When Evil Calls

Come out, come out,

wherever you are.

Gugenheim.

Gugenheim!

When we get a hold of you,

we're gonna kick the sh*t out of you,

you little runt.

Gugenheim?

What kind of f***ing

stupid name is that?

I didn't mean to scare you.

Calm down, cool your boots.

It's all right.

Don't be scared,

I'm not gonna hurt ya.

Those...

bullies chased you

down here, didn't they?

Come in.

I don't bite...

much.

I'll bet you wish that you were popular,

don't you, Gugenheim?

Yeah.

I used to as a kid.

Let me tell you, it's not all

that it's actually cracked up to be.

Don't actually believe me,

do you, Gugenheim?

Let me tell you something

that's absolutely f***ing true.

You see, because for 20 long,

hard, arduous years,

I tidied up after you

little f***ing snot rags!

And boy, oh, boy, have I f***ing seen

some things around here, mate.

Oh, yes.

Nothing quite as strange

as that little Samantha Neil.

Oh, yeah.

Maybe then, Gugenheim,

you wouldn't be in such

a hurry to be popular.

I suppose it started on a day like...

any other day, really.

Hey, I was looking for you everywhere.

Why didn't you wait for me?

You go on ahead.

Daniel!

Who the hell are you?

You're the Headmaster's daughter.

Freak.

I wish I was popular.

Who's that?

You want a balloon?

Gimme, gimme.

I wish to be popular.

At any cost?

You don't believe me,

do you, you little sh*t?

Oh, Samantha.

Well, what happened to Samantha

was that she set in motion

a sequence of events that would...

change everything that she believed in,

with the power...

of a tiny little wish.

Cheers.

It was the very next day...

Hey, you all right?

Maybe with a bit of make-up,

you can look really hot.

Be careful with that.

If you spill it on your skin,

it will burn it right off.

You are pretty.

Pretty f***ing ugly!

Help me.

Wait.

We need some help!

Miss!

Now that's what I call a bad trip.

See, well, I'm sorry,

I was playing words...

bad trip, trip bad, acid bad,

trip bad, bad.

You know what?

F***ing forget it.

It's all right.

Anyway, now, that's not the end.

Now, Victoria we'll get back to later on.

Well, you see,

the next person to...

get the text was Neville.

Now, Neville...

he was covered all over his face

by these spots and boils

the size of f***ing marbles.

Every time he'd smile,

which was very rare,

one would burst.

It was f***ing disgusting.

Disgusting!

Now let me tell you.

Hey, Samantha.

Hey, Sam.

It's Sam.

Hello, Pizza Boy.

Looks like some

of your cheese is melting.

Did anyone order a margarita?

You just bought yourself a detention, Miss.

Usual time, usual place.

You're dead meat, crater face.

No, please!

Please!

Ah, sh*t!

It looked like those rats

had a little tale of their own to tell.

Rats, tail, you see.

For f***'s sake,

will you just climb into...

into the spirit of things?

F***ing hard work,

do you know that?

Where was I?

Oh yeah, Kirsty.

That Kirsty was a...

really nasty piece

of work.

Neville, of course,

was a little boy she used to bully.

Now, there was this little fleshy fat, fat,

fat, funky chunker.

He was just dying

to lose some weight.

Oh, you're gonna get the "dying" pun

once I've told you the story.

It's not f***ing rocket science.

Use your imagination, for f***'s sake.

Fat Boy.

Hey, darling.

When's the last time

you saw your dick in the shower?

I'll join you.

I'm hungry.

Now, that is one fatty

who is now a little flatty.

It's lovely, that is.

Oh, yeah. Where was I?

Now, it was

about this time

that Detective Ringwald

turned up on the scene.

Cheers.

You're so sexy.

Good morning, sir.

How are you today?

Good.

I've arranged to meet

the Headmaster, sir.

The Headmaster.

All right.

Hello, I'm Detective Nelson.

Detective.

This is the Headmaster.

Headmaster, this is

Detective Ringwald.

Detective.

He says something is very wrong here.

Surely he doesn't...

Surely you don't suspect foul play?

There's nothing going on

here in the school

that we can't handle in house.

Now, gentlemen, if you'll excuse me...

I must get on.

What does that mean?

Thank you for your time.

Nutter.

Yo, Molly?

Shut up, Molly.

Come here, you.

What are you doing, kissing my Molly?

Come here, you.

You f***ing a**hole.

You kissing my girl, yeah?

You see, Kenny...

just wasn't woman enough for Molly.

Now, see,

I think her heart belonged to Kirsty.

Now, if the thought

of those young student hot bodies

gets you all hot under the collar,

you wait until the next story.

It's gonna have you... dribbling.

Shouldn't you be in class?

Right!

Headmaster's office!

Come on!

Outrageous!

Look at me when

I'm talking to you, Martin.

You can't just go screaming

at Mr. Dale, you know.

He gets very upset.

He's actually a rather sensitive man.

Aren't you, Mike?

So, are you going to tell me

what this is all about?

I can wait.

Here's your father.

Perhaps you'd like to tell him.

Martin.

All was laid bare in that tale.

I mean Martin was one kid...

who learned the naked truth.

You got to be very careful

with your wishes.

Charlie.

Now, Charlie wanted

to cheat in his exams.

The thing that you can't cheat...

is death.

Ross.

Let me copy you.

Mr. Parker, I'm watching you.

Pathogens and disease,

I forgot to revise that.

The best I'll be able to get is a B.

My parents will kill me.

I can't get a B.

It's unfeasible.

Hold on.

It's my fault.

I made the wish.

I asked to see into his brain.

Quoi?

Quoi?

How is it your fault, son?

He's just suffering from shock, that's all.

Now, that's really got to hurt.

Oh, yeah, remember...

Victoria?

Well, now.

Victoria got offered a wish

she could hardly refuse.

I wish... I was beautiful.

You're beautiful to me.

Mrs. Hooper!

You forgot your bag.

Now, Detective.

I'm not an expert at jigsaw puzzles.

Can you give me a hand?

...ad Dominum et Spiritus santi.

She is at peace now.

She looks so beautiful.

She does.

Now Victoria really is

drop-dead gorgeous.

Dead gorgeous.

See what I did there?

Now, of course,

then there was Hilary,

who also wasn't very happy

with the way that she looked.

But her...

chances of survival

are very slender,

as her weight

is about to be slashed

due to the very real danger

of dieting.

Looks like that Hilary gave her right arm

to lose some weight.

That b*tch was really...

cut down to size, wasn't she?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Are you feeling a bit peckish?

Would you like a sandwich?

Don't be shy.

Tuck in, there you go.

Tuck in.

Oh, you're enjoying that,

aren't you?

Yeah, well I got another tale...

for you to chew on.

Good day, sir.

I gotcha.

There we go.

Nice to see you looking well.

Okay.

This way.

Close the school, eh?

Yes, sir, yes.

Are you insane?

That kind of publicit

could ruin a place

like this, you know?

And on what grounds, raison,

do you expect me to do it?

What? What grounds?

Look! Look!

Yes, I can read.

That's just pure clumsiness.

Students, let me tell you,

are always killing

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