Whatever It Takes

- Hey, Maggie. | Hey, Ryan.

What did you do last night?

The usual.

Had the driver take me shopping, | hit a couple of clubs.

Then I wound up at some after-hours | talking fashion with the Beastie Boys.

You?

I picked up Ashley Grant in the Ferrari, | had dinner at one of my restaurants...

...reluctantly appeared at | a VIP awards show party.

- You know, the same old thing. | - Right.

Watched TV and made a mix tape.

Played the accordion.

Thanks, Dad.

Ryan, I'm only saying this | because we're friends.

You need to get over | this Ashley Grant thing.

Because?

Because you've been into her forever | and it's not healthy!

You're obsessed.

So?

So every guy in school likes her.

You'd get crushed.

Here comes the steamroller now.

Hi, Ashley.

- Hi! | - Yo, baby.

Hey, Ashley.

Are you okay?

- Hey, Floyd. | - You know? I'm going to miss this place.

I'm going to miss this place. | The games, the parties...

- ... all these lovely women digging me. | - More like, all but one of them.

Maggie Carter...

...breaks my heart. | But I've still got four weeks.

How many times you gonna ask her out?

And be completely shut down?

But this time I got a plan.

Sorry about...

Your mouth!

That's the first complaint | I've had about it so far.

Sorry about your mouth?

What the hell is wrong with me?

You suck with women! | Especially fine ones like Ashley Grant.

Way to go, champ.

Thanks.

Relax, Ryan, it could be worse.

Really?

Speaking of, your mom's on stage | in her nurse's outfit.

Hi!

Hi, Mrs. Woodman.

Attention, everyoneI | Could you please take your seats?

Everybody find your seats. Quickly, please.

We have a very exciting lecture today | and you won't want to miss it.

Excuse me.

Got to pay the toll.

You want me to kick you in the face?

Well, that depends. Would you be naked?

School's almost out and | you're still saying no to me.

Say it isn't so!

The master has lost his touch.

Hello everyoneI | I'm Katie Woodman, school nurse.

Since summer's approaching, | I thought I'd talk to you about safe sex.

As you know, | the safest route is abstinence.

But if you're going to be sexually active, | there's a few things you need to know.

Speaking of Woodman.

Hot from her personal collection?

Shut up.

To those of you who may not know, | this is the penis.

- This is the male sexual organ. | - Come to my house after school.

You want to?

I'm having some friends over. It'll be fun.

Now the penis | also carries urinary responsibility.

I can't. I got plans.

...that means that this goes hand in hand | with the latex condom.

For it to be effective it needs to be | pulled down all the way.

God, that was like a bad dream.

Every man needs a dream...

...and mine is to become | the next Virgil Doolittle.

- You know what he got expelled for? | - He stole Gilmore's neck.

That's right! Cooper Gilmore has no neck | because of Virgil Doolittle.

- He got arrested. | - And charged with "mayhem. "

Mayhem! How cool is that?

- The man is a legend! | - The man went to prison, Floyd.

Allegedly! And besides, who cares?

It has been twenty-one years | and Doolittle lives on!

You know a recent survey showed that | most women do prefer a man of danger.

- What's up, Cosmo? | - How's it going?

What's up?

You think accordion players have groupies?

I mean, really good ones?

Why do you ask?

You know, it's three weeks to prom.

That's right!

I don't know, I think it might be nice to go.

I figured, who better to go with | than my life-long neighbour...

...best buddy and partner in crime?

No prospects?

Have you seen me with any lately?

You going to make me beg?

Maybe a little.

I guess you have to go stag | with Floyd and the boys.

No. You got yourself a date.

- Thanks, Ryan. | - I should be thanking you.

Good-night.

Here we go, Woodman, dig in!

I hear you're going | to the prom with Maggie.

Where did you hear that?

Stand up now, Betty Boop!

It's all over school.

Maggie told me. You excited?

Woodman, my ass! You got no lumber. | You're stickless! You got no stick!

Floyd, it's Maggie.

Maggie's fine.

Dig in now here! Closer!

I know everything there is | to know about her.

- Closer! | - It would be like kissing my sister.

Which isn't a terrible thing | in some parts of the world.

Walk it off.

How many fingers?

Eleventy-seven?

Close enough.

- You okay? | - Yeah.

The coach hit you.

A**hole!

- Let's get out of here. | - Walk it offI

I got a surprise for you, buddy.

- Where the hell we going? | - Right on time for the floor show.

Can we come in?

It's $20!

You said $10!

Five seconds, it goes up to $30.

God!

Come on, let's go. For one!

Go! You owe me! I want instant recall!

Rent-A-Cop!

- Excuse me, sir? | - Come on! Move!

Sir, I don't know where we're going.

It should be empty. You got two minutes.

Go right into the cage. | You get busted, you do not know me.

Go on in. You don't have all day. Move!

Go.

Five minutesI

Did you get a good look?

Hey, hold up!

Wish I could, my brother, | but you know how it is, right?

We could hang out some time.

Troll for some skank or skank | for some troll or something.

What?

- What's up with Maggie Carter? | - What's up with that little sassy?

Why do you ask?

Maybe I'm interested.

In Maggie Carter? Trust me, I've known | her my whole life. She's not your type.

Ashley Grant's not yours either | but I could hook you up.

Homestyle got the hook up.

- Who says I'm into Ashley Grant? | - Come on.

I saw you checking her out all year. | Just thought I could help you out.

What's the catch?

Why has there got to be a catch?

You haven't said dick to me in four years...

...and now you want to help me out?

You're right. | I don't know you. You don't know me.

The prom's coming up. I'm into Maggie. | You're into Ashley.

She ever mention me?

No.

B*tch!

What makes you think | I have a chance with her?

You don't. But Ashley is my cousin | and I can help you.

- Same goes for me with Maggie. | - I don't know. Why Maggie?

- You could date any girl in school. | - But Maggie's special. I can tell.

What do you say? You be me...

...and I'll be you.

Chris?

I need to talk to you.

- Deal. | - Deal.

Deal.

Do you know what this means?

You're validating our entire species here.

I'm serious! This is like Lyle Lovett | and Julia Roberts!

Quasimodo and the Notre Dame chick! | Tommy Lee and-

- Everybody. | - Yeah.

- Of course, he's gifted. | - Studies show that...

...84 percent of all women polled prefer | technique to physical size.

Don't tell me you can't grasp | the greatness of this!

- You compared me to a hunchback! | - Next to Ashley Grant, you are.

I'd like to hunch her back!

Ashley's going to love this.

No, I can't send her that.

You just did.

She's going to hate me!

- Exactly! | - I sent Maggie poetry from you.

Listen, every guy in schooI wants | to say something nice to Ashley Grant.

Big deal! You got to stand out. | Be different.

But, "Your hair looks butch"?

It'll work.

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