad?

Course not, it's only

the North Atlantic.

Why on Earth would it be cold?

It's freezing!

You lied to us!

Look, you've got to pat it down

like this.

- I'm decorating it.

- That's after.

Are you OK back there?

Aye, I'm grand,

apart from the sand up my arse.

Oh, look. Look up there,

it's the osprey.

Oh, look at that.

It's just a bird.

17 years

she's been coming back.

Flown all the way from Africa.

You can't really lay a egg in Africa

cos you'll get a fried egg.

- How far is Africa?

- About eight million miles away.

That's rubbish, isn't it, Granddad?

Hey, Granddad.

Perhaps he's asleep.

Granddad?

Granddad?

Granddad! That wasn't funny!

- Well, it was quite funny.

- No, it wasn't.

It was funnier than monkeys!

Mum and Dad lie so much.

I just don't trust them any more.

They make me so angry.

Well, I used to feel like that

about my lot, too.

Until I suddenly realised

there was no point in being angry

with people I loved

for being what they are.

I mean, so what if your dad

is a complete and utter bloody shambles?

Or your Uncle Gavin's

a bit of a tight-arse?

All that social climbing!

He can't help himself

any more than his wife can help

being scared of her own shadow

or your mum can help

being a bit mouthy.

The truth is,

every human being on this planet

is ridiculous in their own way.

So we shouldn't judge

and we shouldn't fight,

because in the end...

In the end,

none of it matters, none of this stuff.

Lottie, this shell's got legs!

It's OK, it'll be a hermit crab.

Frazer? What are you doing here?

Oh... I get it.

Are you coming in for a swim,

you big Mary?

Hey, Granddad, can we cook this crab?

Or will it be unfair on the beach?

I can put it back if you want or...

Oh, Granddad. Stop mucking around.

I'm not falling for that again.

Lottie! There's something not right

with Granddad.

Oh, he's just doing

that stupid joke again.

Come on, Granddad.

Granddad?

Granddad.

Granddad?

I think he might be dead.

He's not breathing.

I'm gonna check his pulse.

They taught us this in Brownies.

Granddad's got no pulse

and we better get back

to tell everyone he's died.

Such bad luck.

Dying just before your birthday party.

Come on. The grown-ups

will know what to do.

- They'll just argue.

- Hey?

They'll argue and fight,

like Granddad said.

And he said he didn't want that.

If we leave him, he might get eaten

by badgers and seals and puffins.

You go back, Lottie.

We'll stay here and guard Granddad.

You're sure you'll be OK with that?

Well, that's very brave

and grown-up of you.

Do you think it'll be all right

if I can have the Swiss roll?

I think that'll be all right.

We won't eat Granddad's,

just in case.

I won't be long! Be sensible!

I read in a newspaper article that

said when people had stopped breathing,

when people's heart stopped,

they die

and then when they die, they felt

themselves leave their bodies

and they find themselves

hovering their own bodies

and looking down on people.

You said it'd be

a small family gathering.

- It's more like Glastonbury.

- Don't exaggerate.

- Parading Dad. "Meet my dad... "

- Dad knows these people, OK?

- You should give him what he wants.

- He's very ill.

He doesn't know what he wants.

We have to make decisions for him.

But you wouldn't know about that,

would you?

- Cos you're never here.

- Oh...

This is going to be a reasonable-sized

gathering to celebrate Dad's life.

Where have you booked for the funeral?

Westminster Abbey? The O2 Arena?

- Shh! Yeah, Leon, I'm just...

- Who's that?

Oh, Leon?

Geordie Leon? My kids' new dad?

- Oh! Hello, Leon!

- You pathetic child!

- Mum...

- Leon is my new boss.

The man I'm screwing is called Wallace.

Wallace? Do the kids know?

- I'll tell them when it's time.

- Does he have a dog called Gromit?

Here come the stupid jokes.

- She ate Granddad's Swiss roll.

- I didn't mean to!

- It was a accident.

- It wasn't an accident.

- It doesn't matter.

- Where are the grown-ups?

Fighting. Mickey was right.

They can't be trusted

to do what Granddad wanted.

So we're gonna do it.

We're gonna give him

the funeral he wanted.

- A Viking one?

- Yeah.

- Cool.

- Where will we find a Viking boat?

There's one in York.

But I'm not sure

the museum will lend it to us

if we tell them we're gonna burn it.

Right, now listen,

we've all got to work together.

- This is our present to Granddad.

- Shotgun the matches!

Margaret!

That's drop-off point B. Turn around.

So it won't be

a proper Viking longboat then?

- No, it'll be a raft.

- How are we gonna move it?

We'll put it in Granddad's car.

- But we can't drive.

- Yes, we can.

Mickey, you push the pedal

and I'll do the wheel.

I think we need to do

something with this.

Which one should I do?

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