Whatever Works Page #10

keep me from becoming unnerved.

I knowyou require a certain ritual.

And then after the shower, our

dinner, but not crawfish pie again.

I got indigestion from it last

time. I thought I had thyroid cancer.

Boris, I met someone

else. I've fallen in love.

And then some Beethoven, maybe some

Schubert for a change, but, you know...

You met someone else?

I'm not saying I don't have

very deep feelings foryou. I do.

You met someone else?

Yes.

And you want us to live in a

threesome, like your mother?

Boris, when you found

me, I was very young.

You're still very young.

Yes, but I've grown.

I've grown so much. And

mainly because ofyou.

Yes, it's true. I have been very

patient with your phenomenal ignorance.

You can always count on me for anything.

I just...

I guess I'm at a very

impressionable age, and I...

I can't think of a way to say this well.

- You don't have to say itwell.

- I want to.

I completely understand. I do.

This does not run counter

to my convictions that

love relationships are

almost invariably transient.

I don't really think

that's true ifthey're right.

Really? You have your own ideas?

Just a couple. You know,

they're not very deep, but...

As cruel as life is, I miss

participating in the world.

And I even miss people, even

the inchworms and the cretins,

because I don't really think they're

bad, I think they're just scared.

I think you're making

the correct decision.

- Boris...

- I mean it.

I'm a profound and sensitive

soul with an enormous grasp

of the human condition.

Itwas inevitable you would

eventually grow tired of

being so grossly overmatched.

Greatness isn't easy to live with,

even by someone of normal intelligence.

You're upset. I don't expect

you to understand. How could you?

Believe me,

if I can understand quantum mechanics,

I can certainly comprehend

the thought process

of a sub-mental baton twirler.

- Boris...

- It's okay.

I knew this day would

come. I really did.

The universe is winding

down. Why shouldn'twe?

Again!

I'll have another, too.

She left me. Can you believe it?

What am I talking about?

I left her. She's alone.

Now, no matterwhich way she

turns in bed, she's got a husband.

My wife left me, too.

I'm sure she was beautiful,

just like my wife.

Norman?

Norman was gorgeous.

He was the greatest runway

model Versace ever had.

I thought you said yourwife.

We were married in Holland.

You married a guy?

What else?

But thatwould make you...

What? A widow? Norman didn't die.

Not a widow, a...

- Gay?

- A member of the...

Ofwhat?

The homosexual persuasion.

My God.

You make it sound like a religion.

Yes. If it's a religion, you

could call me devout. A fanatic.

But that's a sin against God's law.

God is gay.

He can't be. He made the

whole universe perfect.

The oceans, the skies, the beautiful

flowers, the trees everywhere.

That's right. He's a decorator.

Butwhat do you miss about

him? I still don't get it.

Everything.

His face.

His kindness, his sense of humor.

Our mutual passion.

The way we'd dance and he'd

dip me back and kiss me.

Jesus.

Why did he leave you?

She leave you. Norman.

He wants to live in Paris, and

I can't leave my sick mother.

Is your mother a woman?

She used to look like Marlene Dietrich.

What's the difference? They all

hurt you in the end, every woman,

whether they're male or female.

Why did yours leave you?

I left her for her best

friend, but it didn'twork out.

Why not?

Can I be perfectly frank with you?

I don't shock easily.

I couldn't make love to her.

Why not?

Itwas fine at first, but then I lost

interest. I wanted Marietta back.

Which is funny, because

in the last years,

I really didn't have a lot of

sexual interest in Marietta.

That happens with you heteros.

We always have interest.

Christ, if I'm going to be honest,

you know, I never, ever really had

a burning sexual desire for Marietta.

Why'd you marry her?

Itwas the thing to do. Everybody where I

lived, you had a wife and children and...

Can I really level with you?

Of course.

John. John Celestine.

Of course, John. I'm Howard

Cummings, nee Kaminsky.

I married Marietta,

because I was afraid.

Ofwhat?

The way I felt towards the

tight end on the football team.

No.

Every time he got in the line

of scrimmage and bent over.

Bartender, another round

for my friend and me, please.

Can you believe I blew it twice?

I jumped out the window and

landed on a woman walking her dog.

She got hurt. I got off scot-free.

Don't you realize the consequences

ofyour actions impact on other people?

- Oh, come on. Seriously.

- No. What ifyou had committed suicide?

Think, think ifyou didn't

exist, how the world

would suddenly change in

ways you can't imagine.

Oh, my God. You knowwhat?

You sound like that movie they ram

down your throat every Christmas.

- What?

- What ifthe guardian angel

had saved Jimmy Stewart,

and Jimmy Stewartwas the

guy who smoked in bed,

and he lived and caused a

fire that killed 60 people? So?

How about that? Everybody's

life is still worth saving?

Even if it's Christmas?

Come on, seriously.

You must have a very dim

view of the human race.

Oh, the human race. They've had to install

automatic toilets in public restrooms,

because people can't be

entrusted to flush a toilet.

Come on, flushing a toilet!

They can't even flush a toilet!

Visiting time is over.

- What? You're kicking me out?

- Yeah.

- Seriously?

- Yeah. Absolutely.

All right, listen. Honestly,

I'm really sorry about all this

and is there anything I can

do to make this up to you?

Can I get you something? What can I do?

If I can everwalk again,

you can buy me dinner.

What do you do, Helena?

Me? I'm a psychic.

I'm sorry. Really?

I was born with a very rare

gift. I can see into the future.

Ifyou can see into the future,

how come you didn't know

I was gonnajump out a

building and land on top ofyou?

Maybe I did.

Happy newyear to you.

We're so excited. Howard

is selling the gym,

butwe're going to open up

an antique shop in Chelsea.

Yeah. Art deco. We're going to have a

wonderful collection of movie posters.

Can you believe this cracker?

This red state Neanderthal?

This mindless zombie of the

National Rifle Association?

My shrink says that the guns were all

a manifestation of my sexual inadequacy.

Yeah, if itweren't for sexual inadequacy,

the National Rifle Association would go broke.

He's moved in with Howard

Cummings, nee Kaminsky.

And not only is he sleeping with a

man, soon he'll be celebrating Purim.

More important, for the first

time in his adult life, he's happy.

I should have known why I was failing you,

Marietta, not fulfilling yourwomanly needs.

Which turned out to

be quite considerable.

Mine, too, but notwith the sex

I'd been raised to be attracted to.

You're like a changed man, John.

Yourwhole personality is sunnier.

If only it had been thatway.

I couldn'twhen I was making love to

Rate this script:1.3 / 4 votes