Whatever Works Page #9

Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle?

I've heard of it, yeah.

You know, the observer

influences the experiment?

It'sjust like

when my mother makes love to

one ofthe guys she's living with

a certain way when they're alone,

butwhen she's in front ofthe

other guy, she does it differently.

Is that Heisenberg?

I had no idea he was so sexual.

Wait. I always carry

some Viagra with me.

That's all right. I

eat a lot of red meat.

I really like the way these pants fit.

Hey, are you okay? You

seem awfully quiet lately.

Yeah.

We're going to be late

for Mom's gallery opening.

I hope you're not coming

down with anything.

You know, Brodsky's

kid's got the measles.

Can you still get the measles?

I had a shotwhen I was younger,

but how long does it last?

Who's that?

I don't know. I'm not expecting anyone.

- Melody!

- Daddy!

Oh, my little girl, I found you!

Oh, Lord, your mother and I searched and

searched, but then we ran out of leads.

I used every connection

I had at the police force.

We even called the FBI! But you're okay.

Things are going to be fine

now. Your ordeal is over.

What ordeal?

You were abducted! Tell

me if my theory is correct.

You were chloroformed

by polygamous Mormons.

They took you offto be someone's bride!

I was not abducted. Didn't

anybody read my letters?

Yeah, but I assumed you were

forced to write them at gunpoint.

- Who's this?

- Who are you?

- This is Boris, my husband.

- Boris, yourwho?

He's my husband. I'm

Mrs. Boris Yellnikoff.

- Who are you?

- I'm her husband.

You want to pass out here

or go in the living room?

Where's your mother?

What do you care? You

cheated on her and then

dumped her for Mandy

Blackburn, of all people!

I made a terrible mistake, I

committed the sin of self-indulgence.

I've come to beg your

mother's forgiveness.

- You mightwant to rethink that, Daddy.

- I want to see her.

I see death by culture shock.

You can tell me, Melody, she

has every right to hate me.

And she does, believe me.

I can handle the

truth. Does she hate me?

Well, itwas a pretty awful thing

you did with her best friend.

- Then she hates me? - Yes, yes,

she hates you! I can't stand this.

I hate you and I just met you!

Lord, you tell me this

creature took you to bed?

- No, no, no, no. Actually, she took me.

- Yeah, when I met Boris, he hated sex.

Yeah, think of it, Mr. Celestine.

The absurd choreography,

like a sewing machine, up and

down, up and down, up and down,

toward what end? Making more children?

What the hell are you talking about?

Reproducing the species over

and over. Toward what goal?

Carrying outwhat moronic design?

- What happened to Mandy?

- Itwas a mess, a nightmare.

Lord, I've sinned! Please forgive me.

Why do all the religious psychotics wind

up praying at my doorstep? Can you tell me?

Lord, in Your infinite

mercy, I've done wrong.

- You want to tell him, or should I?

- Tell me what?

Daddy, there's nobody out there!

Honest. You're praying to no one.

You're wasting your breath, just like

you're gonna be wasting it on Mom.

What? You're telling

me she met another man?

- Notjust a man.

- What?

Daddy, you couldn't expect her to not, you

know, move on with her life and, you know...

Oh, Lord. What's he like?

He's got four arms and two noses.

You better butt out, stranger!

Melody will tell you I don't need my

shotgun to be a whole passel oftrouble.

Now, I want to see Marietta!

Now, Dad, try and remember,

you haven't seen Mom in a year.

A year is not forever. How

much can a person change?

And with that, they entered the gallery.

I had more people than

I knewwhat to do with.

Everybody said, "I'll be naked with

you, Marietta!" And I was like, "Okay. "

Oh, my God.

Marietta?

John Celestine! Look

what the cat dragged in.

- Marietta, what happened to you?

- Oh, my God!

Well, darling, it's you that absconded.

- He showed up at the door today.

- Whoa, whoa. "Absconded"?

Yes, yes, with the promiscuous whore

- who called herself my best friend.

- Darling, I'll be...

I'll find you. Excuse me. Pardon me.

It's over, Marietta. Mandy and I were a

terrible mistake. I've come back foryou.

Well, honey, I'm in the

middle of my opening.

Yeah, Dad, this is Mom's

exhibition. Isn't it great?

- Exhibition ofwhat?

- Well, the collages.

What? She's thinking of

buying this pornography?

I got news foryou,

she's the pornographer.

Marietta, who are you?

John, you never understood me, honey.

Your vision never extended

beyond the backyard.

You always had your gun clubs and

your fishing trips and football.

You never took a little

minute to find out about me.

And you were always too

busy putting her in pageants

and coaching her speeches and

teaching her baton twirling!

Yes, yes, that's true. I was

sublimating my own creative needs

and forcing them on our daughter.

- You were what?

- Yes, she was sublimating.

Sublimating.

Honey, why don't you go

on back to Mandy Blackburn?

Her pygmy mentality is

much closer to you now.

- Much closer.

- Yeah. Well, I can't go back to her.

- Oh, why not?

- She cast aspersions on my manhood.

What are we talking? Size?

Duration? Erectile dysfunction?

Would you mind your own business?

Marietta, how could you forsake your own

family? I want us all back home to start over.

I'm a differentwoman, John.

I can't believe what

I'm seeing. I mean...

Your clothes are different, your

speech is a little more affected,

but deep down, I knowyou're the same

pretty, small-town, God-fearing,

churchgoing, pie-baking...

I'm living with two guys.

...Girl Scout mom. You're what?

I'm an artist. I don't bake

pies. I don't go to church.

I do collages, sculpture, photography.

I live in Manhattan

with two men who I love

in a very happy mnage trois.

- A what?

- We all sleep together.

A mnage trois.

I knewwe should never

trust the goddamn French.

It's amazing, Melody.

Thousands ofyears ago, ancient

peoples, Egyptians, Romans, Mayans,

were walking home, just like us,

discussing where should they

eat or making small talk.

"Hey, we just bought a great

house on the Nile with a yard,

"overlooking the

Pharaoh's new pyramid. "

- Boris...

- Or, "My physician says

- "peacock tongues are bad foryour heart. "

- Boris...

Or, "I'm worried I can't get my kid

into a really good Aztec preschool. "

What the hell does it

all mean now? Zilch.

But they thought itwas important.

Boris, can I talk to you for a minute?

And I was raised in a religious home.

Job's wife was my favorite character

in the Bible, because she chose death

rather than obsequious acceptance,

like that masochist she married.

Boris, Boris, can we

sit down for a second?

Well, butwe have to go home.

I know, but come here.

I have to say something.

Butwe always go home now.

I know. I know. I knowwe

have a standard routine.

I need to have my drink, and a shower.

And, you know, you see it as routine,

but for me the consistency helps

Rate this script:1.3 / 4 votes