White Van Man Page #3

Season #2 Episode #12

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'WHITE VAN MAN 2' Episode 2 Blue Script 07/10/11 14

OLLIE:

(Depressed)

I’m sorry - you made me watch that

because...?

TONY:

To make you feel better about

Darren.

OLLIE:

How was watching Independence Day

supposed to do that?!

TONY:

To show you that worse things can

happen.

SFX:
Doorbell. OLLIE gets up.

OLLIE:

Okay, you know aliens haven’t really

invaded Earth don’t you?

TONY:

Don’t you fool yourself... how else do

you explain Bjork?

OLLIE:

(Shaking head to self)

Is it any wonder I’m moving out?

TONY smiles. OLLIE opens the front door. EMMA strides in.

EMMA:

(All playful and happy)

Hello hello. What’s that I hear in

the distance?

OLLIE:

(Sarcastic)

Alien invasion?

EMMA:

No. It’s only the sound of Curry’s

Home Maintenance taking a big step

forwards.

TONY:

Never have I more wished I could

break wind on cue.

EMMA:

(Smiles)

Shush.

(She gives Ollie a kiss)

You’ve got rid of the dead weight,

so now we can properly start moving

this business forward.

'WHITE VAN MAN 2' Episode 2 Blue Script 07/10/11 15

OLLIE:

Don’t know how true that is...

EMMA:

It’s very true. Now you can hire

someone better. Someone with your

level of skill...

OLLIE:

That’s true.

TONY:

There’s a four year old next door

with a ‘Bob the Builder’ playset - I

think he’d be a pretty good match

for you.

EMMA:

(Ignoring him)

Ollie. This is a good thing. We’ll

get you an assistant worthy of the

title... because I am running the

interviews.

OLLIE:

What?

EMMA:

I’m brilliant at them, I know what

we’re looking for and I’ve had to do

loads since I started managing the

Koffee Shop.

TONY:

That’s ‘cos all the staff keep

leaving!

EMMA gives TONY a look.

EMMA:

Whatever the reason - I’m holding

interviews tomorrow to find you a

new assistant.

OLLIE:

Are we?

EMMA:

Yes, and I’m going to find you the

best.

OLLIE can’t help but smile. Perked up and happy again. TONY

rolls his eyes.

TONY:

Fair enough. I’ll see you there

then.

'WHITE VAN MAN 2' Episode 2 Blue Script 07/10/11 16

OLLIE:

Err, no. I think we can handle it...

TONY:

I’m sure you can. I’ll see you

there.

And TONY goes off to bed.

EMMA:

Is he always that stubborn?

OLLIE:

You should try changing the channel

when there’s a western on.

CUT TO:

212 INT. CAFE - MORNING 5 - 08:20 212

TONY and OLLIE enter. OLLIE awkwardly wearing a SHIRT and

TIE. TONY wearing his everyday clothes, looking at Ollie

horrified.

TONY:

Who ever heard of a handyman wearing

a shirt and a tie? I wouldn’t hire

you dressed like that, that’s a

fact.

OLLIE:

Err, weddings? Funerals?

TONY:

No chance. When your Uncle Bernie

died, we all wore overalls.

(Beat)

That said, we were worried the

varnish on the coffin hadn’t dried.

I built it myself you know.

OLLIE:

(Sarcastic)

It’s what he would have wanted.

EMMA:

Good morning people.

EMMA stands next to a large table ready for the interviews.

She’s wearing a BUSINESS SUIT and looks amazing.

EMMA (CONT’D)

Ready to find yourself a minion?

OLLIE:

Yeah, I’m

'WHITE VAN MAN 2' Episode 2 Blue Script 07/10/11 17

EMMA:

(Cutting him off)

Good. Table’s set up here for the

initial meet and greets and then

we’ll all go out the back for the

physical tests.

OLLIE:

Err - physical tests?

EMMA:

Yeah. I can’t let you hire someone

without seeing their skills.

Physical tests and tasks. It’s how

we interview people now - haven’t

you ever seen ‘The Apprentice?’

