Whipped Page #2

I don't give a sh*t.

Say it.

All I want to know is,

have we found a prospect yet?

-A prospect?

-For what?

You know, the plan.

The triple team some chick plan.

-You still caught up in that sh*t?

-It'll be f***ing great.

The three of us and some hottie,

doing high-fives over her back.

The ultimate sexual plateau.

F*** the plan.

I'm just trying to find

some chick I can relate to.

What?

-Some girl I actually respect.

-Why can't we find girls like us?

Dude, all girls masturbate.

F*** you. That's not what I meant.

Why are you always...?

Im kidding. I understand

what you're saying.

It'd be cool to find a hot chick

that also cared about

the same sh*t we do.

Some little snappy you don't

want to kick out of bed

-right after you throw your web.

-I hear you.

-Is that too much to ask?

-Good f***ing luck.

What?

Oh, no.

-Who the hell invited him?

-I did. He used to be one of us.

Exactly, he used to be.

Then the a**hole got married.

When you pass the ring,

you lose the sting.

You might as well chop

your dick off at the altar.

-Hi.

-Hey, Eric. Have a seat.

Zeke, Brad. What's up?

Same old.

What the f***'s that?

My wife says I have

chronic halitosis.

She makes me spray this sh*t

into my mouth every hour.

Lend it to Brad.

F*** you.

Why?

Don't worry about it.

So,...

where you guys been?

I haven't seen you in forever.

Dude, you're married.

We no longer have anything in common.

Jesus!

Well,

-Im still the same guy.

-No you're not.

You're married. Face it.

You think I don't got stories?

About your wife?

Come on, that's nasty.

You saying we don't do kinky sh*t?

Im sure you do, but it's

like your wife, man.

That's got to be a bit sacred.

Yeah.

lf it was a girl we don't know,

then that'd be okay.

But your wife? That's sick.

That's where you're wrong.

Its way better because

it's totally uninhibited.

Like last night, we were

having sex in the kitchen,

and I started using

all the utensils.

We got this new juicer

and it's shaped like a carrot.

-I am bent over...

-Save it!

We had an entire line

of extra virgin olive oil.

Cut the visuals. We're eating.

Eric, did you say you had to

go somewhere this afternoon?

Yeah.

Dude, you should probably go.

I had to meet my wife

for brunch twenty minutes ago.

Brunch? You just f***ing ate.

Once you're married, you got to

do a lot of things twice.

Appease the little woman,

make her feel you care.

Man, that sucks.

Well,...

bye.

See you, Eric.

Jonathan, I want you to go

back over to that tree.

Wait about a minute.

Brad, you come up at the end.

You close the deal. You got it?

Its standard. Just don't

save the ugly one for me.

Dude, look at them.

They're all sitting down.

They could have fat asses.

Come on. They're going to leave.

Chill. Are you ready?

Yeah.

Break.

Women, men, nobody.

Above the knee, they get nasty.

Yeah, like they go down to the...

Hey, girls.

How you doing?

Good.

Is your name Kelly?

No, Stacey.

Stacey, hi. Im Zeke.

-Hi.

-Hi.

And your lovely friends?

This is Marie and Bristol.

Marie...

-...and Crystal.

-Bristol.

So...

So, those are interesting pants

you got there.

You like?

Stroke it.

Like is not exactly the word.

That's real crocodile leather.

Im most like Mickey Rourke

in "9 1l2 Weeks".

Let's face it, the man understands

the term "dominant male"

to the nth degree.

Not that I see myself as

the controlling freak he was.

You never know. Am I in control?

Am I not?

Not that Im a control freak.

I mean...

Control is very,

very important.

You always must keep the upper hand.

No it's not. Crocodile has scales.

-Oh my God! Zeke!

-Jonathan!

-I thought that was you.

-What are you doing here?

Just walking around.

Jonathan, meet Marie...

Hi.

-Kelly and Crystal.

-Hi.

-Stacey.

-Stacey, Im sorry.

Bristol.

How do you guys know Zeke?

We don't.

Maybe Andrew McCarthy in

"St. Elmo's Fire".

He was totally misunderstood

in that film.

Just because...

he had creative,

more intellectual interests,

everybody thought he was gay.

Im not.

Im not like that.

Its because Im single

and creative,

and I understand my feminine side

better than the next guy.

He just came over here

and made us feel his leg.

Hey, guys. What are you

doing in the park on Sunday.

Brad!

Who are these beautiful mommies?

Brad, this is Marie...

-Marie.

-Stacey...

Pleasure.

-And Crystal.

-Bristol.

Bristol.

Bristol.

I would have to say

Tom Cruise, "Risky Business".

He was stuffing Rebecca DeMornay,

drove a Porsche,

and he ran a clam house.

For Christ's sake!

Brad, get off the babysitter.

Scamming's not

the most important thing.

Its just something Im good at.

A good catch?

Yeah, I think Im a good catch.

I make a shitload of money...

Look at me!

Why is everyone so quiet?

Didn't anyone scam this weekend?

Zeke?

Of course. I just don't

want to talk about it.

What do you mean?

Isn't that the point of

coming here every Sunday?

Maybe I met someone I don't

feel like telling you d*cks about.

Just because you talk

about how you porked your wife

with a waffle iron,

doesn't mean I gotta tell you sh*t.

Excuse me for asking.

And it was a juicer.

So,...

was she hot?

I don't care about looks anymore.

Im over that superficial crap.

As long as she's got a great rack

and buns like a champ, Im happy.

Yeah, she was hot.

-You railed her?

-What?

You didn't rail her?

That's probably why you like her

and you're not talking about her.

-I didn't say if I railed her.

-Usually means you didn't rail her.

-Didn't rail her.

-Definitely didn't rail her.

Listen up, a**holes.

It was Thursday night.

I was back at the Bell Caf,

looking for the wonder twins,

when I suddenly I notice this

beautiful woman at another table.

Notice she's a woman

and not a hi-dee-hi-dee-ho.

What are you reading?

Now this girl was fly.

-She was that f***ing hot?

-Yeah.

The capper is, she was reading

Syd Field's screenplay book.

So?

So?

That's like the Bible

for screenwriters.

She's not only hot but got

the same interests as me.

Wait, did you say

you f***ed her in a field?

Yeah!

No, I said she was reading

Syd Field's screenplay book.

Who cares?

Did you f*** her?

No, look.

Have some f***ing respect.

I think I actually like this one.

-I knew it.

-Definitely didn't f*** her.

Did you get her back to your crib?

Of course.

-What are your legs?

-Steel springs.

-How fast can you run?

-Fast as a leopard. Gallipoli.

George, George, George, George.

Its Michael Dorsey.

Your favorite client.

"George of the Jungle"?

No.

"Tootsie".

You go.

What, I amuse you?

That's so easy.

"Good fellas".

Hey, wait.

Can't we just take it slow?

We can definitely

take it slow, baby.

She wanted me pretty badly,

but I thought it would be

best to take it slow.

I knew it.

lf he'd nailed her,

then she'd be nothing special.

But since he didn't f*** her,

he cares.

But I never get laid, and I never

care about most of my scams.

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