Whatever Works Page #8

Well, you know, nothing

lasts forever. Not even

Shakespeare or Michelangelo

or Greek people.

I mean, even as we're standing

here talking right now,

we're just flying apart

at an unimaginable speed.

- Gee, I never thought of it thatway.

- Yeah.

Should we be holding each

other so we don't fall?

Well, you have to hold onto whatever

love you can in this cruel existence.

Speaking of love,

I've been in love with you ever

since that first moment I sawyou,

and met your mother at the

Mogador Caf many months ago.

Oh, you're... You're...

- Did my mother...

- Randy James.

Oh, the actor! Of course.

I can hearyour accent now.

Oh, my mother talks

about you all the time,

and she's always telling

me I have to meet you

and I'm saying, "Why? Why

do I have to meet him?"

"But he's so good-looking!"

And, yeah, you are.

Thank you. I've moved to

NewYork permanently now

and I live in a houseboat

with a friend of mine.

- You live on a boat?

- Yes, I do.

I'm very romantic by

nature, so I live on a boat

and I read and think

and play my flute...

- Mom?

- Oh, be still, Melody.

There's nothing wrong with expanding

your horizons. I certainly expanded mine.

You knowwhat? I'm really sorry, but...

I think that my mother badly

gave you the wrong impression,

because I'm happily married.

No, no, no, no, no, no, she's not,

Randy. She's nursemaid to a roach. He is.

Goodbye, Mother. Goodbye, Mr. James.

I told you you'd get the hang of it.

Okay, you knowwhat?

Let'sjust stop. Let's stop.

- Let's stop. Yeah, yeah, yeah, stop, stop.

- Stop?

- Yeah. I need to sit for a minute.

- All right.

You know, I'm just doing it for the

aerobics, anyway. Otherwise, it's moronic.

I think it's relaxing.

Relaxing? What? Are you

kidding? It's too nerve-wracking.

To mingle with all those sub-mentals

on bicycles? It's like driving a car.

Those hostile, belligerent

morons all get driver's licenses.

Of course, to have children, you don't

need a license. No proof of anything.

You need a license to fish. You

need a license to be a barber.

You need a license to sell hot dogs.

You know, you read about these

poor kids, beaten and starved,

you wonder, why are these

parents allowed to even have them?

Okay, Boris, Boris.

You know, sometimes I think you're so

determined not to enjoy anything in life,

just out of spite.

You know, like a child

who's throwing a tantrum,

because he can't have his own way.

Wow! Listen to you!

That's a reasonably wise insight for

a simple-minded type like yourself.

Honestly. Yeah, you surprise and

delight me sometimes, you know that?

I really don't knowwhat I'd

do without you, seriously.

What are you doing with that?

This? Nothing. I just

got it at the flea market.

- Who needs an antique handkerchief?

- I thought itwas pretty.

Yeah, but God knows throughout

history who blew his nose in it.

- Marietta? Honey?

- Yes, darling?

I think you should include these

photos at your opening nextweek.

- I love those photos. Al, what

do you think? - I chose those.

- Oh, you did?

- Absolutely.

- Sweetheart, you've managed to make...

- Thank you.

...an existential statement about

- sexual perversity and human freedom.

- Who? Yes.

- It's so full of erotic imagination.

- Okay, hold on a sec.

- Oh, thank you so much! Thank you!

- Marietta?

- Who is it?

- Somebody named Randy Jones?

Oh, Randy, Randy James.

Hello? Hello? Hey!

Young man, hello, hello!

Listen, she's going to be

at Uniqlo at around 3:00.

You can run into her and try your luck.

You know, she saved the handkerchief you

gave her, so it's not a hopeless cause.

And I'm telling you, I saw fire behind

her eyes. Fire. Yeah. Good luck, darling.

- Who was that?

- Oh, nothing. Come on, gumbo! Let's go.

Who'd have ever thought that gumbo

would become my favorite dinner?

All this and she cooks, too.

Oh, my God! Hello.

So I guess you just happened

to be shopping here. Right?

Well, I was buying this

shirt, ifyou must know.

You like it?

- It's okay.

- Just okay?

I thought it'd make me look dashing.

Looks aren't your problem.

Oh, no? What is?

You're too forward.

- I think about you a lot.

- Well, I don't think about you.

So what's it like being

married to a genius?

Who wants to know?

I'm sorry. I don't mean

to be a boor, I just...

Just that, well, you know.

It has its pluses and minuses.

Yes? And what are the drawbacks?

I don't know. I mean...

Well, naturally, with

a very advanced mind,

you find a lot ofthings

wrong with everything

and, mainly, he just

doesn't like people.

You know, he says at

the rate they're going,

they're going to make

themselves extinct.

Right.

It can just be exhausting being

around a genius all the time.

So what are the pluses of being

the wife of such a dazzling mind?

- Well, he's smart.

- You said that.

He's clever.

He really means well, you

know? He'sjust a little crazy.

I guess the good part is

that I'm the wife of a genius,

which I never really

thought I could swing.

Why not?

I guess I thought I'd

have to be smarter.

You want to see my boat? I mean,

my friend's boat, where I live?

- I don't think that's a good idea.

- I dreamt about you last night. I...

Don't use that line. Because Boris

said that he dreamt about me last night.

And I really doubt it's

mathematically possible

for me to be in two dreams at one time.

It's down there, on

the right-hand side.

Well, this is it. It's not much, but

it's home and I don't pay rent, so...

This is kind of sweet,

living on the water.

It rocksjust the tiniest bit,

so I sleep like a baby on it.

Randy, I don't knowwhat

I'm doing here! I'm married!

That doesn't mean I can't

have feelings foryou.

You don't really know me.

Yes, but I'm a romantic and I

believe in love at first sight.

Well, that's true. You know,

Boris says that love isn't logical.

And I adore the way you talk

and the funny things you say.

Where can it lead?

Let's drink to love at first sight.

I can't. When I drink, I get

very silly and touchy and...

That's what your mum said. That's why

I bought the bottle. She's quite a mum.

Don't use that locution.

It's for inchworms.

Sorry.

Is that you in the picture?

Yeah. That's me in Juno and the Paycock

I bet you're a really good actor.

I try. Although I'll never be a genius.

You certainly are handsome

enough to be a star.

Thank you. I'll cherish that compliment.

- Oh, my God.

- What are you thinking?

- Entropy.

- Entropy?

Yeah, entropy. Boris explained it.

It's why you can't get the

toothpaste back in the tube.

You mean,

once something happens, it's

difficult to put it back the way itwas?

I mean, Boris says

love is all about luck.

I think so, too, but

isn't thatjust because

we're young and we think

we're going to live forever

and then we grow old

and get diabetes, and...

Maybe.

Look, I do agree there's not much you

can be sure of in this world, but...

Have you ever heard of

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