Whatever Works Page #7

Face it, Melody, Boris is

not like a real husband.

He's more of an outpatient

and you're his keeper.

I really wish you hadn't showed up, Mom.

- His name is Randy Lee James.

- Who?

This delightful young actor. He

fell in love with you at first sight.

- He did. He did.

- Mom, I'm married!

I refuse to recognize it. What are

you doing with a gimpy chess bum

who has to sleep with the light

on? How'd he get that limp?

He jumped out the window

and his suicide didn'twork.

Well, you can'twin

them all. Now, listen,

I have a good lawyer who

can get all ofthis annulled.

- All of it. Yes. Yes.

- No, no, Mom, no, you're crazy!

Oh, hello.

Happy birthday, dear

Boris Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, dear Boris

Happy birthday to you

- Who could be calling at midnight?

- Could be burglars, casing the place.

- To steal what? Your Flomax?

- Hello?

Oh, hi.

Yeah, just a second.

- It's for me?

- Yes.

Don't give away any

information about me!

Hello? Oh, hello, Leo.

- It's Leo Brockman.

- Brockman?

Really?

Well, that sounds wonderful.

Well, yeah, Sunday's fine. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. See you, darling.

"See you, darling"? "See you,

darling"? Oh, God, poor Brockman!

Good night, y'all.

I'm going to say my prayers.

I'm praying Brockman has herpes.

Thatwas so wonderful! I never in my

life saw a movie in Japanese before.

- Did you like it?

- Oh, yes!

I've never seen a movie

made by a foreigner.

John, my husband, took me to see

stupid movies, which was all there was.

How do you say this? "Chateau" what?

Meyney.

- The what?

- Meyney.

- Meyney?

- Yeah.

- It is so delicious.

- I'm glad you like it.

What do you do? What do you do, Leo?

I teach philosophy at the

university around the corner.

Tell me something. Is

Boris really a genius?

There was a time when he

was a very fine physicist.

Yeah, your daughter's very good for Boris.

It's my theory that she keeps him going.

Would you like to see some

pretty pictures of Melody?

Goodness.

- Well, all right.

- Okay.

Look, here they are. Look at these.

Right there, that's

where she is Miss Natchez.

- Wow.

- Look at her. And she was Miss Tupelo.

Oh, God! Look how gorgeous she is! She's

so beautiful. I love her! I love her!

- Very lovely.

- I was so proud of her.

These pictures are kind of interesting.

I know! She'sjust gorgeous!

And she has this...

She'sjust my little sweet pea.

I mean the photos. Did you take them?

- Yes. Yes.

- And this?

That's our house. Well,

itwas. Is there more wine?

Yeah. You took all these?

Yes, with my little old Kodak.

These are outstanding. I mean, there's

such a sense oftexture and composition.

In these? No.

No, I mean it. I knowwhat

I'm talking about.

I occasionally write about

the aesthetics of photography.

Oh, my God. I have

to tell you something.

Aside from Melody's career, there is

nothing, nothing in the whole world

that gave me more pleasure

than taking those snapshots.

Of course, John... Cheers. John

hated them and didn'twant me to do it.

- Why?

- Well,

he actually was fine, and

then I set up this darkroom

and he thought I was, like,

squandering all this time on silliness

and I guess he had a point, but...

I mean, nowadays, who

uses a Kodak anymore?

It's a little Kodak, and I have

to tell you something, it is...

It is so simple to use. It's tiny!

I picked it up at, like, a garage sale

and itjust is so much better

than those big foreign ones.

No, they're pretty good. They've got a real

haunting quality. They're very primitive.

I really think you should talk

to my friend Al Morgenstern.

He runs a photography gallery.

- Why?

- Have you got more ofthese?

Oh, Lord, yes. You know, all

my travels with the pageants.

I have the kids and the towns

and the winners. And the losers!

The losers are the best. And

then I have all these show folk,

the twirlers, the magicians, the fire

eaters, you know, things like that.

They're amazing. They've

got such an original quality.

I'll talk to Al first

thing in the morning.

Oh, no. You know, I think

you're making too much

over a little gift the

good Lord Jesus gave me.

That's not the only gift He gave you.

You know those clean-cut, churchgoing

young men, who are model kids,

and good to their neighbors

and quote the Bible,

and never do a wrong

thing, and then one day,

forwhatever reason,

they grab a rifle, go to a tower

and pick off everyone in town?

Okay, this is her, but sexually.

She sleptwith Leo Brockman,

never having been to bed with

anyone before but her husband,

and suddenly, the genie

was out ofthe bottle!

She liked sleeping with Brockman, and she

liked sleeping with Brockman's friends,

Brockman's acquaintances, Brockman's

acquaintances' acquaintances.

Brcckman took her photos to

Morgenstern. He loved them.

He decided to show them in his gallect.

When he did, evectone thought they

were great. A brilliant primitive.

Soon Morgenstern would

become smitten with her.

First she moved in with Brcckman.

Then she moved in with Morgenstern.

Then she moved in with

Brcckman and Morgenstern.

She started dabbling with collages.

Small ones at first, but

they would become bolder.

She started dressing differently.

Soon all her deep-rooted beliefs went

right down the toilet, where they belonged.

She experimented with exotic

pleasures. A new Marietta was born.

The one thing that remained

constant, she hated her son-in-law.

- Well, there's some pictures over there.

- Yes, maybe that. Okay.

- What do you think, Mom? - I'm not

sure, you know, it's for this collage,

and I've had this vision in black

and white of nude men, women,

body parts, squares.

That sounds confusing.

- Well, it's an homage to lust. Yeah.

- To lust.

Excuse me.

Hi, I need a female opinion.

Which ofthese two would a young

woman prefer? I can't decide.

I don't know. They're both so beautiful.

It depends. What type is she?

Well, she's quite young

and very lovely-looking.

Blonde hair. Blue eyes.

Yeah, butwhat's she like?

Well, okay. She's from the South,

although she lives here in NewYork now.

- Really?

- Yeah.

And she's a nanny. I mean,

well, to tell you the truth,

she's actually living with some man.

I mean, they're married, although

he's not the best she can do.

And she thinks she loves

him, but it's only because

she mistakes his pessimistic

despair forwisdom,

believing he's a genius.

I'd say she's more of a nurse to him than

a wife, because he's much older than she is.

That sounds so familiar.

I just can't... I can't

put my finger on it.

- It's sort of like mine, actually. Yeah.

- It is?

I mean, not exactly, but I can't

help but seeing some similarities.

- I'd say that one.

- Okay.

Here.

- Here what? For me?

- It's foryou.

Yes, I thought I'd buy

you something lovely.

Oh, no, I can't accept

a gift from a stranger.

- Well, why not?

- I'm married.

Yes, but it may not last forever.

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