Whatever Works Page #4
left, and we can imagine the music.
We can pretend there's
a big orchestra ofviolins
and they're playing
just for us as we dance.
You know, it's been proven
television eats away the brain.
Oh, hi! Shoot, I was gonna surprise you!
What? What's all this?
I'm making you a special dinner.
- Really? For me?
- Yeah.
And me, 'cause we're celebrating.
We are? What is it?
- Crawfish! I found some at the market.
- Jesus. It's stinking up the whole house!
No, they're so good. You'll love them.
Listen, Melody,
seriously, we have to talk.
Oh, yeah. I know. We'll talk
over dinner. It's almost done.
Melody, you're a very nice
young woman. Really, very nice.
You have a lot of nice attributes,
but, you know, you just can't
continue to stay here ad infinitum.
Yeah, yeah, but that's
my news. Guess what?
I got ajob! I can start paying you rent.
Rent? I don'twant you to pay me rent!
I want my life back. What kind ofjob?
I start tomorrow as a dog walker.
A dog walker? Oh, my God. Seriously...
Melody, don't you think you should
go back home and finish high school,
maybe even go to college?
were talking about how America has
systems in the Old West.
- No, no, the Western world.
- Yeah, right, exactly,
and how most collegesjust turn
out mindless zombie morons.
You could benefit from classes.
I think the crawfish are ready.
What is that song?
They played that song the first
time I went outwith Jessica.
- Where did you go?
- We went to a dance.
We were both students at
the University of Chicago.
She had a high IQ and a low-cut dress.
Boy, they really don'twrite
them like they used to.
Oh! That's a clich.
Good, Melody. You caught it.
Well, you always get
so mad when I do them.
Yeah, I shouldn't
really. Sometimes a clich
is finally the bestway
to make one's point.
Boris,
whatwould you say if I was to say
that I was developing
- I'd say don't.
- Why?
Because anything deeper, more significant
between us, is out ofthe question.
Because why?
Because it's too preposterous
to even dignity with an answer.
It is?
Every single thing is against it.
Our ages, our backgrounds,
our brains, our interests.
Not to mention, I have no desire to have
a relationship with a woman, any woman,
nor any urge to make love,
nor any desire to be anything
but isolated from the world.
And, you know, you're a beautiful girl
healthy men and going out.
Yeah, but I don't like
normal healthy men.
I like you.
I... You're hallucinating! I'm
sure you'll make some man very happy
at a fish fry or a dog fight
or howeveryou people spend time.
You really think I'm beautiful?
I admit I didn't give you your
full due at first, physically.
However, as only a great mind can do,
I've reassessed my
position, and changed my mind.
So you could never think of marrying me?
Have you lost your mind?
Why on Earth would you even
fantasize about such a thing?
What could I offeryou, but a
bad temper, hypochondriasis,
morbid fixations, reclusive
rages and misanthropy?
A character out of
Faulkner, not unlike Benjy.
The answer to your question is no.
I think you should stay here for
a while, accumulate some money,
and then find a place ofyour
own, and move on with your life.
Well, what about your life?
Let me teach you
something about love. Okay?
Naturally, there are exceptions
to what I'm going to say,
but they're the exception, not the rule.
Love, despite what they tell you,
does not conquer all. Nor
does it even usually last.
In the end, the romantic
aspirations of ouryouth
are reduced to
whateverworks. Okay?
Why do I think your bark
is worse than your bite?
Clich, Melody.
Oh, I don't care! Ifthe shoe fits,
wear it, and that's another one.
We need to talk for a minute.
Can you believe this little
inchworm setting her sights on me?
Yes, yes, we had some pleasant moments.
Some dinners, some walks in the park.
I gave her the benefit of my
vast knowledge and experience.
Tried to impart to her
the perceptions and values
of a truly original mentality.
I only wish I could
do a Pygmalion on her.
But if Henry Higgins ever tried to
transform Melody SaintAnne Celestine,
he, too, would have
jumped out the window.
Come on.
- Oh, boy! New friends.
- I'm sorry.
Oh, yeah. They like each other.
It's okay. I rather like dogs.
Well, I'm more of a cat person, myself.
I just do this professionally. Sorry.
I never met a professional dog walker.
Really? It's not really the
career that I want, but...
What do you want to do?
I'd like to work with children.
You're very pretty, you know that?
- Shut up! Thank you.
- Can I ask your name?
It's Melody. Melody SaintAnne Celestine.
What a beautiful name!
Mine's Perry Singleton.
- It's nice to meet you.
- Yes, nice to meet you.
May I walk along with you?
I don't see why not, you know,
since we're all doomed anyway.
- Pardon me?
- Well, you know, everything ends.
I don't think I follow.
Well, you know, it's like
the cosmos, or eternity.
Whichever's bigger. I just
know thatwe're all flying apart.
What is that? What is
that? Is that a move?
Well, I thought your bishop was...
My bishop what? What?
You patzer, you earthworm!
How many times do I have to tell
you? You don't take that pawn.
That's called the poisoned
pawn, because look!
- Boris!
- Look what happens!
- Sorry, Mr. Yellnikoff.
- Yeah, you're sorry,
you're sorry. Use your head
next time, you won't be sorry!
- Boris!
- Yeah. Do your homework nextweek.
Don'twaste my time.
- Hey!
- Poisoned!
I got offwork early today and I thought
maybe we could walk home together.
Maybe I can make black-eyed
peas and crab cakes for dinner.
- No, I'm not hungry.
- What's the matter?
- My ulcer's been killing me all day.
- I thought you didn't have an ulcer.
No, I said they can't find an
ulcer, not that I don't have one.
Those malpractice
medical mental midgets.
They drop that endoscope down my
throat and probe me like coal miners,
and they always come up with nothing!
Well, guess what happened today?
I got to talking to this boy on the
job, and he asked me out on a date.
Really?
I could tell he liked me right off
and we went and had coffee and
just had, you know, funny banter.
it's like flirty talk.
Yeah, yeah, I'm familiarwith banter.
Yeah, so, anyway, he
asked if I had a boyfriend.
I said, "Not really. " He said,
"I'll pick you up Friday at 8:00."
What do you think?
Great. I just hope he's
not a Ted Bundy, you know.
A who?
You have to keep an eye
out for serial killers.
He's not a serial killer. At
least he didn't mention it.
Yeah, well, you have to be careful.
Sometimes they put you in the trunk
of a car and you can't breathe.
I'm not... I'm serious.
I told him your theory
about capital punishment.
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"Whatever Works" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 22 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/whatever_works_23303>.
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