VOICE (OOV)

Emma!

She turns to look as a waitress’s APRON hits her in the

face.

EMMA:

(Pulling it from her face)

Oh, and just so you know - I’ll also

have to work today.

TONY:

(Smirking)

I thought you were the manager?

EMMA:

(Struggling to look good)

Yes - right - I am - but another

waitress quit this morning, so I’m

doing both. Multitasking.

A CUSTOMER at a nearby table looks up about to speak.

EMMA (CONT’D)

(Before they have chance)

In a minute!

The CAFE door opens and everybody turns to look.

LIZ enters - walks over, pulls out a chair and sits down at

the table. Everyone stares at her, confused.

LIZ:

(To Ollie - sarcastic)

Nice tie.

(Beat)

I’m here about the job - shall we

get this interview started?

'WHITE VAN MAN 2' Episode 2 Blue Script 07/10/11 18

She gives a big smile. Everyone continues to stare -

shocked.

CUT TO:

213 EXT. HOUSE (ANDRZEJ’S JOB) - MORNING 5 - 08:30 213

DARREN approaches the house smoking a FAG. ANDRZEJ and

another man already appear to be working.

DARREN looks at his watch confused. 8.30am. The second man,

JAN - Polish and about Darren’s age makes his way over.

JAN:

Good morning Darren. I am Jan.

He vigorously shakes DARREN’S hand.

ANDRZEJ:

(Calling over)

Good morning Darren.

DARREN:

Mornin’

(Beat)

Sorry, have you been here long?

ANDRZEJ:

Yes. Since seven.

DARREN:

Oh. God. Sorry. I just assumed you

started at eight.

(Looks at watch again)

Tell you the truth - I’ve turned up

a lot earlier than I would have done

usually...

ANDRZEJ:

Don’t worry. It’s your first day. We

forgive you.

JAN slaps DARREN hard on the back, laughing. DARREN tries

to hide the pain.

JAN:

I like this guy!

(To Darren)

Last few days I was working in other

van - but I hear all about you. Glad

we’re finally working together.

JAN reaches into his toolbox, taking out a GIFT, wrapped in

NEWSPAPER.

ANDRZEJ:

That is for you... a welcome gift.

From everyone.

'WHITE VAN MAN 2' Episode 2 Blue Script 07/10/11 19

DARREN opens it to reveal a loud, NYLON, SHELL SUIT-like

JACKET (like the one JAN is wearing). On the front is

ANDRZEJ’s LOGO (as on his van).

JAN:

(Smiling and over excited)

Turn it over. Turn it over.

DARREN does to discover ‘DARREN’ emblazoned in huge letters

across the shoulders. A huge SMILE breaks across his face.

DARREN:

Thank you.

JAN:

Just remember not to wear jacket

around any naked flames. You go woof

like dog.

He mimes the jacket catching fire. He and ANDRZEJ laugh

loudly. DARREN, bewildered, attempts to laugh along too.

CUT TO:

214 EXT. CAFE/ REAR - DAY 5 -12:30 214

LIZ and TWO GUYS (also being interviewed) stand looking

shocked at EMMA’S practical interview. DRILLS, SAWS, TROWELS,

etc are placed ready for other tests but now, front and

centre are three BUCKETS OF PLASTER with drills and long

drill bits attached, lie waiting.

In front, flanked by OLLIE and TONY, EMMA stands (. la Alan

Sugar) ready to explain the task.

EMMA:

So, you may be wondering what we’re

doing here behind this local

restaurant.

LIZ:

(Under breath)

Cafe.

EMMA:

Well, the answer is simple... this

task is all about speed and skill.

Everyone looks confused.

EMMA (CONT’D)

Much like the waiters and waitresses

working here - one of Maplebury’s

finest restaurants

LIZ:

(Under breath)

Cafes.

'WHITE VAN MAN 2' Episode 2 Blue Script 07/10/11 20

EMMA:

-you will be expected to carry out

your work skills with speed and

precision while making sure that all

your customer’s needs are waited

upon.

TONY:

My god, that’s a tenuous link.

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