Whipped Page #3

You haven't f***ed and lost yet.

Once a chick plays you for

nothing more than a dick,

you'll toughen up and be able to

f*** and forget.

Yeah,

a chick's got to tease a dick

in order to be teased.

After a dick-tease, you'll be

working with an unteasable dick.

Nothing's penetrating that thing.

You got to fall off the bike

in order to get back on.

So I got to be f***ed and spit on,

before I can have feelings for

a girl by not f***ing her.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I get it now. Thanks.

Dude, you're up.

What are you thinking about?

What's on your mind?

Nothing.

Its just...

I may have met somebody I like

this weekend too.

No!

Dude!

Oh, my God!

Unbelievable!

I think Im getting a wood.

What is it about two chicks

grinding that turns me on?

This lesbian fad is awesome.

Holy balls!

Will you look at that?

Sh*t!

Hi.

Hi.

This chick was so hot.

She had the whole package.

She had a cock?

Yeah, she had a dick, dude.

Come on.

This is the kind of girl

Ive been looking for.

And she was digging your sh*t?

Of course she was.

Did you stuff her?

No, man.

Im kind of like you, Zeke.

I think I really like this girl.

She was more interested in

stocks and bonds and stuff.

Sounds like she was

interested in your wallet.

It wasn't like that at all.

I think she cared about me.

That's so great.

All right, so...

these are the revenues.

And these are earnings.

Exactly.

That makes sense.

Most chicks I date couldn't

give two shits about what I do.

All they want is a nice dinner

in some trendy restaurant

and a nice hard cock

at the end of the night.

They don't care what's

important to me.

Did she want the hard cock too?

No, man. This one was different.

We totally bonded.

I didn't want to sleep with her.

I could've talked all night.

That sounds like a lot of fun.

So...

you just talked all night?

No.

She smoked me.

But I could've talked all night.

Was she good?

I just told you I didn't f*** her.

No, was she good at smoking pole?

F***ing horny bastard.

She was all right.

She won't win any medals.

So she ain't no Hanna.

Sh*t!

Wait a second. Who's Hanna?

My God! I almost forgot about her.

You remember Hanna.

Hoover Hanna.

She gave Brad

the five hour blowj*b.

Bullshit. No f***ing way.

That chick could suck

a taxi driver through immigration.

After three hours, I got so hungry

I called Mr. Pizza.

The dude came into the room

as Hoover was gumming my knob.

She never knew he was there.

How did you last for five hours?

I was so boozed and tabbed up,

maybe 27 bongos on top of that,

now way I was gonna nut.

I was fortunate my wood

didn't go south.

Plus, she reminded me of my sister.

I couldn't get into it.

But enough about me.

Its time for you to bore us

with another spank fest.

What was her name this week,

Vaselina?

No, this week was different.

I was at the newsstand,

picking up some reading material

for the bathroom,

when out of nowhere...

Im sorry.

Ill get it.

No.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

You want me to put these

back in your bag for you?

Okay.

We spent the rest of the day

talking over coffee.

That's the most embarrassing sh*t

Ive ever heard.

Man, that sucks.

But that's the best part.

She knows I beat off constantly

and she doesn't give a sh*t.

What?

What's more personal than that?

I mean...

after knowing that,

we could talk about anything.

Its like there's nothing to hide.

Once a day, that's it?

Yeah.

Isnt that enough?

Once a day is a foundation,

and then...

definitely at night

before I go to sleep.

-It helps me go to sleep.

-Me too.

Really?

-Yes.

-That's so cool.

Except sometimes

Im too tired to finish.

You know...

I just bore myself.

My ex boyfriend was into...

videotaping me while I...

Really?

And while he was videotaping,

he would also be...

to himself.

Really?

And you would watch?

Yeah.

While he...?

Did you like it?

Yeah.

You are one lucky bastard.

Congratulations, little stroker.

For the first time,

you finally scored big.

He's earning his stripes.

Thanks. It means a lot

coming from you guys.

So did you...?

I didn't f*** her.

But...

I have a date with her this week.

And...

she asked me to bring

the video camera.

Nice!

You know what you got to do?

Show up at her house with

some wine and flowers and sh*t.

With a video camera.

Of course with a video camera.

-Why are you feeding him bullshit?

-What made you a f***ing pro?

I know what Im talking about.

You get some cheap wine,

like Dunwood.

Its got a nice label,

so it looks expensive.

You can get it on sale

for like $9.99.

Dunwood...

and some cheap roses,

and you'll be doing

the bone dance in no time.

He should take advice from you.

What do you know about women?

You're married, for chrissakes!

Think I don't know what women want?

Now Im married, Im more

sensitive to a woman's needs.

Wait, wait. Dunwood?

The sh*t works every time.

Im waiting a week or two

before I call my chick.

You know,...

get her all moist so she's

begging for my love.

lf you like this woman, call her

right away, make her feel special.

Pipe it, toughie.

I don't need your bullshit advice.

Yeah, shut the f*** up.

He's right.

You should call her tonight.

Maybe we could all do something

together this week.

Don't get faggy on me.

I don't want your lame ass

ruining my chances on some clam.

Im waiting a week.

Id get the nice guy date

out of the way as soon as possible.

-What?

-The nice guy date?

The filler, to show her

what a nice guy you are.

So she lets you hit it on the next.

How many dates does it take

for you to bone?

lf I don't hit on the first,

which is rare, on the second.

But by rule, if I don't get it

on the third, I never call her.

Definitely not worth the time

after the third.

It always takes me a few months.

Come on, art boy.

Let's see what you got.

Did you bring your notepad?

Going to write down "Brad Dreams"?

"Brad Got Game"?

Trying to get a piece of me?

Pass the ball!

Im ready. Bring it in!

-Why aren't you paying attention?

-I am paying attention.

Last night, I couldn't

get to sleep...

'cause Loraine was in the bed,

so I snuck down to the den

and ordered some

pay-per-view porn.

Why? Its terrible.

Its useless.

They don't show penetration.

I couldn't believe the size

of the breasts on these women.

They were like huge.

They were fake.

Those foam bags aren't real.

Come on.

A lot of pillows, propped up

straight, pointing north.

Never south, always north.

When I come home from the gym

after a few butterflies,

I look in the mirror and go:

"Ive got a nice rack.

Id f*** me."

Like that psycho in

"Silence of the Lambs".

Except I didn't do the dick tuck.

I did the dick tuck for Loraine,

to spice up the sex life,

keep the bedroom hot.

You did the tuck for Loraine?

She talked about

bringing home a woman

and threesomes and sh*t.

Dude, that's awesome.

Oh, master, oh, master.

She wouldn't let this go

and I realized she had this

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