What Women Want Page #4

You know I can't think

on an empty stomach.

For your information,

I'm not even hungry.

Who said you were ?

- Mr. Marshall.

- Good morning, Flo.

Let me get you

a cab, sir.

Sure.

- [ Whistles ]

- Thank you, Flo.

[ Thinking ]

You're welcome, my little sweet ass.

What did you say ?

Me ? Nothing.

- You sure ?

- Yes, sir.

[ Growls To Herself]

You know what ?

I think I'll walk today.

- I could use a little fresh air.

- Have a great day, sir...

with your fine ass

looking like Shaft !

Whew ! I could just

ride that puppy !

- [ Horn Honking ]

- [Man] Watch where you're going.

- You okay, sir ?

- Fine. I'm fine.

Did I turn the coffee maker off?l

walked over, but did I turn it off?

l can't remember. I saw the light,

but did I turn the switch off?

-What ? What ?

-One kiss doesn't make me a lesbian.

- Does it ?

- What ?

- Hmm ?

- Oh, sorry.

Two slices of toast, 150 calories,

plusa tab and a half of butter,

Estrogen is good for the heart

but bad for the breasts.

- What ?

- My kid doesn't need Ritalin.

- Get him to listen to what I say.

- Monsieur, I need to poop.

[ Gasps ]

Oh, boy !

[ All Thinking At Once ]

- [ Elevator Bell Dings ]

- Aah !

[ Screams ]

Oh, God,

he nearly killed me.

Too bad he missed.

- [ Beeping ]

- [ Door Buzzes ]

- Good morning.

- Good mor--

Don't look up. He'll make me

hear another disgusting joke.

He's such a schmuck.

She thinks I'm a schmuck ?

Whoa, lighten up

on that aftershave, buddy.

Oh, what ? Oh, yeah,

like you've got the perfect body ?

Jeez.

- Hi, Mr. Marshall.

- No, no, don't say it.

What ? I was going to tell you

the Gillette budget's on your desk.

And I went out last night and

got you that Merlot that you wanted.

Here's

your credit card back.

Thankyou.

- You okay ?

- Me ? Yeah.

Do you realize that I have

an lvy League education...

and that running your stupid

errands has put me into therapy ?

Take me seriously and give me

some real work to do.

Oh, yeah, I remember why.

Because I have a vagina !

- Aah !

- Anything else I can get for you ?

Oh, good, you're on time.

- Morning.

- You look a little different.

You know, I think

maybe it's his hair.

- It looks thicker, doesn't it ?

- Gimme your coat.

- Oh, oh, okay.

- Mmm, you smell good today.

- New cologne ?

- No.

Th-That's it ?

No other thoughts ?

- What do you mean ?

- You feeling all right, doll ?

[ Mumbling ]

''Linens, linings,

loans, locks.''

- [Mumbling]

- Hello, Nick ?

Uh, Nick ?

We gotta go.

What are you doing ?

It's 8:
30.

Can't go. Gotta find a doctor.

Need a cure. Can't go.

- Definitely can't go.

- You sound like the guy from Shine.

- What's wrong with you ?

- I don't need a doctor.

Maybe I need,

like, an exorcist.

Under ''E'' for exorcist.

There are no exorcists

in the greater Chicago area.

Let's pull it together and sell

some sensitive feminine sh*t, okay ?

Sorry to interrupt.

Here you go.

[ Panting ]

By the way, your hair looks

really good today, Mr. Marshall.

[ Thinking ] And it's okay

you pay me minimum wage...

because I use the company phone

to call my boyfriend in Israel...

for an hour.

Tell me you heard that.

Your hair looks really good.

So what ?

The - The other thing !

What she was thinking thing.

I don't think she thinks too much.

She's not exactly a genius.

I'll have you know she went

to an Ivy League school.

- Doubt that.

- The thing about the boyfriend,

calling him in Israel,

you heard that, yes, no ?

I didn't hear it

'cause she didn't say it.

Pull it together. We're gonna

be late for our sorority meeting.

Morgan, in case I, like,

maybe die today--

Can we walk ? 'Cause in case

you live, I don't wanna be late.

Here's what happened,

just in case the coroner asks.

I got drunk, and I tried on

all the products from the pink box.

- You did not.

- I put on all the products--

nail polish, panty hose,

everything.

- You tried on the panty hose ?

- Yes, okay.

Anyway, I was drying my hair,

and I fell over and tripped,

fell into the bathtub

and electrocuted myself.

I blacked out,

and when I woke up...

I could hear what every woman

around me was... thinking.

- Uh-huh.

- Talking personal, private stuff.

The stuff that nobody is

supposed to hear, I hear that stuff.

You know what I'm saying ?

I can hear what women think.

Can you ? Good, 'cause that's not

a talent guys have these days.

You don't believe me.

You want me to prove it ?

-See this attorney coming toward us?

-Yeah.

Oh, she thinks

you're overpaid and gay.

- What ?

- I hear what they're all thinking.

It's driving me crazy. Even

French poodles, I can hear them.

So we're on the same page,

I need you to know you sound insane.

You freaked out over losing

the job, which I understand.

But if you tell anybody you can hear

the thoughts of a French poodle--

What if I jumped out the window?

Jumped through the plate glass.

Would they notice ? Probably not

if I didn't get glass on anybody.

That girl with the fruit is funny.

Suicidal, but she is funny.

Nick, what girl

with the fruit ?

- The--

- Huh ?

Last one to arrive.

Wants me to know I'm not his boss.

Okay, you're a star.

I get the message.

She thinks I'm late because I want

her to know she's not my boss.

- What is she talking about ?

- Put a lid on it. I'm begging you.

Ooh, I can't believe

I have butterflies in my stomach.

Feels like

the first day of school.

Okay, so let's see

how we did.

[Thinking]

Nobody wants to go first.

Everyone's avoiding me,

except Nick Marshall.

Unbelievable. The only one

with good eye contact.

At least he's looking at my eyes

and not down my blouse.

- Nick, what did you come up with ?

- Me ?

What did I come up with ?

[ Chuckles ]

He's so wired.

Mostly...

[ Clears Throat ]

I thought about

the moisturizing lipstick,

never having worn

lipstick myself.

I tried to imagine what I'd want

from a lipstick, if I were a woman.

- Oh, spare me.

- Okay, he's trying to be honest.

You know,

to be perfectly honest,

I thought of a Tahitian beauty,

bathing under a waterfall.

Oy, I'm gonna die here

with these kinds of ideas.

But, uh, you know, I'm

working on it, and it's evolving.

Anybody interested in an idea

involving the Swedish bikini team ?

I do know them all

personally.

- Oh, what an idiot.

-Jerk, grow up already.

- What a pig.

- You are so foul.

I should have asked

for more money. Gina ?

I spent the night trying to figure

out how to sell Advil just to women.

You know what ?

You should sell it to women like me.

[Giggles]

I take it every time

I need to fake a headache.

Works like a charm.

I-I got a great one.

It just came to me.

- Do you mind if I interrupt, Dina ?

- Sure, go ahead.

I hate that

you've seen me naked.

[ Chuckles ]

All right.

So, we're in a bedroom,

the lights are out.

There's a woman in bed,

and she's taking an Advil.

Her husband suggestively

rubs her back, and we say, ''Advil.

''So mild and gentle,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes