Whipped Page #5

Look, guys, can we put everything

behind us and move on?

Just forget about

all the bullshit?

Okay with me.

Fine.

Good, let's order.

So...

Did anyone read the blow-job

article in Cosmo this month?

What?

Why the f*** are you reading Cosmo?

My wife keeps it

near the bathtub.

Thank God I am not married.

You don't understand.

This magazine is for women.

So...

it has all these tips

on how to please your man.

I get it now.

You read this sh*t so you can

learn how to please your man.

That is funny, but no.

What Im saying is that

it's written by women.

It says things like

"one out of every three men

has latent homo-erotic fantasies".

What?

Anyway, this article says

that chicks should make

their boyfriends

drink apple juice

before they give head.

It makes the taste better.

Therefore,

they would want to give

more head in the future.

-Really?

-That's just bullshit.

Why are you wasting our time

with this crap?

Its better than talking about

that whacked ho' Mia.

Oh, man,

she's got you all whipped.

Excuse me!

Yeah, who's whipped?

She's got you muff-spelled,

riding your asses into the ground.

What the f*** are you talking about?

What is wrong with this a**hole?

Mia's not riding me.

She realized who Mr. Right was.

Yeah, me.

That's a good one, Zeke.

Actually, she only wants to

see me now, exclusively.

lf you haven't already heard.

I don't know about that.

You see, Mia and I are in love.

Dream on, p*ssy.

Are you both so whacked in

the head you don't realize

she thinks you're total losers?

She wants me,

the "Z".

Oh my God,

You talk so much sh*t, Zeke,

you're starting to believe it.

Shes just a girl.

I thought you both knew she

didn't want to see you anymore.

-Like she wants to see you.

-The only reason I came today,

is I figured you two ignorant

d*ckheads finally backed off.

-Whatever, Zeke.

-Dont whatever me!

There's other people here.

Take it outside.

Ill f***ing take it outside,

away from you two d*cks.

-A bunch of f***ing pricks!

-She wants me, a**hole.

You remember that too, f***-o.

Should I remind her of that

before or after I pull out?

F*** you!

You little pup!

Dick!

Why don't you go home and

snap one off, you toss-off?

F*** you, too.

Oh, my gosh!

Sorry.

Don't worry.

And besides,

it's not apple juice.

Its pineapple.

That's it.

Forget it.

Hello.

Hi, my name's Eric...

and Im a friend of Zeke,

Brad and Jonathan's.

Yeah?

Yeah, I just came to talk about...

what you're doing to my friends.

Most of it is

none of my business,

but you're completely

messing with their heads.

And I just want to know

how it is that you can

respect yourself,

doing,...

what it is that you do?

And what exactly is it that I do?

You're seeing all of my friends

at the same time.

You're f***ing all three of them.

Is this Dunwood?

First, I don't see how this is

any of your business. And second,

you act like Im doing this

on purpose.

You think I enjoy putting myself

and your friends through this?

Then why don't you just

choose one of them?

Look, I really...

I really like your friends.

Haven't you met a woman who's...

so special you didn't

want to lose her?

Well, no. Im married.

So then you have.

Oh, yeah. Right, right.

Yeah.

Well, so have I.

Except instead of one person,

I met three.

Im just asking you

to stop seeing them.

Why do you care so much?

Because.

Because why?

Because.

You got to understand.

Ive been married for two years.

Two long f***ing years.

I don't know if you know

what that's like,

having to spend every day

with the same woman.

The only thing I look forward to

is Sunday lunch with the guys.

And now that you've come along...

You're ruining me.

You've taken away the one thing

I have to look forward to.

And now Im f***ed.

I got no outlets.

Well, Eric...

Is it Eric?

I understand.

And...

I will take care of it.

Okay?

Just call me anytime, okay?

Look at that woman's tits.

Nice and high.

There's one for you over there.

You know a girl like that

does squats.

I find it amazing that men

go on forever without

actually buying toilet paper.

What do you mean?

For us, it's like an essential,

you know?

But men, they'll use anything.

Tissue, paper towels,

newspaper.

Sheets.

Sheets? That's a good one.

Hey, honey.

Man, this place sucks.

They don't have my Rough Riders?

All right.

I think this will do.

Honey, I don't think those are

the right ones.

Honey,

let go.

Don't you think that

these would be more comfortable?

What?

For me. I meant,

more comfortable for me.

-See? "For her pleasure".

-What are you talking about?

Excuse me.

What are you looking at?

Come on, baby.

Its an emotional reaction.

I didn't expect to see you

around for a while.

To what do I owe the pleasure?

Well,

seeing as how you're

married, I was wondering...

What's it like to

settle down with a woman?

I mean,

does your life stop or what?

No, no...

don't get me wrong, Im not

saying I want to do this now.

Im interested in your thoughts

about living with chicks.

Wait a second.

You're not thinking of

shacking up with that ho'?

Don't be a dick.

Of course not.

Im just...

you know, curious.

Well...

When you decide to live with

a chick, everything changes.

The key to survival...

is remember one thing.

That's that your life now

belong to someone else.

You'll notice things about your

daily routine that start to change.

For instance, the toilet seat sh*t.

It is a big one.

You've got to remember to

put that down or you're f***ed.

Loraine almost left me

because I forgot that sh*t.

And remember to flush.

If you leave a floater in there,

you're a dead man.

And you got to

go easy on the gas.

I used to give Loraine

the Dutch oven every night.

Then she started slipping

laxatives into my dinner at night,

you know, for revenge.

I almost sh*t out my colon.

But I...

changed my diet after that.

For Loraine.

And I actually feel better

because of it.

All in all, living with Loraine...

sharing everything...

has got its advantages

and disadvantages.

Is that what you wanted to hear?

Yeah, man.

Yeah.

Thanks a lot.

We used to have this credo.

Bros before ho's...

pals before gals.

Don't get me wrong.

I definitely believe in

the institution of marriage

and family.

Its just that

until I find the one,

nothing's wrong with chalking up

as many points as possible.

When Im not closing deals,

Im closing deals.

What the f***'s going on here?

Why are you a**holes here?

F*** you.

I was invited.

Where's Mia?

-What the hell you doing here?

-She asked me to come,

dick-suck.

Mia's in the shower.

What the f***'s going on?

I don't know, but I think

maybe Mia made her choice.

Then you guys can leave now.

This is good a time as any

for you guys to learn how

special our relationship is.

Man, you really are whacked.

Wait a minute.

Im not sure, but...

it's definitely possible.

Yes.

It is a definite possibility.

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