Whatever Works Page #4

left, and we can imagine the music.

We can pretend there's

a big orchestra ofviolins

and they're playing

just for us as we dance.

You know, it's been proven

television eats away the brain.

Oh, hi! Shoot, I was gonna surprise you!

What? What's all this?

I'm making you a special dinner.

- Really? For me?

- Yeah.

And me, 'cause we're celebrating.

We are? What is it?

- Crawfish! I found some at the market.

- Jesus. It's stinking up the whole house!

No, they're so good. You'll love them.

Listen, Melody,

seriously, we have to talk.

Oh, yeah. I know. We'll talk

over dinner. It's almost done.

Melody, you're a very nice

young woman. Really, very nice.

You have a lot of nice attributes,

but, you know, you just can't

continue to stay here ad infinitum.

Yeah, yeah, but that's

my news. Guess what?

I got ajob! I can start paying you rent.

Rent? I don'twant you to pay me rent!

I want my life back. What kind ofjob?

I start tomorrow as a dog walker.

A dog walker? Oh, my God. Seriously...

Melody, don't you think you should

go back home and finish high school,

maybe even go to college?

I thought the other night you

were talking about how America has

one ofthe worst education

systems in the Old West.

- No, no, the Western world.

- Yeah, right, exactly,

and how most collegesjust turn

out mindless zombie morons.

You could benefit from classes.

I think the crawfish are ready.

What is that song?

They played that song the first

time I went outwith Jessica.

- Where did you go?

- We went to a dance.

We were both students at

the University of Chicago.

She had a high IQ and a low-cut dress.

Boy, they really don'twrite

them like they used to.

Oh! That's a clich.

Good, Melody. You caught it.

Well, you always get

so mad when I do them.

Yeah, I shouldn't

really. Sometimes a clich

is finally the bestway

to make one's point.

Boris,

whatwould you say if I was to say

that I was developing

a little crush on you?

- I'd say don't.

- Why?

Because anything deeper, more significant

between us, is out ofthe question.

Because why?

Because it's too preposterous

to even dignity with an answer.

It is?

Every single thing is against it.

Our ages, our backgrounds,

our brains, our interests.

Not to mention, I have no desire to have

a relationship with a woman, any woman,

nor any urge to make love,

nor any desire to be anything

but isolated from the world.

And, you know, you're a beautiful girl

who should be meeting normal

healthy men and going out.

Yeah, but I don't like

normal healthy men.

I like you.

I... You're hallucinating! I'm

sure you'll make some man very happy

at a fish fry or a dog fight

or howeveryou people spend time.

You really think I'm beautiful?

I admit I didn't give you your

full due at first, physically.

However, as only a great mind can do,

I've reassessed my

position, and changed my mind.

So you could never think of marrying me?

Have you lost your mind?

Why on Earth would you even

fantasize about such a thing?

What could I offeryou, but a

bad temper, hypochondriasis,

morbid fixations, reclusive

rages and misanthropy?

And what could you offer me?

A character out of

Faulkner, not unlike Benjy.

The answer to your question is no.

I think you should stay here for

a while, accumulate some money,

and then find a place ofyour

own, and move on with your life.

Well, what about your life?

Let me teach you

something about love. Okay?

Naturally, there are exceptions

to what I'm going to say,

but they're the exception, not the rule.

Love, despite what they tell you,

does not conquer all. Nor

does it even usually last.

In the end, the romantic

aspirations of ouryouth

are reduced to

whateverworks. Okay?

Why do I think your bark

is worse than your bite?

Clich, Melody.

Oh, I don't care! Ifthe shoe fits,

wear it, and that's another one.

We need to talk for a minute.

Can you believe this little

inchworm setting her sights on me?

Yes, yes, we had some pleasant moments.

Some dinners, some walks in the park.

I gave her the benefit of my

vast knowledge and experience.

Tried to impart to her

the perceptions and values

of a truly original mentality.

I only wish I could

do a Pygmalion on her.

But if Henry Higgins ever tried to

transform Melody SaintAnne Celestine,

he, too, would have

jumped out the window.

Come on.

- Oh, boy! New friends.

- I'm sorry.

Oh, yeah. They like each other.

It's okay. I rather like dogs.

Well, I'm more of a cat person, myself.

I just do this professionally. Sorry.

I never met a professional dog walker.

Really? It's not really the

career that I want, but...

What do you want to do?

I'd like to work with children.

You're very pretty, you know that?

- Shut up! Thank you.

- Can I ask your name?

It's Melody. Melody SaintAnne Celestine.

What a beautiful name!

Mine's Perry Singleton.

- It's nice to meet you.

- Yes, nice to meet you.

May I walk along with you?

I don't see why not, you know,

since we're all doomed anyway.

- Pardon me?

- Well, you know, everything ends.

I don't think I follow.

Well, you know, it's like

the cosmos, or eternity.

Whichever's bigger. I just

know thatwe're all flying apart.

What is that? What is

that? Is that a move?

Well, I thought your bishop was...

My bishop what? What?

You patzer, you earthworm!

How many times do I have to tell

you? You don't take that pawn.

That's called the poisoned

pawn, because look!

- Boris!

- Look what happens!

- Sorry, Mr. Yellnikoff.

- Yeah, you're sorry,

you're sorry. Use your head

next time, you won't be sorry!

- Boris!

- Yeah. Do your homework nextweek.

Don'twaste my time.

- Hey!

- Poisoned!

I got offwork early today and I thought

maybe we could walk home together.

Maybe I can make black-eyed

peas and crab cakes for dinner.

- No, I'm not hungry.

- What's the matter?

- My ulcer's been killing me all day.

- I thought you didn't have an ulcer.

No, I said they can't find an

ulcer, not that I don't have one.

Those malpractice

medical mental midgets.

They drop that endoscope down my

throat and probe me like coal miners,

and they always come up with nothing!

Well, guess what happened today?

I got to talking to this boy on the

job, and he asked me out on a date.

Really?

I could tell he liked me right off

and we went and had coffee and

just had, you know, funny banter.

You knowwhat banter is,

it's like flirty talk.

Yeah, yeah, I'm familiarwith banter.

Yeah, so, anyway, he

asked if I had a boyfriend.

I said, "Not really. " He said,

"I'll pick you up Friday at 8:00."

What do you think?

Great. I just hope he's

not a Ted Bundy, you know.

A who?

You have to keep an eye

out for serial killers.

He's not a serial killer. At

least he didn't mention it.

Yeah, well, you have to be careful.

Sometimes they put you in the trunk

of a car and you can't breathe.

I'm not... I'm serious.

I told him your theory

about capital punishment.

Rate this script:1.3 / 3 votes