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Whatever Works Page #5
What did you say?
That it should include people that
don't pick up after their dogs,
people who ride their bikes on the sidewalk,
people who call mothers "moms" and...
I can't remember them
all, you have so many.
- How do I look?
- Subnormal.
Why? What's wrong?
That's an awfully aggressive ensemble.
You looking to wind up
in an abortion clinic?
I want to look nice.
Just kind of give him an idea ofwhat he
might be in for if he plays his cards right.
Oh, yeah? What's he in for?
All the stuffwith a
woman that you reject,
because you're a genius
and you're above it all.
But I happen to be pretty sharp, too,
and I have a natural talent
in the field of fooling around.
Yeah, well, I just hope
you're saving your money
so you can move out quickly, you
know, now that you're working.
- Hi, Perry! - Hey. Sorry I'm late.
I got stuck on the train.
No, it's fine. Come on in.
This is Perry.
Hi. Your daughter is very
lovely, Mr. Celestine.
I'm not her father.
Grandfather?
Perry, I told you I was
staying with a friend.
So what do you do, Perry?
He's studying. Investments
and investing things.
You got any
identification?
- Pardon me? - You know,
driver's license, birth certificate.
No, sir. I never carry around my
birth certificate. Why would I?
Be careful, Bundy
sometimes posed as a banker.
I'm just gonna go finish getting
ready. I'll be right back.
Melody tells me you're
a very brilliant man.
If an IQ of 200 is brilliant.
She explained to me your theory
about life being meaningless.
Don't let it spoil your evening.
- Okay, let's go, Perry.
- Okay.
Hey! Come here.
- Don't give him any information about me.
- Like what?
You know, dates, credit card
numbers, blood type, things like that.
Goodbye, Boris.
Oh, and hey, if I'm not here
when you get back, don'tworry.
Oh? Where are you going?
- Out.
- Okay, fine.
- Yeah, I have friends, too.
- Okay. Yeah.
I even heard the opening's
supposed to be good.
Yeah, they are. Have
you seen them before?
No, no. This is my
first concert in NewYork.
You didn't tell me that.
Get the hell out of here. In America,
they have summer camps for everything.
Rich kids, basketball camp, magic camp.
- Tennis camp.
- Tennis camp. Movie director camp!
They should have a concentration camp.
Two weeks mandatory
for all kids growing up,
so they would finally understand
what the human race is capable of.
Brilliant! Exceptwho'd send
their kid to a concentration camp?
A responsible parent who wants
All right, all right, let's change the
subject. Meanwhile, Harry Lawson died.
- Harry Lawson?
- Yeah, I heard.
- Yeah. Just celebrated his 51st birthday.
- Really?
- What a great chemist.
- But he was a smoker.
A smoker. The minute a person
dies, he's a smoker or overweight.
Hey, I got news foryou, thin
non-smokers die, too. Okay?
Abstinence isn't going to save you.
You're pleasant tonight.
- What are you talking about?
- Where's Melody tonight?
She's out listening to some
eardrum-busting bilge posing as music.
I thought you were
going to kick her out.
Well, hopefully this guy tonight
will take her off my hands.
You know, why not? I mean, she's pretty.
Now she's pretty?
What? I'm just saying she's not
atrocious-looking. That's all.
I'd say a seven or eight.
Anybody here?
- Oh, you're up!
- Yeah, I just got in.
And what did you do?
I went dancing at a Latin
Shut up!
and politics and all that
stuff you guys like to hate.
Howwas your date?
- Itwas a big washout! Yeah.
- Really?
This particular rock band wasn't any good?
I don't know howyou can differentiate?
No! No, the musicwas fine.
- Just that guy and his friends! I just...
- What?
Well, his taste! He
just... He likes everything.
Life, love, human beings!
And the couple thatwe double-dated
with, they were just protons!
- Protons?
- Do I mean protons?
Cretins!
Cretins, that's what I mean. Yeah, they didn't
know the first thing about string theory.
I think you're a little drunk.
I did have a few drinks.
But can you blame me? Hanging
outwith those inchworms?
I mean, they actually think that
love is the answer to everything.
I told them about Jethro
Paige from back home.
sheep. Making love with a sheep.
And they were all
laughing and everything,
but I just looked at
them and said, "Folks,
"as Boris would say, whateverworks. "
- What are you looking at?
- Unbelievable.
life is mind-boggling.
You entered the world
by a random event
somewhere along the Mississippi.
I, having emerged through the conjoining
of Sam and Yetta
Yellnikoff in the Bronx,
decades earlier.
And through an astronomical
concatenation of circumstances,
our paths cross.
Two runaways
in the vast,
black,
unspeakably violent
and indifferent universe.
Can you believe I married
her? What possessed me?
This search in life for something
to give the illusion of meaning.
To quell the panic.
All right, so it's been a year.
Three hundred and sixty-five
days of married life.
And you knowwhat? Not the
worst year of my life, either.
What are these?
- They're grits.
- Seriously?
They're actually disgusting.
She's cheerful, not demanding.
Okay, not as brilliant as Jessica, but
not as ambitious and predatoct, either.
Jessica's prcblem was she made up
in ego what she lacked in superego.
But not Melody.
She likes being a nanny. She's
happy with other people's kids,
so mercifully she doesn't
bother me about having our own.
Once a week we see a movie.
Maybe she doesn't understand
evectthing I take herto,
but she tries and she's a good sport.
She sits up nights with me
when I have my panic attacks.
She keeps me company
at the emergency rcom
when I'm convinced my
mosquito bite is a melanoma.
Yes, my life is circumscribed,
I've achieved a delicate balance.
And as long as I can maintain it,
I feel less inclined to ending it.
Oh, no, no, no.
- Unacceptable. Come on, this is not good.
- What?
I know, I know, but this is brutal.
Here, you knowwhat I want you to do?
Put this on. Okay? And then when
I come out, we'll discuss it.
All right, I'll try.
It's Beethoven's Fifth!
Think of the music as
fate knocking on the door.
help you appreciate it.
Fate knocking on the door.
- Mother?
- Melody!
Oh, it's you!
- Oh, my God.
- It's my baby!
I finally found you, praise Jesus!
How did you find me?
Oh, my prayers were finally answered!
I can't... You're just the
last person I expected to see.
Well, when you least expect it, fate
has a way of knocking on your door.
Yeah, it does. Okay. Oh, you have a bag.
What are you doing here?
- Well, I was trying to find you, honey.
- Why?
- I came to find you, honey!
- You did?
Oh, we searched and searched.
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"Whatever Works" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 29 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/whatever_works_23303>.
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