What Women Want Page #3

and our hearts into this company,

we will deliver,

I know that.

Now, I love challenges.

I love hard work.

I look forward to sitting at this

very table tossing ideas around...

until what I fear will be

the wee hours of the morning.

I want the work we do

to say something about who we are.

- How we think, what we feel.

- I'm sorry.

[ Coughs ]

Excuse me.

So, as our friends in Hollywood say,

''Let's cut to the chase.''

How are we gonna turn

this company around ?

When Sears decided to go

after women in their advertising...

and said, ''Come see

the softer side of Sears,''

their revenues

went up 30%.

Thirty percent.

That's huge.

Female-driven advertising

totalled $40 billion last year.

And Sloane-Curtis' share

of that was ?

Zero.

If you want to sell

an anti-wrinkle cream...

or a Ford Mustang

to a woman - forgive me-

but this is the last place

you bring your business.

And we can't afford to not have

a piece of a $40 billion pie.

So, I have put together

a little kit for everybody.

Nobody panic.

This is supposed to be fun.

Every product in this box

is looking for new representation...

right now, and they're

all made for women.

l'm pretty sure all the women here

are familiar with these products,

so for the men let's just

briefly run through them.

- [ Cracking Knuckles ]

- Here you go, Nick.

Thank you.

Each kit contains

anti-wrinkle cream,

mascara,

moisturizing lipstick,

bath beads,

quick-dry nailpolish,

an at-home waxing kit,

a more wonderful Wonderbra,

- a pregnancy test, hair volumizer,

- Oh, sorry.

pore cleansing strips,

Advil,

control-top pantyhose

and a Visa card.

Now I want everybody

to come up with something--

for one product, for two,

the whole box-- whatever moves you.

We'll get together tomorrow,

have a little show-and-tell.

How's 8:
30 for everybody ?

Great. See you at 8.:30

tomorrow morning.

A nightmare.

Read my lips -

night-mare.

- [ Crowd Cheering ]

- Miss, miss, miss !

That's another 500 bucks.

- [Switching Channels]

- We play our dangerous game.

A game of chess...

against our old adversary.

''Adversary'' ?

Surely you mean adversary, old boy ?

Vinaigrette

for arugula salad.

- ...women's political caucus.

- Tuck the pelvis under. Lifting.

[ Impersonating Sean Connery ]

Buns of steel.

I'd steal her buns

if I could.

Here it comes.

Yes, he nailed the dismount !

Now let's check in

on the women's finals.

[ Grumbles ]

Women's finals.

There's way too much estrogen

on television these days.

And as we all know,

the perfect antidote for estrogen...

[ Grunts ]

is Frank.

Oh, I need some Frank.

Help me, buddy.

Help me now.

[ Frank Sinatra ]

[ Singing Along ]

- Don't panic.

This is supposed to be fun.

- Okay. Okay, I can do this.

I'm a professional.

Lipstick. All right.

Lipstick on a guy's collar ?

No, no, women will hate that.

Lipstick on a guy's collar

that won't rub off.

No, that's even worse.

Okay, okay, okay,

I gotta think like a broad.

All right, I'm a broad.

I see lipstick...

[ Sniffs ]

on a dark-haired

Tahitian beauty,

standing under a waterfall,

wearing nothing but a thong.

Water cascading

down her back.

I'm a lesbian.

[ Scoffs ]

I gotta change the music.

I wonder. I wonder.

Oh, Alex, thank you.

Ah, jackpot !

Oh, she's hot.

- You go, girl.

[ Singing Along ]

- Looks like big dandruff.

Smooth, yeah, smooth.

Oh, cool.

Wow, mascara.

Here we go.

[ Mumbles ]

[ Sighs ]

Nice, thick lashes.

Ow ! Ow ! Sh*t, that stings !

What the fu--

Okay, fine. Well, I need

some anesthetic here.

[ Exhales Deeply ]

[ Gargles ]

[ Burps ]

Beautiful.

[ Sighs ]

Okay. Now...

for the piece de resistance,

we have--

We have the right leg.

Yes, excellent.

And the hot, hot wax.

Very hot wax.

Here we go.

[ Gasping ]

Jeez ! Ooh, that's hot.

Okay, test of manhood.

Here we go.

Okay, we passed.

And next... we immediately apply

disposable cloth...

over the waxed... area.

Straight ahead.

Yes.

Yeah... it feels

kinda nice, yeah.

I don't know why women complain

about waxing their legs.

''In one smooth motion,

yank the strip quickly...

in the opposite direction

of the hair growth.''

No, no,

that would be north.

One, two, three.

[ Screams ]

[ Gasping ]

[ Scoffiing ]

[Light Clangs]

Women are insane.

Who would do that more than once ?

I don't know. Why would

anybody even do the other leg ?

Ah, yes,

that's right, girls.

Wax it off

and cover it up.

Yeah. Ally-oop !

Ooh, wait.

Oh, sh*t !

I guess this takes a little finesse.

One down, two to go.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Grunting ]

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

[ Clears Throat ]

Oh.

Honey, you just lost

yourself five pounds.

[ Chuckles ]

All right, where's my Wonderbra ?

Oh.

- [ Gasps ]

- Let's see which end is up here.

- Hi !

- What are you doing ?

Exfoliating ?

- Yo.

- You must be, um--

Cameron, my boyfriend.

This is Nick.

- Her father.

- That's nice nail polish you got.

Yeah, I'm just doing a new

research thing at work, you know.

- Get into the female psyche--

- Whatever.

Yeah.

I should probably

take off.

- No, you don't have to.

- It's cool. I'll see you later.

- Bye.

- Bye.

- I'll call you.

- Okay.

Nice meeting you, eh ?

Yeah.

- Excuse me. Did you kiss that guy ?

- Where did you get this ?

- Your zipper thing. You're kissing?

- You went through my stuff !

I needed some music.

It was just sitting there.

What are you, allergic to listening?

You never listen when I talk.

If I'm stuck staying here, then

my stuff's gonna be around, okay ?

I don't want you to just

go through everything.

- I don't listen to you ?

- You think you listen to me.

- Yeah.

- You do ?

What's my boyfriend's name ?

Uh, it's--

- Good night.

- No, no, wait, come back.

Dustin is his name.

Dustin, that's his name.

Right ? No.

Don't slam the--

C-Carson.

Carmen. Carmine !

Carmine !

- [DoorLocks]

- Carmichael !

I can't remember a guy's name, they

figure you're not listening to them.

[ Sighs ]

What do women want ?

I know it has three syllables.

[ Hair Dryer Whirs ]

Cameron.

His name is Cameron !

Whoa !

[ Panting ]

Oh, Jesus.

That's so dangerous.

Ninety percent

of all accidents happen--

[Sirens Wailing]

Oh, what the hell

has he done now ?

I hope he's not dead.

[ Groans ]

No, I'm fine.

[ Groans ]

I'm fine, I think.

Are you sure ?

[ Shudders ]

No. Yes.

[ Groaning ]

Cleaner pores.

Thicker hair.

Very weird headache.

Really weird.

Now I gotta clean up bras

and home pregnancy tests ?

The man doesn't pay me enough

for the things I have to do.

Oh, Jesus,

he's wearing panty hose ?

Now he's a cross-dresser ?

I was just experimenting with a few

products from work, all right ?

- Did I say anything ?

- Oh, God, it's 8:00 already.

To sleep till 8:
00. He'd fire

my ass if I wasn't here to wake him.

Whew, are we

in a mood today.

Same as every other day.

Honey, make me a little bagel

with cream cheese.

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