Whatever Works Page #2

Botanically speaking, you're

more of a Venus flytrap.

You are a very difficult

man to live with.

- Is thatwhy you had an affeir?

- I didn't have an affeir.

Itwas a brief interlude of

infidelity, and it happened years ago.

You still can't forget it!

I see everything so

clearly now. Everything!

- I married you for all the wrong reasons.

- What's that supposed to mean?

You're brilliant. I

wanted someone to talk to.

You loved classical music, you

loved art, you loved literature.

You loved sex! You loved me!

Those sound like pretty

good reasons to me!

Yes! Exactly! That's the

problem! That's the problem!

Itwas rational, it made sense!

I don't knowwhatwentwrong.

When you examine it, there

is so much right about us.

On paperwe're ideal.

But life isn't on paper.

Boris? Boris, what are you doing?

Close the window!

Boris!

Can you believe I hit the

canopy? I hit the goddamn canopy.

Months in the hospital! Moron

doctors! Look. Look at this limp.

I never had a limp before.

Meanwhile, I divorced Jessica,

moved downtown and gave up.

I eke out a meager living teaching

chess to incompetent zombies.

Checkmate, you little patzer.

Hey! He's only eight years old, Mr. Yellnikoff.

You're supposed to be teaching him...

He'll be an incompetent idiot at 58.

More important than how I make my

living, is why I bother to live at all.

Nights, I have trcuble sleeping

and hang out on Mott Street,

tcting to explain to cretins that while

a black man got into the White House

he still can't get a cab in New York.

Almost 100 years after

the abolition of slavery,

a man couldn't play a game of baseball in

the big leagues if his skin colorwas black.

You're harping on one point.

Oh, good. Okay, forget

blacks. Take Jews.

- What?

- Here we go.

Foryears they restricted the number

of Jews in schools, medical schools.

In America, as much as they hated

blacks, they hate Jews even more.

Blacks they were scared had too big a penis.

Jews they hated, even with little penises.

For God's sake, I'm eating here.

You! I've been looking foryou.

- I want to talk to you.

- Who are you?

Did you pick up a chessboard full of pieces

and hit my son with it at his lesson today?

That idiot's your son?

Do me a favor. Don't send

that cretin to me anymore.

I can't teach an

empty-headed zombie chess.

I'll have you know that

he is a very bright child.

In your opinion. In your opinion.

Which is skewed, because

he's your unfortunate issue.

So you threw a chessboard at him?

I didn't throw it at him.

I picked up the board and

dumped the pieces on his head

as an object lesson to shake

him out of his vegetable torpor.

You wait until my husband

gets back from Florida.

- What's he doing in Florida without you?

- He will punch you in the nose.

Her husband's in Fort Lauderdale.

He's probably hanging outwith

naked coeds on spring break.

He tells her it's a business trip.

Your son's an imbecile. Teach

him tiddlywinks, not chess.

You handled that beautifully, Boris.

You know, you should open the

Boris Yellnikoff Charm School.

Let's get out of here.

It's late. I'm tired.

Good night, Boris.

What? What are you doing?

Where are you going? That's it?

- Sir?

- Hey! What?

What the hell are you doing? My

God, you scared me. For God's sake!

You creep up on me like that, you

little vagrant. What do you want?

Can you help me get something to eat?

Oh, God, no, I don't carry

any money. Now, come on,

you can tell that to your

partner, wherever he's hiding.

- Please, I'm so hungry!

- Back up! Back up!

I haven't had anything to eat all

day. I think I'm going to faint.

Yeah, listen, I'm wise to

that scam, little girl, okay?

I know about professional beggar school.

Please, I'm desperate.

God, stop that! You look

terrible! What's wrong with you?

Just... All right.

Come up for two minutes.

That's it. And then...

- And then go.

- Thank you!

Two minutes, okay? That's it.

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, dear

Boris Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, dear

Boris Happy birthday to you

Is this your birthday?

You don't knowyou have to sing Happy

Birthdaytwice to get the germs off?

You said you were

starving. What do you like?

I like oysters, blackened redfish,

gumbo, crab legs, black-eyed...

Are you nuts? What do you think

I'm running? A Creole restaurant?

- How about a can of sardines?

- Oh, yes, please.

Gumbo. So what's your name?

Melody. Melody Celestine.

Melody Celestine.

Melody SaintAnne Celestine.

It's French. My mama's

family was from New Orleans.

I'm from Mississippi, Mr...

Muggeridge. Lionel Muggeridge.

Mr. Muggeridge.

Eden, Mississippi. You ever hear of it?

No, I haven't. Not even the people

who live there have heard of it.

So...

So what are you running away from?

Home.

Could you be more specific, Melanie?

Melody. Melanie was

from Gone with the Wind.

Oh, yeah. I preferred the

one who played Scarlett.

Why? Melanie was the nice

one. She marries Ashley.

Ashley. What an imbecile!

I couldn't stand him, I

couldn't stand his wife,

that goody two-shoes, sexual nothing.

Scarlett, b*tch that she

was, with those green eyes...

You know, I came in first dressed as

Scarlett O'Hara in one ofthe pageants.

Pageant?

My mom always used to keep me

busy in all these beauty contests.

That's why I didn't

get to schooling much.

All right, my advice

to you, go back home.

Oh, no, I'm never going back home.

You're a brainless little twit who

won't last three days in NewYork.

You'd be dead now of starvation if I

hadn't a heart as big as all outdoors.

I can't go back home, Mr. Muggeridge.

- All right, stop calling me Muggeridge.

- But that's your name.

No, it's not my name. My

name is Boris Yellnikoff.

I was using an alias. I thought, who knows,

you might be from the Taliban or something.

Can I stay here?

Stay here? What are you?

Nuts? How old are you?

- I'm 21. -

Twenty-one? Yeah.

You're 21 like I play for

the Yankees. Twenty-one!

You're a professional

athlete with that limp?

- Oh, Christ!

- All right, look, I don'twant to go back.

Okay? I want to make a

new life here in NewYork.

You'll wind up a prostitute, like those

Asian girls who come here full of high hopes.

And then they wind up

turning tricks to keep alive.

And many ofthem are

actually good-looking.

That's so funny you just mentioned

tricks! You know, I do magic.

I do. I can showyou. I just need...

Do you have any silk handkerchiefs?

Yeah, you know, some

other time, you're...

Look, you're a sweet kid.

Stupid beyond all comprehension,

but you'll never survive here. You

got nothing going foryou. Zero. Zilch.

You know, you may be beauty

contest material in the Deep South,

but this is the big time.

Here, you're a three.

A five maybe afteryou bathe.

Did you get that limp

playing for the Yankees?

Imbecile child. Brainless inchworm.

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