Whatever Works Page #6

The police looked for clues.

Everything led to a dead end.

Howwe worried. I developed

crow's feet from the worrying.

Now look here. I had a little work done.

Mother, I left you a letter.

I told you I'd be all right.

Melody SaintAnne, I'd

hardly call this all right!

Well, what's wrong with it?

What's wrong? What's

happened to your senses?

Everything's wrong. You're

living like a sharecropper.

But it's clean as a whistle.

I clean it myself every day.

You clean? You don't have a woman?

Boris can't really afford help.

- Who?

- Boris.

- Who's Boris?

- My husband.

- What?

- That's right, Mama, I got married.

- And he's taken you to live here?

- No, no, I moved in with him.

I have to have a drink.

I need to sit. I need an anesthetic.

Okay, okay, have a seat. We

don't have any bourbon or nothing.

Just bring me the drink with the

highest volume of alcohol you have.

You know, Mama, I'm kind of happy.

Kind of happy?

You leave a loving home in Eden,

run offwith some crazy kid, I'm

guessing he's a rock musician

who can't earn a respectable

living, and you wind up

in this decadent city,

living in a rattrap.

This is exactly why I ran away.

Why, why, Miss Sweet Pea? Why

did you forsake your loving home?

Because, Mama, you're...

You're overbearing. That's

it. You're overbearing

and you fail to see the big picture.

What big picture are you talking about?

I don't know.

All I know is that nothing moves

faster than the speed of light,

so you may as well relax.

I'm just gonna have a

little moment of prayer.

Mama, you're still caught up

in that Christian superstition?

Happy birthday to you

What's that?

That's Boris.

It's his birthday?

No, he'sjustwashing his hands.

Happy birthday, dear

Boris Happy birthday to you

Who's this?

Boris, this is my mother.

Mother, my husband.

Mama! Mama!

Walk her around, she's

obviously a boozehound.

Mama, are you all right?

- Did he drug you?

- What?

- Are you on sodium pentothal?

- No.

That's what they do,

the secular humanists.

It's uncanny. She's exactly

the kind of moron you described.

You are not the

gentleman I was expecting.

I'm sure not. I'm sure you'd be happy

if she married the guy who caught the

biggest catfish in Plaquemines County.

I'd be happier if she

married the catfish.

No, you see, Mama,

Boris is a genius. Okay?

He doesn't have a lot of

patience for us inchworms.

- We, we inchworms.

- We.

Some genius.

I was almost nominated

for a Nobel Prize.

That's right, Boris. And whatwas

it for again? Best Picture?

I need more booze.

You know, you never

said howyou found me.

Oh, Melody. I have a

sad tale to tell you.

What happened, Mama?

Your father left me.

- Aren't you shocked?

- No.

And with who, of all people?

- My best friend, Mandy.

- Your best friend, Mandy.

- How did you know?

- Oh, Mama.

Itwas as plain as the nose

on your face. Clich, sorry.

At first I thought he

was acting peculiar,

because things was going

so bad for us, darling.

How often did you have intercourse?

Are you going to close

that insulting mouth?

By bad, I mean he lost a lot of money

in the stock market afteryou left

and we were forced to sell the house.

- You sold the house?

- I'm sorry, yes. We took a beating,

because we were so desperate.

And then he lost hisjob, the

company went out of business.

And then we spent all our

savings on medical bills,

'cause I came down with

a case of the shingles!

- Oh, my God.

- Christ, this is like Job. No locusts?

Darling, I turned to Jesus in a

deeperway than I had ever done in my life.

I prayed and I prayed,

every day and every night,

asking God to help me.

Let me guess what happened,

your shingles gotworse.

I said, "Lord, just give me one sign

that all my suffering is for a purpose. "

I said, "Please, God,

just say something. "

"Break your silence. I

can't take any more misery!"

Nothing, right? And all that money

you put in the tin box every Sunday.

Abortion is murder, that's

the long and short of it.

- That's how I feel. Well...

- Even if the woman is raped?

Why are you wasting

your breath, Brockman?

You're dealing with an aborigine.

You don't mind killing the unborn,

butwhen some fiend

has raped and murdered,

you're against giving him

that big old injection?

Well, not me, Mr. Genius, and I don't

care how many Academy Awards you've won.

I've neverwon an Academy Award and

I've never played for the Yankees!

- Where's the little girl's? Thank you.

- It's back there.

Don't forget to sing The

Star-Spangled Bannerbeforeyou sit.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

I realize this is forward, butwho's

that beautiful young girl you're with?

May I ask why you want to know?

Well, because she's very beautiful.

And I'm assuming she's your daughter?

What did you say your name was, darling?

- Randy. Randy Lee James.

- Randy Lee James.

Nice to meet you.

It's too good. I think they're

putting mayonnaise in here.

- No, they can't put mayonnaise in hummus.

- Hello.

Oh, thank you.

- Who were you talking to?

- I wasn't talking to anybody. Nobody.

Listen, listen, I want

to go someplace fun.

Take me someplace fun!

It's NewYork! Let's go.

Boris, where can I take her that's fun?

How about the Holocaust Museum?

- Oh, for God's sake, Boris.

- No.

- Oh, the wax! The wax figures.

- Oh, yes.

- Yes, yes, let's go. Come on.

- Let's do that.

- Itwas so nice to meet you, Leo.

- You, too. Have a nice day.

- Bye. Bye, bye.

- Bye.

Have fun!

You know, I have to say, even with

a textbook right-wing mentality,

your mother-in-law has

beautifully shaped breasts.

You know, you're a man of learning,

of cultivation of aesthetic sensibility.

This is what you take away

from the school-prayer hokum

and "my country right

orwrong"? Her bosom?

It's notjust her bosom. Her behind

is also beautifully contoured.

Well, I'm sure you'll have no

problem getting her into bed.

She's vulnerable, she's stupid

and she's been abandoned.

Personally, I lose

all erotic inclination

when the woman's a member of

the National Rifle Association.

It's pear-shaped.

Degas used to distinguish between an

apple-shaped behind and pear-shaped.

And I'm a big fruit eater.

- Melody.

- That's so weird.

Oh, my God. Oh, hello.

- They're made out of real wax, too.

- Oh, it's Billy. Billy...

Billy Graham!

Oh, sweet pea, sweet pea, this is the

kind of man you should be married to,

not that Communist who

sings Happy Birthday

every time he washes his hands.

How long are you staying, Mom?

Honey, I don't knowwhere else to go.

I have nothing to hold onto.

Nothing! I have to have something.

I mean, I'm never going to attract

a man again, but you can. Yes.

I don'twant to get in an argument.

Honey, I met a young man

today who is perfect foryou.

- Mom!

- Yes. Listen to me.

He is talented, handsome, sweet,

and he has the proper reverence

for life and its higher purpose.

What are you talking about?

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