What We Did on Our Holiday Page #6

One, two, three or R?

- One.

- I think we should go with R

because we want the car

to go...

I'm gonna do one. Do you think

we'll get into trouble for this?

The grown-ups

might be annoyed at first,

but once we tell them

this is what Granddad wanted...

Do the pedal again!

The car sounds a bit annoyed!

- How's that?

- Do I do left or right?

Right. No!

I'm not wearing a seat belt!

A bit more. Turn a bit harder.

Is that better?

How are we going to get that

in the back?

I've used every knot I know back there.

Granddad said the tide's coming in,

so if we leave the car

at the edge of the sea...

Whoa! This is bumpy!

Jess, shout when it's at the edge.

Edge!

- Oh, for God's sake!

- Yay! We did it!

- Do you think we should lock it?

- Yes, we don't want it getting stolen.

To be a proper Viking funeral,

it's crucial that you need to take

his favourite things to heaven.

I thought of that.

Oh, his Scotland shirt. Brilliant!

- Granddad! He's alive!

- Granddad!

Wake up! Come on, Granddad!

Wake up, Granddad!

Granddad.

Come on.

He's cold.

I think people do farts

after they're dead.

I saw it on this programme

called The Real Silent Witness.

- This woman said so.

- Are you sure?

She was wearing a white coat.

She said dead people are full of gas.

I'm scared.

It's OK. It's only Granddad.

He sort of died in battle

cos he was fighting cancer,

so we'll give him a warrior's funeral.

I didn't think this would work.

Well, it works at Stonehenge.

Druids moved huge rocks.

Not granddads. So well done, my brain.

I so can't wait to go back to school

when we get to write about

what I did on our half term.

But I bet Shona's done

something more interesting

like she always has.

Goodbye.

You were nice.

Please accept my pebble.

We are gathered here,

to remember Gordie McLeod.

I'm sorry you died, Granddad.

I liked having someone to talk to.

Have a good Valhalla.

Amen.

He'd be so proud of us.

We can do folk rock,

we can do country,

we can do country folk rock,

indie folk rock.

Oh, my goodness. Where have you been?

- We need...

- I told Granddad seven.

- But...

- Oh, you're all mucky.

- Come on, bath time.

- But we need...

Did I mention bluegrass?

We can do bluegrass.

But not so fast

since Billy had his stroke.

Chop chop, the party's starting soon.

- I've laid your clothes out.

- Granddad died.

- What?

- Granddad died.

Oh, crikey, guys,

what time do you call this?

Doug. They're saying Gordie's died.

Hallelujah. At last. So what have

you done with your granddad, eh?

- Well...

- He died. On the beach.

OK, I'm on it.

- I shouldn't have let him...

- It's all right, love.

Yes, ambulance, quickly,

please to, erm...

- Lottie, where exactly is Granddad now?

- Out at sea.

- Out at sea?

- And on fire.

He wanted a Viking funeral,

so we built a raft, put the body on it,

set it on fire

and floated him out to sea.

Can you hold on a sec?

Lottie. Stop being silly,

just tell us, where is Granddad?

Ah, yeah. This is a wind-up.

He's put you up to this, hasn't he?

This is one of Granddad's

stupid jokes, isn't it?

Well, he did do it as a joke

to pretend to die,

but this time, it's not a joke.

- Hello?

- Yes, er, yeah.

We're just getting the details if you

could just show us a bit of patience.

I know that you're going to tell me

exactly what happened.

Well, I found lots of wood and...

- Er...

... and I found lots of crabs.

- Right...

- I lost my rock.

- At the end of the day, I found it.

- But what happened to Granddad?

There was a lady with a girlfriend

that lived with lots of pigs.

- After the lady.

- She sweared a lot.

- Back to Granddad.

- It's vital you tell the truth.

- We do tell the truth.

- Keep it down.

Nothing to do with the fish

or the crab or your stone, sweetie.

Where is Granddad?

If you listen, I'll tell you the story.

- I know, darling, but faster.

- So will you listen?

Hm-hmm.

- Grandpa farted.

- Oh.

Yes, we do still need an ambulance.

And the police.

And possibly the coastguard.

No, we don't need the fire brigade,

and I don't appreciate your tone.

Well, he is on fire.

- Quickly now.

- I found some fishes.

- Yep, after...

- Lottie knocked over some signs.

What happened next?

Yes, it is an emergency, we just

don't know what sort of emergency.

And then?

I stopped the crows

from eating Grandpa.

OK.

I'm perfectly aware

that it is a criminal offence

to make prank calls, but...

She's hung up! 999 has hung up!

Do we still have to have a bath?

- Erm... Er, no.

- Yay!

Car keys! Where the bloody hell

are the car keys?

We'll take ours.

Okey-dokey.

Now then, I have some very important

cake-tasting needs done.

Do I have any volunteers

to help me with that?

You stupid...!

- You stupid...

- Gavin, Gavin, Gavin, Gavin, Gavin.

Come on. No, no! Whoa, whoa! All right!

All right, all right, it's all right.

It's OK. It's all right.

Two, three, four.

I don't believe this.

This is a bloody nightmare.

Sir Donald, glad you could make it.

A bloody total nightmare.

Hughie. Good to see you.

A bloody total nightmare.

- Gavin, language. The children.

- Right, yeah.

They can't hear "bloody"

but they can set fire to my father.

We didn't hurt him. He was dead.

- Let's hope so.

- For Christ's sake. They were...

Someone best break it

to the ones who've arrived.

- We just did what Granddad wanted.

- He didn't want this.

He wanted to be cremated. Don't say it.

I'm looking for someone to punch

- and your children are too small!

- Enough!

Odin.

Excuse me. Excuse me!

Sorry, no photos.

Thank you all so much for coming.

Gordie would be pleased to see so many

of his friends gathered together.

Except sadly,

Gordie can't be pleased because...

he passed away today.

We think.

W- W-We're fairly certain he has.

Anyway,

I know you won't feel like dancing,

but do please have a drink

and make yourselves at home.

Jimmy Cazerotto?

Margaret!

- We thought you were in New Zealand.

- Where is the old bastard? Huh?

- Jimmy, I'm Abi.

- What?

Where's Kenneth?

He's supposed to be...

- Aha! You took your time, Murdo.

- It's Andy Mackay's stag night.

A dwarf got thrown through a window.

- This is Agnes Chisholm.

- From the Child Welfare Unit.

I'll require a room for interviews.

I found this child outside.

Unaccompanied.

Yeah, that's my son.

Thank you.

Why have they called the police?

We've done nothing wrong.

Please do exactly as I ask.

There is a procedure

for this kind of situation.

- There is?

- Oh, yes.

So he's at peace.

At... At peace.

Can I see him one last time?

I've come all the way

from New Zealand, you know.

I'm afraid that's not possible, Jimmy.

It's not... not... possible.

Sir Donald.

Very sorry about this, Sir Donald.

It's funny, this morning...

And we think...

we think that's what happened

but obviously, that's...

That's what?

Confidential.

That the kids burnt his body

and floated him out to sea?

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