What We Did on Our Holiday Page #7

Er, yes, well, the kids, erm...

They're from London.

So, thank you for that, Jess.

And if it's OK with you,

I'll just keep this lovely drawing

I asked you to do of the three of you

setting fire to your grandpa.

- Do you want to put it on your fridge?

- No. That's not...

There wasn't exactly

a unicorn on the beach

but I just got bored.

Perhaps we could hang on to the picture.

It will be returned to you

when the investigation's completed.

Can I go now?

- I was halfway through a Cheese String.

- OK.

So she holds her breath

quite often, does she?

So, Mickey, the idea

for the special funeral,

- who did that come from?

- Odin.

Odin?

He walks the Earth with one eye

and a big hat and an eight-legged horse

disguised as a traveller

to see if people's nice to him

and he's here now.

So, Odin, the Norse god,

is currently here

with an eight-legged horse?

Ach, sod it, lads. Let's call it a day.

Kenneth! Kenneth!

Where the hell is he?

Is this an effective use

of police resources?

Shouldn't you be out

looking for evidence of my father?

We haven't got a submarine.

Oh. Jokes is it now?

Make it bigger! Bigger!

Don't stress, I'm trying.

This isn't cats.

It's something

Kenneth's been watching.

Don't just press buttons at random.

Is that the YouTube thing?

I've thought of a joke.

A very funny joke. Yeah.

I make an official complaint

to your Chief Superintendent

who happens to be a friend of mine

who happens to be in my house right now

as a guest, so...

So, Lottie,

when your granddad passed away...

Ten to four. Approximately.

That's a pretty wee notebook.

What sort of things do you put in that?

Thoughts, facts, information.

Lies that I get told.

Could I possibly have a look at that?

Do you think

I could hang on to this for a bit?

Is that really necessary?

Why would...

Why would you need to hang on to it?

You're not thinking of...

removing us anywhere, are you?

Don't be silly, darling. This lady's

not here to do that. Are you?

At this stage,

I'm just making an assessment.

What is that?

God, what is she doing?

I take it you hadn't seen this,

Mr McLeod.

No charges were brought.

No, the staff at the mini mart

were very good about it.

Everyone... you know,

understood that your wife was,

you know, adversely affected

by her medication.

- Medication?

- Yeah, the anti-depressants.

For the depression.

It's not your night, is it?

Who fancies a dram?

I'm taking orders.

I've got Glengoyne or Glenmorangie.

It's finished. Play it again.

Oh, for Christ's sake! Kids!

Everything all right?

Please don't go anywhere

without notifying me, will you?

Has something happened?

Why is the knives and forks so loud?

Oh!

- Have you ever read Lottie's notebook?

- No. Have you?

No.

Well, not... not much.

She writes down everything.

Hey, sleep OK, sweetheart?

And now intervention woman's got it.

- Intervention?

- That's the word she keeps using.

I think maybe we should get a lawyer.

Another lawyer? They've been great

at calming things down.

The important thing is

not to antagonise her.

- We just need to...

- Good morning.

Morning.

Jesus, no, no!

For God's sake, Kenneth!

How did they find us so fast?

That'll be that bloody Donny Mackay.

He'll do anything

to fill his bloody guest house.

Oh, what's the point?

No one gets to keep

any secrets any more.

Well, you can say that again.

No one gets to keep

any secrets any more.

Bloody vultures!

Why can't Scotland have

a law of trespass like a real country?

Oh, Lord.

It's Little Miss Sunshine.

- Oh, Christ. Just be...

- Be what?

Just be... You know...

I came through the back lane

to evade all the media.

Well, thank you.

May I come in?

- Of course.

- Why?

- I'm sorry?

- Why do you want to come in?

- Abi, she's just...

- I need more information.

What sort of information?

Information to help assess

which of the range of outcomes...

- Outcomes? What outcomes?

- Outcomes, Abi.

A range of outcomes

from intervention to...

There! She said it.

I could involve the police

in this conversation.

You can come in when I get an assurance

that there is no possibility

of you taking away my kids.

- Abi.

- As I was in the process of saying...

- I'll take that as a no, then.

- Abi!

Jesus. Look at this.

Look at it. Look.

We're front page of

the Daily Mail as well.

- Thank you, Kenneth.

- And the Express.

- Kenneth, that's enough.

- "Feral Children Sacrifice... "

Kenneth! We can do without

the bloody rolling bulletin!

- Thank you.

- We need to deal with this.

- It's not helpful.

- I'm trying to be informative.

Kenneth!

Look, Gavin,

about the supermarket episode...

There's nothing... helpful

to be said about that.

- Ah, I was wondering...

- I'd like my notebook back.

I'm sorry, Lottie, I'm only permitted to

talk to you in an interview situation.

Actually, could I just nip in

and use your phone for a moment?

But the Prime Minister

has tweeted

that the incident is the symptom

of a broken society.

Don't worry, Dad, I told you,

Odin will sort all this out.

Mickey, you didn't see Odin.

Miss Pringle said that she saw Jesus

and if she can see Jesus,

I can see Odin.

You didn't see Odin!

There is no Odin.

This is the real world.

We're on television!

The three children

from this family

who cannot be named

for legal reasons...

- Oh!

... are inside the house.

- The police have announced...

- We can only confirm

that the body of a man

in his mid-seventies

was... destroyed and floated out to sea

possibly with some valuables.

Hi, there.

I forgot to put

the brooch in my drawing.

- Yes, it was.

- Brooch?

Granddad's Viking brooch.

We put it on the raft.

All Vikings went to Valhalla

with their treasure.

You morons!

Well, that's just rude.

You, stupid, stupid little...

- Whoa, whoa, enough!

- They've destroyed a family heirloom.

- Dad found it.

- It's worth 15,000.

- 15,000?

- I had it valued.

- Oh, I get it.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Thinking ahead?

- Doug...

Thought we'd keep that secret

till after we divided up Dad's things?

I was going to announce it

as a surprise for his birthday.

Please! I'm glad

he's not here to listen to this.

He probably would be here

if it wasn't for your mental kids!

- It is not the kids' fault!

- That's right!

- It's his.

- What?

Lottie tried to get us to listen

and you were too busy having

an argument with your stupid brother.

- This isn't getting us anywhere.

- Oh, just go chuck a pumpkin!

- That's enough.

- It's not enough.

- Nothing's enough for you, is it?

- Stop!

Stop it now! This is exactly

what Granddad said would happen.

He wanted a Viking funeral so it would

give you all less to fight about.

He said no one should fight,

because at the end of the day,

it doesn't matter

if Uncle Gavin's a tight-arse

and Dad's a shambles

and Mum's a bit mouthy

and Auntie Margaret's...

something or other.

He said you mustn't mind about that

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote