What Women Want Page #5

you can take it...

even when you're

faking a headache.''

[ Laughter ]

Woman turns to her husband and says,

''Not tonight, I need an Advil. ''

- He's back.

- [ Laughs ]

What ? Come on. That doesn't

reach women on a personal level ?

- No.

- Women do that, don't they ?

- I don't.

- No ?

Sue Cranston, you've done that,

haven't you ? Faked a headache to--

No, Nick, I haven't.

Thanks for asking.

No, wait, wait, wait.

Be honest now.

I mean, you've been married

what, ten, twelve years ?

You've never faked a headache ?

lt doesn't work like a charm ?

No, Nick, I haven't.

I mean, no, it doesn't,

okay ? Jeez.

- [ Thinking ] What an a**hole !

- I guess I'm off base here.

What's good is you're looking at

Advil from a woman's point of view.

Um, I don't think Advil

will go for it,

and I'm pretty sure every woman

in America will hate it.

Other than that,

I thought it was great.

You're on the right track.

Hang in there. Go ahead.

Great antenna there, babe.

The poodle give you that one ?

- [ Screams ]

- What are you doing home early ?

- I have my first migraine.

This is hideous. My boyfriend

feeling me up in front of my father.

Don't think anything. The outlook

wasn't good for the Mudville Nine.

- The score was four to two.

- Oh, sh*t. Where's my bra ?

- Where is it ?

- Oh, God.

Oh, God !

Okay, look. Everybody

just needs to chill out here.

There'll be no chilling.

Just get your stuff... and move on.

Come on, man. Relax.

- How old are you ?

- I just turned 1 8.

Well, she's 1 5.

She was 10 five years ago.

You know what I'm saying,

stud ? Now get out.

Dad ! [ Thinking ] We're going

to the prom. Don't ruin it.

- You're not going with this punk.

- How did you know about prom ?

Look, I don't know.

Mom told me, all right ?

It's not gonna happen

because he's too old for you.

I know what boys want, and he's not

getting it from my daughter. Door.

Your daughter ?

Suddenly, I'm your daughter.

- How am I related to this a**hole ?

- Another one.

- I want Mom.

- Look, l'm just gonna take off.

- l'm real sorry about this.

- Save it.

That's mine.

Where-- Where are you--

[ Sighs ]

Great day.

[Thunderclap]

Okay, l'm not losing

my mind.

- I'm already losing my mind.

- This will work. It's gotta work.

-This has gotta work. Sh*t. Perfect.

- [ Screams ]

- [Thunderclap]

[Thunderclap]

Come on !

Do your thing !

Turn me into me again !

[ Hair Dryer Whirring ]

Oh, good, I'm not dead.

[ Panting ]

Oh, please !

Please, please, please.

Tell me I got rid of it.

- [ Beeping ]

- Please be a woman. Please.

- For what city, please ?

- You couldn't do me a favor...

and think of your favorite color

or TV program, could you ?

For what city, please ?

[ Sighs ]

Flo ? Hey, Flo !

- Flo ?

- [Siren Wailing]

I can't believe this.

I need a woman.

-Try this one.

-Oh, I love this. This is fantastic.

Oh, it's my mother's birthday

next week, so I need two gift sets.

You've been a great help.

I appreciate it.

Do you have a Kleenex back there

so I can wipe that off ?

I'm sure she'll like it.

It's one ofourbestsellers.

- Do I get a free gift with this ?

- Yes, you get a travelbag.

Thank you.

[ Chuckles ]

Stop it. You've got the dress.

Treat yourself to lipstick.

- No, I have enough at home.

- You might as well get one, right ?

I have too many lipsticks. I have

piles of them. I don't need it.

- I'll buy it for you.

- lf he doesn 't answer in two rings,

- I swear to God !

- Hi, blue eyes.

[ Women Thinking

Simultaneously ]

[ Nick Screaming ]

[ Buzzing ]

- Dr., you may not remember me.

- Yes ?

I'm Nick Marshall. I came here about

ten years ago with my ex-wife, Gigi.

- [ Thinking ] Oh, Christ, not him.

- Oh, good, you remember me.

I'm sorry to barge in like this,

but I don't know who to turn to.

I'm afraid to go to work.

I'm afraid of my door woman.

I'm-- I'm afraid

to get a cup of coffee.

Mr. Marshall,

please slow down. Slow down.

Let me make sure I completely

understand what it is you're saying.

[ Sighs ]

All right. All right.

I hear what women think.

Yeah. You know,

Mr. Marshall,

this kind of imaginary

displacement scenario...

- I'm not imag--

- really isn't my thing.

I do, however, have a very good

friend over at University Hospital,

who specializes in male menopause

and testosterone depletion.

She's fabulous. I think what I'll do

is just give her a ring...

and send you overthere.

Why did I answer my door ? I was so

into buying that lamp on eBay.

- How much was it going for ?

- How much was what going for ?

The lamp on eBay.

Oh, I see. That's good.

Very clever.

- Dr. Skolnick, please.

- You don't believe me. Try another.

Go on. Pick a number.

Give it a whirl. Any number.

Okay. A number

between one and--

- A million. Why not ?

- One and a million.

All right.

Mm.

Wanna make a decision here ?

- Oy vay!

- Oh, you can say that again.

- I didn't say anything.

- Doesn't mean I didn't hear it.

Okay. Okay. Let's say--

Let's say I do believe you.

- Yeah.

- You can hear what women think.

Even though I'm a grown

woman of... [ Thinking ] 51 .

- 47.

- Oh, my lips are sealed.

Holy crap !

Oh, forgive me.

- That's all right.

- But this is phenomenal.

- You can hear inside my head.

- Yes.

Why would you want to get rid

of such a brilliant gift ?

Well, for starters,

almost every woman I know

thinks I'm an a**hole.

- What I thought when I met you.

- Doc, give me a break here.

Mr. Marshall, you might

find this a little unorthodox,

but would you mind

awfully if I smoked ?

- No, no, I understand.

- Thank you. Thank you so much.

[ Coughs ]

Let's try to look at

the up side of this, shall we ?

You know, Freud died at age 83

still asking one question,

''What do women want ?''

Wouldn't it be strange and wonderful

if you were the one man on Earth...

finally able to answer

that question ?

Listen to me, Nick.

Something extraordinary...

and I think miraculous

has happened to you.

My advice is

you must learn from this.

You know, there isn't

a single woman that I treat...

that doesn't wish her man

understood her better.

If men are from Mars and women are

from Venus and you speak Venusian,

the world can be yours.

I don't know how this

happened to you or why,

but you may just be

the luckiest man on Earth.

lmagine the possibilities.

lf you know

what women want,

you can rule.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Thinking ] Hubba-hubba, here he

comes, looking awfully good today.

And I haven't had sex

in four months. Okay, six.

Why did I tell him to stop

asking me out ? I'm an idiot!

- Idiot ! Idiot !

- [ Chuckling ]

Hey, Nick, how's it going ?

Lola, my love.

I can't take no for an answer.

- About what ?

- About what ?

[ Chuckles ]

About us.

Just don't hurt me, Nick.

I've been hurt too many times.

I know how hard it is

to go out with someone new.

I mean, there's always

that fear of,

well, getting hurt.

- At least that's how I feel inside.

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