When In Rome Page #4

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on my hands right now.

I just lost the centerpiece to my show.

- Beth?

- Celeste.

This is Mr. Al Russo, our newest patron.

He asked specifically to see you.

Of course. Hi.

- I'm sorry. Have we met before?

- In my dreams.

Beth has secured a rare Slater Bradley

as the centerpiece for our pain exhibit.

Actually, Celeste...

- Nick Beamon? Are you Nick Beamon?

- Yeah.

Nick the Hit! You want to talk

about pain, this guy...

- A million volts in the neck.

- That's fascinating.

Beth, you do have

the Slater Bradley, yes?

- Celeste, it's...

- My fault,

and I was meaning to tell you...

Actually, she has access

to something better.

- This is really not the time.

- An original Petrocelli.

The title of the photograph is Anguish.

It too has never been viewed in public.

A Petrocelli that's never been viewed?

That's right. Damian Petrocelli

agreed to give me the print

- and burn the negative.

- Why would he do that?

Because I happen to be

the subject of the photo.

And I'm willing to relive

that humiliation in public

because I know that

as long as Beth is involved,

it will be in good hands.

How about that private tour

we're gonna have?

Follow me.

including Czanne, Degas,

Manet, Picasso and Van Gogh...

They're just really nicely spaced.

You did such a great job.

Let me... I have something for you.

This is a gift for you.

My.

It's not from Tiffany.

- Sausage. That's your face.

- Yeah, that's it.

This may sound a little odd to you,

but encased meat is my life's work.

I am like a curator, just like you.

A curator of sausage.

- Well, passion is passion.

- That's exactly what I say.

There is not an emotion on Earth

that can't be expressed

through sausage.

And that bratwurst is saying,

"Hello, and thank you

for showing me the museum."

Who knew bratwurst

could even say all that?

- Beth.

- Please tell me you're here

because you have

a deep appreciation for modern art.

I have a deep appreciation,

but for you, Beth.

That's it. Tour's over.

I know it seems crazy.

It's crazy to me too.

Want to play cat and mouse?

I can play cat and mouse.

You forgot your sausages!

No.

- I'm so sorry.

- It hurts.

I'm so sorry. I didn't know

that was you. I didn't...

I'm really sorry.

It hurts so bad, but tastes so good.

- What is that, mint?

- It's breath spray.

You startled me, I didn't have

anything else. I am so sorry.

Can I see it? Take your hands away.

- You're gonna make it worse.

- I'm not gonna make it worse.

Don't be such a baby.

I really feel awful.

I did not know

that it would hurt that bad.

It doesn't hurt that bad.

I was just playing.

You think you're real charming,

don't you?

- Little bit.

- Yeah. Well, you are. OK?

- What?

- OK.

Where are you going?

I know your type of guy, Nick.

And what type is that?

Come on. The girl in the red dress

kissing you at the fountain?

- You saw that?

- Yeah.

That's why you've been cold

the last couple of days.

Is that so hard to believe?

That was Umberto's crazy cousin, OK?

You know the blood runs hot

in that family.

Yeah, you seemed so sick about it.

I was a little sick about it.

Especially after I met you.

Wait!

No. Let's go this way.

- Hey, Beth! It's me, Al Russo!

- Let's cross.

Wait one second.

- One second!

- I'm sorry, Nick! I gotta go!

- Just...

- I'm sorry. I gotta go.

Hold on! Beth! Beth, wait.

I did not see that one coming!

OK, Lance, you can do this.

Just have to believe.

I will do the Great Mummy Escape,

and Beth will love me.

This worked for Houdini,

it should work for me.

OK, here she comes.

Well,

I don't know, Joan. OK?

I don't know what I believe anymore.

All I know is that this is crazy,

and I need it to stop.

We told you this would happen.

OK, then what is it gonna take

for me to end this little nightmare?

You have to return the coins

to the Fontana d'Amore.

Wait, that's it?

And spell broken,

and these guys leave me alone?

I'm overnighting you

the coins right now.

That's no good. She needs

to return the coins herself.

I cannot just fly back to Italy to put

some magic coins into a fountain.

There's got to be another way

we can handle this.

- Try and enjoy the attention?

- Joan...

Beth! It's me, Lance.

I'm setting a record for you.

I know this looks scary and dangerous,

but if I can do this,

get out of the straitjacket...

Stop! Stop!

What are you doing in my apartment?

Blowing your mind!

No one's ever done the Mummy Escape

in under 3 minutes.

- Juan, what's my time?

- 3 minutes and 53 seconds.

I don't know. That felt pretty tight.

Are you sure you timed that right?

You know, you want to find the rabbit,

you got to work the hat.

You're just not putting in

the hours, bro.

- Not in front of my girlfriend.

- Who the hell is that?

That's Juan, my assistant.

He's just been video chronicling

all my illusions. Anyway...

Both of you, out of my apartment, now.

No, wait. Now listen up.

My goodness.

Your perfume is intoxicating,

and your hair smells like cinnamon!

Get out!

Hey, Nick... Douche.

You get those old Giant photos

I asked you for?

I am a professional photographer.

I'm not your girl Friday, OK?

I would appreciate some respect,

but yes, here.

Or, in lieu of respect, I'd appreciate

you and me chatting up 2 ladies

and leaving the one that knows more

about Wookiees alone with this.

I'm not gonna be able

to make that party.

What? No, Saturday night

is the ESPN party.

That's a work and play event, dude.

My God. It's the girl.

- The museum girl, isn't it? I knew it.

- You don't understand.

You should see this girl.

I can barely keep up with her.

She's smart.

She's beautiful. She's funny.

My God, no.

Stop it! Stop liking her!

Do not go any further until I can do

a little recon on this girl.

Recon? What are you, black ops?

No, absolutely not.

What do you really know about her?

I'm not going to let my boy

go in there blind.

- Puck! No!

- No?

- No!

- No?

- No.

- How about yes?

OK, go.

[Katy Perry:
If You Can Afford Me]

Hey! Look at you!

Look at me, we look great!

I can't jog. I have a weak hamstring.

It's OK. I nearly die. But I...

Robert Longo,

Kiki Smith, Carl Riddle...

That looks great!

Let's be beautiful together.

Where you going? Beth!

It's gonna come back around

in 4 minutes.

It's gonna be great!

I can explain.

There's a nude mural of you

on 82nd Street. Should we start there?

I know. That is actually a funny...

- Could we start somewhere else?

- Flowers everywhere!

A sudden, unexplained change in

the program for the Circle of Gold gala.

I need to have confidence

in my curators, Beth...

You wouldn't believe if...

You're right.

- I'm sorry.

- You promised me this program

- would go off without a hitch.

- It will.

Let me be perfectly clear.

If it doesn't, I'll see to it

that the only artwork

you're ever allowed near

are the velvet Elvis paintings

for sale in Times Square.

- Got it?

- Yeah.

This is gonna be

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