white chicks Page #4

And I just want to remind you

that tonight's the night.

The Vandergeld Foundation's

annual charity auction.

So bring your checkbook...

dress to impress,

and we'll see you there. Have fun.

-So what are you going to wear?

-This?

You're so funny.

Ladies, you know what this means.

Shopping!

And now, the Number One

most requested song on WQQR....

-lt's our jam.

-This is our jam, ladies. Come on.

Ready? Five, six, seven, eight...

Making my way downtown

Walking fast

Faces pass

And I'm home bound

Staring blankly ahead

Just making my way

Making a way

Through the crowd

Take it, Tiff and Britt. This is your verse.

Into the sky

Do you think time

Would pass me by

'Cause you know I'd walk

A thousand miles

If I could

Just see you

Tonight

C-minus.

That's hot. Totally hot.

feel a nigga

Guys. l can't believe that you just said that.

Said what?

The ''N'' word.

-So? Nobody's around.

-Yeah.

Cent and B.I.G. my nigga

Don't try to act like you don't feel a nigga

Biggie yo nigga, yo nigga

Squeeze the trigga' leave a nigga fo' sho

Ladies, can l help you?

Yes, actually.

l need something for my friend.

Something that says,

''l'm not a whore but l'm not a virgin either.''

l've got just the thing. Come.

-What about you, Brittany?

-No, thank you, sweetie. l'm fine.

Good. You can help me. Come on.

-Me?

-Yeah, we're girls. That's what we do.

God.

Come on.

-Hello?

-Hi, baby.

What's up, baby?

l'm getting my hair done, and l was thinking

that we could go to the movies.

How's that sound?

-l'm back.

-Who is that?

You're never going to get that big old head

in this tiny hole.

-Here, let me help you.

-Hold on.

-l'll hold it open while you put it in.

-Okay.

-What is she holding?

-Push it.

-lt's almost in.

-What is almost in? Marcus.

Marcus Anthony Copeland ll,

you better answer me right now.

-lt's so tight.

-Tight?

The only thing's that's going to be tight

is my foot down your throat.

You better answer me!

lt's a perfect fit.

-l can't believe what l just heard.

-l told you.

l'm exhausted.

Gina. Damn. Hello? Baby?

What do you think?

That looks so sexy.

Are you kidding?

''Hi, l'm Cellulite Sally.

Look at my huge bedonkey.''

''And don't forget about me.

l'm Back Fat Betty.''

Now who could have said that?

Yeah, it's Tina the Talking Tummy.

l can't even wear a short skirt...

and a top without looking like a fat pig.

Calm down. l'll go see if there's something

else out there for you. Okay?

Do you think Heath will love....

Do you need help?

l think l need a bigger size.

Honey, you never need a bigger size.

Come here.

Let me show you a little trick.

Brace yourself.

Suck it in. Squeeze those cheeks, sister.

Suck it in. Come on. Work with me.

Don't give up on me.

You can do this. Suck it in.

Now that looks totally cute.

My God! Are you kidding?

''Hi, l'm Carnie Wilson before my

gastric bypass surgery.''

Well, what about this?

This goes with your skin tone.

Somebody throw Shamu back in the ocean!

Okay. Let me get you something else. Okay?

How's that?

l can't breathe.

Honey, this is just not going to work.

l'm sorry.

Well, of course not.

You're wearing the wrong underwear.

ls that better?

l can taste the leather.

Okay, you need a pair of hot shoes.

What size do you wear again?

-Fourteen.

-What?

Do you think you could bring us a size ?

-A what?

-A .

lt's an open-toed slide.

lt gives you two sizes in the front

and two in the back.

-What about these? This one's--

-You b*tch! That's so terrible.

Let me go

and see if there's some help out there.

Some professional help.

You need professional help. Hang on.

-Okay.

-Dr. Phil!

Oprah. Somebody, help me.

Come on out, honey. Let's see.

lt is absolutely fabulous.

lf you don't buy it, l'm buying it for myself.

l don't know. Stand up straight.

Turn around.

Honey, just relax. Breathe.

You know what? Maybe a nice dress.

Okay. Who would you do?

Janet Reno or Rosie O'Donnell?

-What! Are you kidding me?

-And death is not an option.

l don't know. Rosie.

-You're a pig. That's disgusting.

-What are you talking about?

-Rosie's all right.

-Heads up. Here they are.

-Hold on. Who would you do?

-No time. We're on the job.

-He's got my gun and badge.

-Go get him!

Get in! Get in the car.

My God, l need a cigarette!

-Can you believe this?

-What do we do?

We follow them.

But we can't blow our cover.

-Give me back my bag.

-Oh, man.

l'll rip your head off.

Your ass is mine.

What is this girl, a track star?

You messed

with the wrong blonde today, pal.

-Holy Christ.

-Now l'm pissed.

l think she's bionic, dude.

Holy smokes.

-That was nice.

-Jeez, lady. All that for a bag?

lt's not just a bag. lt's Prada.

-lt was like a reality show.

-lt was so cool.

-Right behind you.

-Nice going, Tori.

Way to get us sat at the losers' table.

l thought you had it all hooked up.

Excuse me. l do have the hook-up.

Don't blame me.

Blame Little Miss Def Jam over here...

who had to go, ''Yo' mama''

on the Vandergelds.

We could be finished in this town.

-Somebody had to stand up to those guys.

-They're the ''it'' girls.

-That's the way it's always been.

-Whatever.

Honey, quick. Give me a pat.

No, a powder for my nose. Quick.

Thanks.

No, l'm just kidding.

l tried to call you,

but your number changed?

Yeah, l know. l changed it.

Anyway, so, l was just wondering if maybe...

later we could--

Hello. Where have you been all night?

l've been looking all over for you.

Why are you talking to her?

Clean it up, coke whore.

Do you have any more of that?

Don't hate me because you ain't me.

Can I have your attention, please?

Gentlemen, get out your wallets...

because you'll be bidding on a date...

with some of Hamptons'

most eligible bachelorettes.

First up, yours truly.

Who wants to start the bidding?

-$?

-$.

Okay. Do I hear $?

Well, looks like we're all

on the Vandergelds' D-list.

-ls this seat taken?

-Oh, no. Have a seat.

Can you believe this?

They're actually auctioning off women.

-Would you ever do anything like that?

-Well, it's for a good cause.

Besides, being wined and dined

by a rich guy might be nice.

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