Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Page #6

Hey, I heard that Nic quit

and you f***ed Iain!

Whoa, hold on.

Listen, the Iain thing

is not a thing, okay?

We have the same size hands. I can't.

It's just work has been

a little frustrating.

Yeah. I get it.

Because Afghanistan doesn't rate anymore.

That is bullshit.

You've got to find your own

luck here, babe, you know that.

What?

What? What is that?

Hey! You're hooking up

Tanya in the Tribals?

What the f***, Jaweed?

Her network will pay me triple.

I taught you how to clear

your Internet history, okay?

What has Vanderpoel ever done for you?

Give me a break, man.

Whatever. You owe me.

What else do you have?

You're Ghilzai, right?

Do you have any other connections

to members of the Ghilzai family?

- You mean Hekmatyar?

- Maybe.

Are you f***ing crazy, Kim? Please.

Hey! Nabil! Hey.

Are you still in touch with that ISI guy

who says he knows who killed Abdul Haq?

That guy? He's dead two years.

Hey.

Oh, for f***'s sake.

Mrs. MacKelpie.

- Twice?

- Two and a half, actually.

I don't remember what happened last night.

Kabul happened, my wee froggy in the pot.

Did I not wear a headscarf?

Where's my phone?

I believe I threw your mobile

in my cupboard.

Why?

Because mid-coitus you tried to call Tanya

about some bloody wild goose chase

in the Tribals.

I told you about that?

It was hard to understand you once you asked

me to stuff your knickers in your mouth.

I'm joking, Kim. That didn't happen.

F***. I am...

I am f***ing losing it.

I need a win.

Christ, if you're that hard up,

I'll share my Badakhshan thing with you.

What Badakhshan thing?

You know China won the contract

to mine for gold up there.

They built roads, airport,

housing, all that.

Well, guess whose responsibility it is

to protect the investment of Red China

in this restive nation?

American troops, Chinese gold.

Oh, Iain, that's really good.

People are gonna get mad.

Just waiting for my guy

to give me the green light.

You pay for the trip,

I'll share the story with you. Easy peasy.

Really? Thank you. That's...

I owe you one.

Well, how about a half of one?

And then we can make it an even three.

Yeah. Or I could buy you breakfast.

Or a half of one and we can

make it an even three.

I think breakfast

is of equal monetary value.

My middle name is Eoghan.

Which is Erse... Shut up.

It's Erse for Owen.

"Oo-hee"?

- Iain "Oo-hee".

- Don't bother.

Where is Bin Laden?

People think he's in Pakistan, right?

Yeah.

You've got egg in your beard. Hang on.

Thank you.

Your national animal is the unicorn.

I think it's romantic.

That is the national animal of the kingdom

I ruled when I was eight.

Who's your favorite Three Stooge?

Larry. Because he's put upon

in a way that I identify with.

He's the Art Garfunkel, right?

Yeah.

So, I thought I might like to

hang out with you for a bit.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Do you really want to know

what I want to do?

Yeah. Okay.

I'd like to kiss you.

Who knew?

Here's my little man.

No, Iain, don't. It's a scam.

Do you think so? Really?

I know it's a scam, Kim. So what?

He's still begging in the street.

Hey, Abrahaim.

There's my boy.

I knew I'd win you over.

Jesus!

What the f***, Jaweed?

Are they coming or not?

Here they are.

There they are.

4-6800, line six north.

Standing by approval.

We are clear to engage target.

Roger. Clear to engage target.

It is him. That's my guy.

If we go anywhere,

Jaweed, we take our vehicle.

No carpooling.

All right. Okay.

Sh*t! Sh*t!

Stay calm.

Splash.

Cease laser. Safe laser.

Laser off. Laser safe.

I'm looking for someone. Excuse me.

- Oh, my God. Tanya.

- Hi.

- Jesus.

- Oy.

Jaweed's dead.

- Andy's in surgery.

- I know. Iain talked to Colin.

- Jesus!

- I know. It's f***ed.

You know, Colin was rolling.

What, like, rolling-rolling?

You have tape?

He got the whole f***ing thing.

I'm going to go live with it

as soon as they let me out of here.

Can you f***ing believe it?

Hey.

Hi.

Aye.

- How are you?

- You doing all right?

Holy sh*t!

And as we watch it again there, Susanna,

you can actually see the Hellfire missile

right before it detonates.

What is going on with Badakhshan?

Snow's killing us.

So unless your network wants

to stump up the money for the helicopter,

we'll have to wait

till they clear the passes.

Kim, we have a bit of a situation outside.

What?

I just need you to see something.

Sorry to interrupt.

- Did he say what he wanted?

- I don't know.

F***.

Qadar. Qadar, it's okay. You can go in.

He just wants to talk to me.

- Okay. Okay.

- It's okay.

Please, do not cover

your hair on my account.

It's such beautiful hair.

It's like the hide of a fine horse.

Sadiq, what are you doing here?

I was just going home

from closing a woman brothel

when I told my driver,

"Mahboobullah, this is where

my best friend Kimberly lives!"

But she has been a bad friend lately.

She does not call.

She does not invite me to her party.

I'm sorry,

but I didn't think the Attorney General

of the Islamic Republic of Afghanistan

went to parties at guesthouses.

And why not?

I am still a man, no?

I love music.

I love to dance!

But

even though you have been a bad friend,

I want you to be happy.

Do you have a special friend?

Because

I would love to be your special friend.

Would you like that, Kim?

You're a bad friend.

You are a bad friend.

In America, I would get

a book deal out of this sh*t!

You can't just do this, okay?

I haven't been on the air in months!

My best friend here almost died,

and I am jealous of her!

And I am just...

F*** this! All of it!

That was a bomb.

Hello! So, wait!

Who is fronting the show?

Tucker? No, I don't know who that is.

Okay, well, I could go live

for the overnights, but this is...

"Satellite time?"

No, I have a dedicated feed.

Since when?

This is Tucker Wang.

This is Kim Baker.

Why am I being told that

I don't have a sat hookup?

Because you're on the hourly plan now.

And either way, the show is full tonight.

No. Who is your boss?

I want to talk to this

Jerry whatever, Taub.

Okay, look, Jerry has mentioned

Afghanistan to me once,

and mentioned it to know why

the only good story to come

out of there in a year

was on another network.

What, Tanya's thing?

No, I've got sh*t like that.

I'm waiting for the snow to melt!

I want to talk to Jerry.

If I could just get you to get me a story

that somebody would care about,

it would be fine. But meanwhile...

Okay, what if I come to New York and I

burst into Jerry's office? How about that?

Well, that might look

like I hadn't done my job.

Perfect. See you Wednesday.

C*nt.

Kim.

Kim, look at these dogs.

How does this end?

A bucket of cold water, I suppose.

No.

How does this

end?

I don't really know, Kim.

We grow old together?

Get a cottage in the country?

Raise chickens?

Eat scrambled eggs off each other?

Look, we're good, aren't we?

We'll always have Kabul.

No, we won't. We won't "always have" it

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