Whatever Works Page #5

What did you say?

That it should include people that

don't pick up after their dogs,

people who ride their bikes on the sidewalk,

people who call mothers "moms" and...

I can't remember them

all, you have so many.

- How do I look?

- Subnormal.

Why? What's wrong?

That's an awfully aggressive ensemble.

You looking to wind up

in an abortion clinic?

I want to look nice.

Just kind of give him an idea ofwhat he

might be in for if he plays his cards right.

Oh, yeah? What's he in for?

All the stuffwith a

woman that you reject,

because you're a genius

and you're above it all.

But I happen to be pretty sharp, too,

and I have a natural talent

in the field of fooling around.

Yeah, well, I just hope

you're saving your money

so you can move out quickly, you

know, now that you're working.

- Hi, Perry! - Hey. Sorry I'm late.

I got stuck on the train.

No, it's fine. Come on in.

This is Perry.

Hi. Your daughter is very

lovely, Mr. Celestine.

I'm not her father.

Grandfather?

Perry, I told you I was

staying with a friend.

So what do you do, Perry?

He's studying. Investments

and investing things.

You got any

identification?

- Pardon me? - You know,

driver's license, birth certificate.

No, sir. I never carry around my

birth certificate. Why would I?

Be careful, Bundy

sometimes posed as a banker.

I'm just gonna go finish getting

ready. I'll be right back.

Melody tells me you're

a very brilliant man.

If an IQ of 200 is brilliant.

She explained to me your theory

about life being meaningless.

Don't let it spoil your evening.

- Okay, let's go, Perry.

- Okay.

Hey! Come here.

- Don't give him any information about me.

- Like what?

You know, dates, credit card

numbers, blood type, things like that.

Goodbye, Boris.

Oh, and hey, if I'm not here

when you get back, don'tworry.

Oh? Where are you going?

- Out.

- Okay, fine.

- Yeah, I have friends, too.

- Okay. Yeah.

I even heard the opening's

supposed to be good.

Yeah, they are. Have

you seen them before?

No, no. This is my

first concert in NewYork.

You didn't tell me that.

Get the hell out of here. In America,

they have summer camps for everything.

Rich kids, basketball camp, magic camp.

- Tennis camp.

- Tennis camp. Movie director camp!

They should have a concentration camp.

Two weeks mandatory

for all kids growing up,

so they would finally understand

what the human race is capable of.

Brilliant! Exceptwho'd send

their kid to a concentration camp?

A responsible parent who wants

their child to grasp reality.

All right, all right, let's change the

subject. Meanwhile, Harry Lawson died.

- Harry Lawson?

- Yeah, I heard.

- Yeah. Just celebrated his 51st birthday.

- Really?

- What a great chemist.

- But he was a smoker.

A smoker. The minute a person

dies, he's a smoker or overweight.

Hey, I got news foryou, thin

non-smokers die, too. Okay?

Abstinence isn't going to save you.

You're pleasant tonight.

- What are you talking about?

- Where's Melody tonight?

She's out listening to some

eardrum-busting bilge posing as music.

I thought you were

going to kick her out.

Well, hopefully this guy tonight

will take her off my hands.

You know, why not? I mean, she's pretty.

Now she's pretty?

What? I'm just saying she's not

atrocious-looking. That's all.

I'd say a seven or eight.

Anybody here?

- Oh, you're up!

- Yeah, I just got in.

And what did you do?

I went dancing at a Latin

club. Itwas limbo night.

Shut up!

You were talking about people

and politics and all that

stuff you guys like to hate.

Howwas your date?

- Itwas a big washout! Yeah.

- Really?

This particular rock band wasn't any good?

I don't know howyou can differentiate?

No! No, the musicwas fine.

- Just that guy and his friends! I just...

- What?

Well, his taste! He

just... He likes everything.

Life, love, human beings!

And the couple thatwe double-dated

with, they were just protons!

- Protons?

- Do I mean protons?

Cretins!

Cretins, that's what I mean. Yeah, they didn't

know the first thing about string theory.

I think you're a little drunk.

I did have a few drinks.

But can you blame me? Hanging

outwith those inchworms?

I mean, they actually think that

love is the answer to everything.

I told them about Jethro

Paige from back home.

He got caught doing itwith a

sheep. Making love with a sheep.

And they were all

laughing and everything,

but I just looked at

them and said, "Folks,

"as Boris would say, whateverworks. "

- What are you looking at?

- Unbelievable.

The chance factor in

life is mind-boggling.

You entered the world

by a random event

somewhere along the Mississippi.

I, having emerged through the conjoining

of Sam and Yetta

Yellnikoff in the Bronx,

decades earlier.

And through an astronomical

concatenation of circumstances,

our paths cross.

Two runaways

in the vast,

black,

unspeakably violent

and indifferent universe.

Can you believe I married

her? What possessed me?

This search in life for something

to give the illusion of meaning.

To quell the panic.

All right, so it's been a year.

Three hundred and sixty-five

days of married life.

And you knowwhat? Not the

worst year of my life, either.

What are these?

- They're grits.

- Seriously?

They're actually disgusting.

She's cheerful, not demanding.

Okay, not as brilliant as Jessica, but

not as ambitious and predatoct, either.

Jessica's prcblem was she made up

in ego what she lacked in superego.

But not Melody.

She likes being a nanny. She's

happy with other people's kids,

so mercifully she doesn't

bother me about having our own.

Once a week we see a movie.

Maybe she doesn't understand

evectthing I take herto,

but she tries and she's a good sport.

She sits up nights with me

when I have my panic attacks.

She keeps me company

at the emergency rcom

when I'm convinced my

mosquito bite is a melanoma.

Yes, my life is circumscribed,

but I manage to avoid stress.

I've achieved a delicate balance.

And as long as I can maintain it,

I feel less inclined to ending it.

Oh, no, no, no.

- Unacceptable. Come on, this is not good.

- What?

I like music I can dance to.

I know, I know, but this is brutal.

Here, you knowwhat I want you to do?

Put this on. Okay? And then when

I come out, we'll discuss it.

All right, I'll try.

It's Beethoven's Fifth!

Think of the music as

fate knocking on the door.

Maybe a little story will

help you appreciate it.

Fate knocking on the door.

- Mother?

- Melody!

Oh, it's you!

- Oh, my God.

- It's my baby!

I finally found you, praise Jesus!

How did you find me?

Oh, my prayers were finally answered!

I can't... You're just the

last person I expected to see.

Well, when you least expect it, fate

has a way of knocking on your door.

Yeah, it does. Okay. Oh, you have a bag.

What are you doing here?

- Well, I was trying to find you, honey.

- Why?

- I came to find you, honey!

- You did?

Oh, we searched and searched.

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