Whatever Works Page #3

I didn't play for the Yankees!

I was being sarcastic before.

- Oh, you... I took it seriously.

- Yes.

I usually getjokes. At the church's

social, I was the comedian twice.

- I've a way with jokes. Yes.

- Really?

- Spare me and just get out.

- No, Mr. Muggeridge...

Stop calling me Muggeridge,

okay? I already explained that!

I know, I know. I'm sorry. I just...

I just need a place to stay for a

few nights, till I get on my feet.

I don't have anywhere to go.

And ifyou throw me out and I

wind up an Asian prostitute,

that's gonna be on your conscience.

I give up. Sleep on the couch, imbecile.

I'm too tired to prolong this brutal exchange

between a bedraggled microbe

and a Nobel-level thinker.

- Keep out of my way.

- I will, I promise.

I'm just gonna use the

little girl's to freshen up,

and then I'm gonna go right to sleep.

Yes, yes, use the little girl's. Freshen

up. Don't forget to tip the attendant.

- I won't. Thank you so much, Mr...

- Oh, what?

- You were going to say Muggeridge again?

- No!

It's Boris Yellnikoff! You call

me Muggeridge one more time,

I'm gonna throwyou

out the goddamn window.

- Do you mind if I watch a little TV?

- Yes, I do, simpleton.

I just like to turn some

on at night to unwind.

Yeah. You touch that dial, I'll unwind your

head with my bare hands. How about that?

- Did you hear about Boris?

- What?

I tried to call him yesterday

and a woman answered the phone.

No! Who is she?

He got conned into

letting some little runaway

bed down in his apartment while

she looks for ajob and gets settled.

Apparently she's never

been to NewYork before

and she's asked him if

he would show her around.

- Boris is going to be sightseeing?

- Yeah.

- Not a chance.

- No way.

No way.

My whole life I've lived in NewYork,

I neverwanted to go to Grant's Tomb.

- Now I knowwhy.

- Why?

I should never go to a tomb, ever.

My mom brought me up to believe that

the good Lord has a plan

thatwe're all a part of.

- He has His eye on the sparrow.

- Yeah, I pity the sparrow.

I'm not getting into

heaven, though. I sinned.

You? You're kidding. You sinned?

I made love before I was married.

Oh, my God.

Plenty of my friends have, but in

my house, that'sjust unforgivable.

I just couldn't resist Bobby Klaxon.

All right, okay, spare

me the details, all right.

No, itwas really beautiful!

I mean, he wasjust

this pretty boy guitar player

in this amazing rock band.

I mean, ifyou think you're a

genius, he can double on the drums.

- No! Doubles on drums?

- Yeah.

All the girls had a crush

on him, but he liked me.

He was so sweet and sensitive,

and he caught the biggest

catfish in Plaquemines County.

I wondered who caught that catfish.

Hey, you know, my mom always told me

that itwas gonna hurt the first time,

you know, she said itwas, you know,

it's a woman's duty to just

lie down, bear it and...

You know, she said there were a lot of

perversions involved, and that, you know,

it's God's will, you shouldn't do it

unless you were married and

you planned to have kids and...

She said it could be dangerous,

but I just felt like itwas

the most natural thing in the

world. You know, itjust felt right.

And all the little extras were just

fun. Itwasn't complicated at all.

And I think Bobby really liked it, because

he was going to dump his Betty Jo Cleary,

this girl he was going steady with.

But I wouldn't, I wouldn't hear of it.

Itwasjustwhat itwas, you know, itwas a

nice moment behind the tent at the fish fry.

That is the most disgusting

story I've ever heard.

You and this adenoidal guitar player slaking

your lust at some barbaric social function.

You don't like to make love?

No, I do not. No.

That's crazy!

Boris, do you want to

be buried or cremated?

All right, I really don'twant

to talk about that. Okay?

- I think I want to be cremated.

- All right, will you shut up, cretin?

There's no worms.

- What is this?

- A knish.

And what's it made of?

I've been eating these things

foryears, they're delicious.

I don't knowwhat's in them.

I don'twant to knowwhat's in

them. Don't even talk about it!

- Oh, my God! The horror! The horror!

- Boris!

- Are you all right? What happened?

- No, I'm not all right.

- Are you sick?

- No.

Did you have a bad dream?

Yeah, itwas terrible.

- Come here. It's okay.

- Oh, I can't...

Oh, baby, you're

sweating. Come sit down.

Night sweats. I get them.

I used to think itwas AIDS, but it'sjust

that I have a morbid fear of the dark

- and you turned my night-light

off! - Oh, I'm sorry.

Does your stomach hurt?

Could it be the kwish?

Knish! Not kwish.

Well, here, I'll put something on TV.

- I saw the abyss.

- Don'tworry, we'll watch something else.

- Oh, this is...

- Yeah.

Fred Astaire. Yeah.

Leave that.

That's good. Leave that.

There, that's it, okay? Can

we get the hell out of here?

Oh, my God, that's it!

It's the actual one!

I've only seen it in pictures!

"Bring me your tired, your

poor, your huddled masses... "

I'm surprised you know

that, terrible as it is.

I closed with it for the Miss Greenwood,

Mississippi pageant. I think it's so moving.

But the huddled masses were

neverwelcomed with open arms.

Soon as they came over, each ethnic

group was metwith violence and hostility.

Each one had to claw

and fight its way in.

People always hated foreigners.

It's the American way.

Our pageants like to focus on

the positive things aboutAmerica.

Yeah. The blacks were kidnapped

from Africa! Chained in ships!

My daddy says that America

bends over backwards

for the blacks because we

feel guilty, and it's crazy.

Oh, yeah, your daddy. Your daddy's a

cracker. He's a bigot moron. Your daddy!

Well, you're probably right,

'cause you're a genius,

but for a little Mississippi girl

like me, this is really exciting!

So what kind of genius are you, anyway?

- What kind?

- Yeah, what are you genius at?

Quantum mechanics.

Yeah, butwhat field? Like, music?

When you see kids tossing a ball, does

it ever make you miss spring training?

All right, I've never played for

the Yankees. Do you understand that?

I have never played any sports

whatsoever in my life! Okay? Ever!

Joe, Leo, you gotta help me

out. I can't take it anymore.

- Just kick her out.

- Can you believe it's been a month already?

- A whole month? God, time flies.

- Well put.

Well, at least is she pretty?

- She's won some beauty contests.

- No.

Tall? Short? Blonde? Describe her.

Well, she's blonde.

Nice height. Nice eyes.

Didn't quite realize how blue

they were that first night.

Her face is a little more symmetrical

than I had originally conceived.

She's not a ten. In a pinch, six.

- Good in bed?

- Howwould I know? I justwant her out.

- Can I ask you to dance with me?

- It's too crowded.

I don't mean now. In a few minutes,

the dance will be over

and evectone will go home.

Well, the band will go home, too.

Why, there'll just be the two of us

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