white chicks Page #3

lt's only been a year.

Did you do something different

to your hair?

-No.

-You gain weight?

-No.

-l know! You just had a birthday.

-Yeah.

-Totally. Total fire sign. l knew it.

-l totally knew it.

-Wait a minute.

There is definitely...

something different about the two of you.

Collagen.

You little witch. How did you know?

Duh, it's totally obvious.

Your lips went from Cameron Diaz to Jay-Z.

You got taller, too.

We got our knees done.

You can do that?

-You should do that.

-Yes.

Well, it was really good

seeing you ladies. Bye.

Excuse me.

Where do you think you're going?

To go freshen up.

The Hamptons Magazine reception

just started, so let's hit it.

Hey, check it out.

Are those the Wilson sisters?

More like the Wilt Chamberlain sisters.

l never noticed how big they are.

But l'd still bone.

My God. There's Heath.

Dude, are you hitting Karen Googlestein,

the soap heiress, too?

How do you keep that sh*t dangling?

l keep telling her l'm going to break

up with my girl.

You better hope Heather doesn't find out.

She won't.

At least until l wrap up this big deal

with her father.

Hey, Mr. V.

And look, there they are.

The fen-phen twins.

They're hot.

What, are you blind?

That's Heather and Megan Vandergeld.

Your sworn enemies since you were like,

l don't know. Eight?

Did l say hot? l meant not.

-l totally hate them.

-Did you guys hear about Megan?

She got stopped by security at Saks

trying to pull a Winona.

God. Come on.

-This is going to be fun.

-Move.

Look who just flew in from the slums

of Beverly Hills.

lt's The Beverly Ho-billies.

-Squeeze me?

-No, you didn't.

l'm sorry, but we just saw your new video.

They had a screening

over at Saks Fifth Avenue...

in the security office.

A klept-ho-maniac.

Your mother shops at Saks.

What?

My God. You want to talk about mothers?

You want to talk about mothers.

lt's mother time. Okay.

Your mother's so dumb

she went to Dr. Dre for a Pap smear.

''Something's wrong, Dr. Dre.

My coochie's doing a beatbox.''

Yeah? Well, your mother is so stupid...

she exercises when she could just get...

liposuction or something.

Your mother's so old that her breast milk

is powdered. You breast-feed like this.

Your mother is so, like....

She's so....

Megan, you go.

Your mother is so stupid...

that she goes to Barneys Rooftop

Deck Restaurant for lunch...

and orders a niçoise salad and calls it

a ''ni-coise'' salad.

''Ni-coise'' salad, right?

Your mother's ass is so hairy...

it looks like Don King's about to pop out

and say, ''Only in America!''

Your mother's so stupid...

that she goes into Gucci

and she tries to buy, like, Fendi and stuff.

Megan, Heather. Come on now, girls.

ls this any way to speak to your guests?

Brittany and Tiffany Wilson.

l haven't seen you since you were smaller.

Yeah. Well, we're all grown up now.

Yeah, l can see that.

Ladies, l fully expect

to see you later at the White Party.

-l think it's gonna be the best one ever.

-We'll be there.

-Take care. Bye. Good seeing you again.

-Bye, Mr. V.

This isn't over yet.

This is a long weekend.

You better watch your back.

-Ladies.

-Whatever.

l can't believe you guys just did that

to the Vandergelds.

You know, they could take you

off the scene just like that.

-Yeah, but it was so cool, you guys.

-So cool.

lsn't that Denise Porter from NY News?

Yeah, l'm working on getting you

an interview with her.

Great for your image.

l think l'll go over there

and introduce myself.

-Do you think now's a good time?

-Actually, it's a perfect time.

-Wouldn't want to miss a photo op.

-Never that.

-See you later.

-Have fun.

-What's wrong? Did you just get cramps?

-Yeah.

-Do you need a tamp?

-Heating pad?

-Hors d'oeuvres?

-Thank you, Wolfgang Paco.

Would you give that to Baby? Thank you.

-Bye, Chico. Vamonos.

-Bon appétit.

l'll have one.

-Hi, my name is--

-Brittany Wilson, of course.

Yeah. How'd you know? Brittany Wilson.

Well, it's my job to know.

Your publicist, Tori, has been calling me

nonstop about setting up an interview.

lf l would've known you were so beautiful,

l probably would've called you myself.

Well, if l wasn't mistaken, l'd think

you were flirting with me, Miss Wilson.

Me? Flirting with you? A girl? Never.

Sorry, honey. Only beef.

-Boy, you're really strong, aren't you?

-lt's from all that protein.

My God. These are delicious.

You might want to slow down

on the cheese.

You mean, there's cheese,

as in dairy cheese?

Yeah. Unless you know another way

to make quiche.

-Ladies, l think l got to go to the bathroom.

-Good. We'll come with.

No, l can handle it myself.

Thank you, though.

Like we're going to let you go alone.

Time for touchups anyway.

Move, b*tch.

My God, you guys.

Heath is here. What should l do?

l don't understand what you see in him.

He's an out-of-work actor

living in a share house.

And he drives a Series BMW.

Tori, l really think that you need

to cut Heath a little bit of slack.

His aunt died three years ago

and he really needs new headshots.

He's just going through

a really rough time right now. Okay?

You okay?

Everything all right in there?

lt's fine. Sh*t.

Tiff, we're just going to

meet you outside. Okay?

Love you.

Man, it may be summertime

in the Hamptons...

but it is snowing up in here.

Tony, hand me my boots

because l'm about to go skiing.

-Great game last night, Latrell.

-That's what l do, baby.

Now that's what l'm talking about.

A white girl with a black girl's ass.

l'm taking that home to Mama.

Pardon me.

Santa must've come early this year...

because you were first on my Christmas list.

There it is, right there.

l want to know. Are you naughty or nice?

Sorry, l'm not interested.

-l'll take that as naughty.

-Naughty.

You know what they say:

''Once you go black,

you're going to need a wheelchair.''

-Okay, call me later.

-As l was saying....

Look, King Kong. Why don't you take you

and your pickup lines...

climb the Empire State Building,

beat on your big old monkey chest...

and then jump off? Excuse me.

Hold up, hold on now. l'll get the--

-This is no joke, man.

-Get your hands off me, man.

She don't know it yet,

but that's wifey right there.

Hello, everybody. For just one second.

I'm Warren Vandergeld.

I'm sure most of you know me.

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