Whipped Page #6

I know why she called us here.

There's a good chance

she called us all here because...

because...

because she wants us all

to do her.

Together.

You know, triple team her.

She wants the f***ing plan!

-You got to let that sh*t go.

-That is f***ing ridiculous.

It could have been her fantasy

right from the start.

She's been seeing all three of us

for a few weeks now.

If she wanted to choose,

she'd have done so long ago.

She wants the plan.

She's in the f***ing shower

right now soaping herself up.

She's cleaning herself up 'cause

she wants us all to bone her.

Would you have some respect?

My Mia doesnt want the plan.

I know she wants to f*** me,

-but not you guys.

-Your Mia?

Come on!

Yeah.

My...

Mia.

Well, guys, believe what you want,

but Im boning.

What the f*** is that?

That...

is what keeps the chicks

coming back to my man.

You got some f***ed up sh*t

going on.

At least I got some sh*t going on.

What the f*** are you fag boys

looking at my dick for anyway?

Just put your pants

back on, okay?

I have to talk to you guys.

Im serious.

What now?

I made a decision about something.

Its the toughest decision

Ive ever had to make.

I knew you'd come out eventually.

Its okay.

Being gay is kind of hip now.

This is serious. Its not a joke.

Just listen.

I love Mia.

And Mia loves me.

And I think Im going to

ask her to marry me.

Are you kidding me?

I know this will have some

effect on our friendship,

but if you guys don't understand

my feelings for Mia,

then you're not my real friends.

Fine.

F*** you then.

My God.

Mia does not love you.

Jesus, Jonathan,

you're so naive sometimes.

Yeah, you know what?

I could use a good laugh.

Why don't you go in there now

and ask her to marry you?

You f***ing loser!

Im going to kill you.

What the hell is going on here?

What the hell are you doing?

Put your pants on!

Are you guys out of your minds?

Id say that the one thing...

that you can never be

prepared for,

with married life,

is the shopping.

It all seems to have something

to do with shopping.

There's always shopping to be done,

somewhere.

Shopping.

Ive gotten into antiqueing,

but that's 'cause the chicks

are usually better looking.

My specialty...

when I was hanging out

with the guys and scamming,

was something called

"jumping on the grenade".

That's when you're out with

a group of guys and...

you meet up with a group of women,

or find a group of women,

and usually one of them is

a little less attractive.

This is the grenade.

And...

it would be my job

to jump on the grenade,

To sort of...

keep everything flowing

for the evening.

That was my thing.

And then I married the grenade.

I pulled her pin.

She just threw you guys out?

All because Tarzan over here

thought she wanted the plan.

He got naked.

How was I supposed to know?

All the signs were there.

And you never even found out

what her choice was.

No.

Then fag boy freaked out on us

and left the place.

Did you know he's thinking

about asking Mia to marry him?

No!

Yeah.

She'll never marry him.

Right?

Of course not.

Of course not.

Yeah, no way.

Here comes the princess now.

Hey, Jonathan.

Hey, dude.

I just want you guys to know...

that I officially do not

like you anymore.

From this moment on,

we are no longer friends.

-Jonathan.

-Just stay out of it.

Okay?

This is between me and them.

So I brought some things.

Here are your karate videos

that you lent me.

Sorry it took me so long

to return them, but I was...

busy.

You can have it back.

Every time I use it,

I think of you and get upset.

Dude, could I have that?

Its a Boner Toner.

-Why don't you sit down and relax?

-Yeah, come and sit down.

I ordered you some waffles.

-And sausage.

-Come on, man.

Have a seat.

Im not staying.

I have things to do.

Are you really willing to

give up everything we've got?

For Mia?

Yeah.

That's how much she means to me.

My God!

-What the f***...?

-What the f*** is this?

Hey, you guys.

I know we have a lot to talk about.

But Im kind of busy right now.

Who the f*** are they?

Guys I met in Italy last summer.

They're visiting me for awhile.

-Visiting?

-Yeah.

But Ill call you guys later.

Later in the week.

Okay?

But Mia...

What's going on here?

Im sorry.

I got to go.

Im going to kick me some

salami motherf***er ass!

-Calm down.

-F*** you!

Let it go.

They could be her cousins.

Cousins? Give me a break!

She's whacking that meatball!

Maybe they're very close cousins.

What? Mia?

She's letting them grab her ass.

-Where?

-Dont worry about it, man.

All three of them are

grabbing her ass. What the f***?

Mia...

That was the last time any of us

saw or heard from Mia.

She just kind of vanished.

I guess I should be angry.

She could've had the best...

me.

As for the group,

well...

we tried to get back in the groove.

I have to take a sh*t so bad,

and there's no bathroom anywhere.

I can barely hold it in.

Zeke was back to

getting robbed once a week.

The bastard was watching them.

Eric was still trying to find

creative ways to pork his wife.

Honey, ready or not,

here I come.

He'd do anything to stay

a part of the group.

And Jonathan...

well...

Let's see.

Who will it be tonight?

As for me...

Damn!

My sister never told me

how beautiful you were.

She's going to get it when

she gets in from Colorado.

Colorado?

I thought Jen lived in Boston.

Whatever.

Soon we faced the inevitable.

Our little tradition

began to disband.

Till finally,

it was no more.

We had never

let anybody get between us before.

I guess it took somebody

as special as Mia

to open our eyes

and make us realize

that women are

a lot more like us,

well..

a lot more like Zeke and Brad,

than we ever imagined.

Im worried about her.

I know in my heart that

she's really hurting inside.

Brad was never, and I mean never,

fully hard.

Never? Why didn't you bail?

I really hope

she's okay.

Its a package deal.

Evidently not.

So, did he ever get it in?

Sort of.

Id say...

I kind of felt sorry for the guy.

I mean,

it was sad watching him struggle.

He'd just kind of,

I don't know,

bang it up against me,

like f***ing "Rain Man".

I know, it's like fitting

a marshmallow in a keyhole.

-Like playing pool with a string.

-Okay?

How do you get

a condom on like that?

A condom? Guy needs a splint,

prop that sh*t up.

You know whats even worse?

The guy had ass rot.

We're eating here.

Im sorry, but he did.

Do you know why?

They don't know how to wipe.

Its true.

And then there was Zeke.

Zeke was like downtown art boy.

You know what I mean?

The guy was so f***ing

conceited in bed.

Right? And the irony is...

he had the smallest cock

I have ever seen.

It was all tip and no shaft.

Im serious.

It was like an acorn

resting on his balls there.

Then to top it off,

the guy's a freak in bed.

He'd be like:

"Who's your daddy?

Who's your daddy?"

I think that was the most he

ever asked me about myself.

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